d6 Dungeon Merchants

I've been playing Crypt of the Necrodancer and I've realized that I like the idea of bumping into merchants in the middle of a dungeon.

Among other things, it makes the dungeon able to replace one of the functions of the city, without making it any safer.

from Crypt of the Necrodancer

1 - Dungeon Bugs

Something like long-legged roaches, each as tall as a child.  They scamper like children, and laugh like goats with a mouth full of dice.  They're friendly, but callous.  You'll find them on the ceilings of rooms,

They taste terrible, and so are largely ignored by predators.  They have little interest in any task requiring their attention for more than a few moments, and are all competing with each other to collect enough shiny crap to attract a mate.

No one has ever seen a female dungeon bug, or knows what happens when a dungeon bug gets hitched.  The dungeon bugs themselves might not even know.  They rarely talk about their secret nests, except to boast of them.

A voice from the ceiling, "By the seven fucks, no, you don't want to go that way.  Two silver and I'll tell you which way is most goodwise!  And a refund if you don't thank me when you go to bed tonight!"

"That's my corpse!  Look, I marked by it by biting off the earlobe--I have it right here.  I was saving it for later, times like these.  You can have the pockets, though, for 20 silver.  Eat my eyes if I can go any lower.  Just eat em!"

"Just climb down this shaft and head towards the smell of seaweed. That's my cousin's store!  You can buy a pickled piercer for a penny!"  (The Pickled Piercer costs 30s.  You can buy a barrel of pickled goblins for 200s, though, which counts as 100 rations.)

2 - The King of Hens

A ponderous thing with pale skin like a drowned man.  A full head taller than a tall man.  Thin limbs, stretched and slightly bent, like ghastly taffy.  The hands are huge flippers, like hands that have been run over by a cartoon car.  They open and close slowly.

The feet are chicken feet, and they are strong.

The chest is huge, and the belly is stretched to bursting.  It is wearing the remains of a red robe, fallen off the shoulