Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Awesome NPCs

Here's a bunch of NPC adventurers.  Each one represents a Patreon patron, with their name scrambled and anagrammed into something fantastic.  Their level of support is reflected in their level, because generosity = XP, obviously.

Patrons, thank you so much.  I'll add to this page if/when more people choose to fund me.

Jess Ruffle
Level 5 Farmer
Formerly a cultist of the Snake Hole Death Kiss cult and the only survivor of the same. (The cult was sacked and slaughtered by adventurers.) She still retains all of her cultic powers. She is trying to sell off black robes, various psychotropics, a bird cage full of flying eyeballs, several enormous snakes, and the remaining years of a demon's contract. The demon is an imp named Mr. Friendly, and he is currently flying around wearing his own “For Sale” sign. Jess Ruffle (not her real name) wants nothing else than to buy a small farm and retire there to raise some goats. This should be easy, as she has the power to control the minds of goats. She is accompanied by a herd of 3d6 goats. Unflappable, composed, and entirely too rational.

Bald Brodeo
Level 5 Entrepeneur
Recently came into possession of a genie's lamp. Has already made two wishes, and is saving the third wish for a rainy day or an appropriate opportunity. Is always looking for an appropriate investment. Is attended by a trio of sentient, chatty, flying carpets. Is guarded by a pair of blue-skinned ogre magi armed wit scimitars. Also travels with a caravan full of spices and wine, which he owns. Eager, exuberant,

Lanimel Smittens
Level 2 Thief
Professional cave explorer.  100' of rope, climbing gear, pickaxe.  Smokes a corn cob pipe.  Her (artificial) right arm is hot metal that continually emits a small amount of smoke, and is rumored to be demonic in origin.  Currently on a mission to rescue her dog, Ripper.

Zhouvin Hevik
Level 2 Wizard
Travels inside a walking pagoda-birdcage that walks on long spider-legs.  Is actually trapped inside pagoda-birdcage, which he built to keep himself safe from deadly birds (family curse, long story).  Knows the spells sleep, grease, and bees.  He seeks the golden bee, and will pay dearly for news of it.

Level 2 Rock Troll
Huge, hulking, stony.  Has a dagger stuck permanently in his head.  The dagger is therapeutic, and treats migraines.  Flicking the dagger causes Brodz to sing crude tavern songs.  He is traveling with his significant other, Matha, who is an animate rock.  Specifically, a 700 lb piece of roughly-spherical feldspar.  They are looking for a priest who can marry them.

Son of Shrilawc
Level 2 Cleric
Carries the orange dragon banner, which causes all orange dragons to flee in fear.  He will pay a good price for courage.  People selling him their courage get a permanent -1 to saves against fear.  He has a bottle of liquid courage hidden in the folds of his robes (which gives a permanent +2 vs fear).  He is on his way to kill the Shiverwurm of the Black Abysm.  If left to his own devices, he will kill it with a ridiculous stroke of luck.

Jocardom Serosinguez
Level 2 Fighter
Has mastered the art of fighting with a weaponized ioun stone.  The ioun stone is a spiked metal ball the size of a morningstar head.  It orbits his head at a terrifying velocity.  He can change it's velocity and orbit by moving his head and screaming.  The huge, spiked ioun stone does 1d8 damage +1 for every turn that it has been accelerating (each turn that it hasn't hit something, basically), up to a maximum of 1d8+5.  He wears an armored trenchcoat and carries a healing potion in a copper flask marked with a symbol of a winged fist.  He seeks his evil twin, which he must destroy.

Level 2 Butterfly Master
Rides a giant Mothra, which was raised from birth.  Can speak with insects, and use diplomacy despite their normal bug-level intelligence.  Has 3 vials of pastel powder: the first will numb you, the second will put you to sleep, and the third will put you in a deep slumber from which you will never wake.  Can shoot clouds of doom butterflies from sleeves when threatened.  Seeks ecological balance and interesting books (which he will buy).

Michotta Lepres
Level 2 Rogue
Rapier and mustachio.  Swagger and grace.  Concealed: a poison dagger and a terrible secret.  There is pain in his eyes.  He travels to recapture the King of Cats, a beast that is neither a cat nor a king, but it is very powerful and seeks to inflict great misfortune.  He accidentally released it, and seeks to recapture it in the Bag of Stars, which he carries.  (It's like a bag of holding, except it holds a miniature galaxy complete with tiny planets and suns.)  It is a fool's errand, and he knows it.

Cpl. Belcor Tamuney
Level 2 Paladin
Also known as the Lobster-Claw Paladin, Corporal Belcor has had one of his hands transformed into an enormous lobster claw.  Rather than be repelled, he has worn it with pride, and even emblazoned a lobster claw onto his battle standard.  According to him, the forces of chaos turned him into an lobster entirely, and only the power of his faith transformed (most of) his body back.  Is on a crusade to rid the world of mutants, hypocrisy, and violence.

Phion Shlud
Level 2 Psychic
Infested with psychic slugs, which are responsible for her psychic powers. Knows the names of distant countries and ancient kings, but forgets common things, such as how to walk, or how to drink water. Seeks an apprentice, into to which she can unload more slugs. (This is the will of the slugs.) Infectious psychic powers. Disjointed speech, strange attentions.

Level 2 Braidmaster
Capable of braiding hair with supernatural aplomb (a give from a god, who loved one of their parents).  Braids can protect head as helmet, grant +1 AC, or cause echolocation to fail.  Can also braid horse manes to make them run faster.  Will sell these braids, but not cheaply.  Also knows the deadly braid of Broosh, but will not admit it.  Keeps own hair shorn to the scalp; Yeroc has seen what the deadly braid of Broosh can do to people.

Piccolo Creet
Level 1 Bard
Adventuring to find a wife, preferably by rescuing her from terrible thing.  (Honestly, there are much worse ways to meet girls.)  Keeps a small hen under his enormous hat--she lays eggs that contain messages, much like fortune cookies.  Also useful for omelets, come breakfast time.  His piccolo hurts people--sharp notes cut, flat notes bludgeon.  Travels with an enormous, shaggy dog named Shaggy Creet.

Delian Ells
Level 1 Sorcercer
Knows how to talk to wind but is rapidly forgetting the Common language.  Spends most of his time talking to wind.  Knows useful gossip from 400 miles away, but doesn't know what day of the week it is.  He wants to get rid of his cursed staff (requires you to eat 4x as much or save vs cannibalistic urges), but he cannot get rid of it unless someone asks for it--he cannot offer to give it away.  He will spend time talking about how great the staff is, and hope that someone buys it.  He will not sell the staff to a child or innocent--only murderhobos.

Level 1 Yak
Transformed by a witch into a Yak.  Can only be released by true love's kiss, but has largely given up on finding true love as a yak, mostly because being a yak is awesome.  Grass is delicious, and he enjoys the power of being able to knock over small buildings and kick horses' asses.  Despite that, he has grown listless and misses the days of being an adventurer.  Wants to join the party.  If his curse is dispelled, he will transform into an unhappy halfling who will probably seek an immediate re-curse.

Level 1 Monk
White robes, blue umbrella.  Travels with six apprentice monks, all level 0 street urchins.  Wants to sell the party pamphlets on meditation and anti-monarchist philosophy.  Also wants to find a good home for his six apprentices.  He is traveling to show them how horrible the world is, and will point out any injuries, diseases, or perceived curses to his 6 wards.

Cassik of Dyel
Level 1 Fighter
Extremely genre-aware murder hobo; his entire party was killed less than 3 days ago.  Wyvern breastplate, copper glaive.  Knows how dangerous adventuring is.  Reckons that life is just a dice game that the gods play, suspects that he has no real free will.  Can barely remember his childhood (farm, dogs, family killed by stirges) and cites this for a reason as to why he is merely a poorly imagined character.  Suffers from chronic back pains and wants to know why the gods would go through the trouble of imagining him with horrible back pains.  Like, if he's only worth a mere paragraph of attention, why spend time specifically giving him back pains?

Cerseor Gigas
Level 1 Fighter
She doesn't believe in magic.  Is actually immune to magic.  This is because she knows too much philosophy. Enjoys challenging people to log-throwing contests, and will wager a treasure map (leads to a buried chest 60 miles away that contains 6 animate skeletons draped in gold).  Her brother is an evil wizard that the party has heard of, and she will ask the party if they've met him.  She knows a lot of embarrassing childhood stories about him, but little else.

Manna Ra
Level 1 Cleric
Cleric of the moon god.  Seeks to convert werewolves to the cause, or kill them if they refuse.  Well-stocked with silver weaponry.  Will sell pastel-colored eggs to the party.  If thrown into a fire, the egg will hatch, releasing a small, strange animal (like a 8" tall giraffe) that prances around for a few seconds, singing a song, before expiring.  The source of the eggs is actually himself--he was cursed to lay one every night--but he will never reveal this fact willingly.

Wodash McCrill
Level 1 Old Coot
Naked old man who sails down the river in an oversized bathtub.  Mad as a march hare.  Wears a sock puppet on his left hand, which he addresses as "Ol' Scratch".  Will buy and trade treasure maps (mostly of a dubious quality) and stolen letters.  If asked, he will explain that his left hand is possessed by Satan.  This is partially true.  The left hand will sometimes perpetuate horrible acts of betrayal or cruelty (don't trust Old Man McCrill to pull you up off a cliffside), and if he is ever killed, his left arm with break free, and transform back into a demonic vrock, triumphant to finally be free of that prison.

Norg of Berresand
Level 1 Demolitions Wizard and Worm Expert
Capable of turning small rocks into small globs of lava.  Walks asynchronously, out of fear of purple worms.  If you accuse him of purple-worm related paranoia, he will patiently explain that all decent people should be afraid of purple worms, because they are horrible.  Has authored several books on the subject, actually.  Travels with a set of ten pins, and will happily play all takers.  Bowling is one of the few sports that doesn't disturb the worms.

Level 0 Charcutier
Sells rations of smoked pork and beef.  Slightly more expensive than regular rations, but much more tasty.  Suspects everyone of being a cannibal.  Travels with a herd of loyal swine (23 pigs total) capable of fighting like 1 HD war dogs if their master is threatened.

Pash the Torchier
Level 0 Linkboy
Over 20 years old, which is old for a linkboy.  Wears a top hat that sometimes contains a little candle and a window.  Professional linkboy.  So professional that he has survived the last 4 adventuring parties that he signed on with.  Not because he betrays them or runs away or anything, but simply because he refuses to do anything risky and consistently stays at the back.  He also knows a few tricks (stirges will preferentially attack other if you slather yourself with vegetable jelly; several techniques for negotiating with orcs).  He is fluent in orcish.

Level 0 Goblin
Nimble as the dickens.  Cartwheels everywhere.  Everywhere.  Enjoys scaring babies, stealing candy, and falling asleep in people's bags.  When you think he's wandered off, he's probably just asleep in your satchel.  Immune to fear, and will do anything asked of him.

Lockward Heart
Level 0 Squire
Huge and muscular for a squire (Str 18).  Poetic and noble.  Grandson of the God of Peacocks, who still watches over the boy in some small capacity.  Birds will land on his shoulders and fall asleep.  This happens all the time.  Wants to adventure to save up money for his sick mother.  Country girls will swoon after him constantly.  You better get rid of him, fast.

Bon Zinkir
Level 0 Magician's Apprentice
Can't cast spells, but can do all of the other wizardly stuff (like identify scrolls).  If another wizard helps him, he can cast read magic once per day.  Wears blue robes covered with moon symbols that fell out of fashion a generation ago.  Carries a dove that only rarely shits in his pocket.  Allergic to sneak attacks, and will begin sneezing a moment before the party get ambushed.  He doesn't know why he sneezes.

Ten Jennet Baital
Level 0 Halfling
Flips a lucky coin, and accordingly has a 50% chance to do anything asked of him.  Carries a net and a poisoned fork.  Is actually a spy for the fish people, and periodically reports back to them by putting his head underwater and yelling out his report.  (50% chance to be crazy, and not actually a spy for the fish people.)  Wears garish purple shoes; fishes for compliments.

Level 0 Dog
A chubby puppy with a squashy face and a muddy collar.  Pees on things.  You will never find a more loyal and kind-hearted animal.  Surprisingly intelligent.  Understands over 10 words.  If this 1 hp puppy is somehow raised to adulthood (takes half a decade) the resultant foo dog will be the size of a pony (HD 5).

Karl Vecichi
Level 0 Merchant
Karl is an airship salesman.  While showing the airship to a potential buyer, his guards were ambushed an killed.  He barely escaped by jumping off the side of the ship.  Now he is trying to sell his parachute, and with that money, buy a new identity somewhere.  He owns a boat in the nearest major city, which he might use to escape.  50% chance that the yacht is full of his employer's minions, waiting to ambush him.  Wears long yellow silk robes (completely soaking wet) and a fashionable cone hat.

Mirun Bethelau
Level 0 Cursebearer
Cursed to seek adventure. Exhausted from constant adventuring. Head is filled with the urgings of the Hat of Adventure, which he wears on his head. Constantly learns the location of interesting, dangerous locations. Hasn't slept in weeks.

Derick Pharks
Level 0 Epic Turnip Farmer
Scion of a long line of immensely powerful sorcerers.  Currently travelling to the nearest capitol city in order to sell his prize turnip, a 600 lb turnip that groans whenever it is prodded.  It's not a person trapped inside a turnip or anything--it's just a giant, groaning turnip.

Shirn the Shalectian
Level 0 Snake Herder
Travels the roads with a herd of snakes.  Is hired to remove snakes from villages and destroy them.  He removes the snakes, but keeps them on hand for meat and companionship.  Accompanied by 1d6 very confused sheep dogs.

The people on this page can be NPCs that you meet on the road, in a dungeon, or as hirelings.  As +Daniel Dean pointed out today, they can also be interesting people buried in a graveyard.


  1. My metafictional counterpart is eerily reminiscent of my actual characters (and totally awesome, besides).

  2. Holy crap this is amazing!
    And like Kyle said, it's something I similar to (but better than) what I usually play.

    Now I'm gonna have to use myself in an encounter of some kind. I hope the murder hobos don't kill me.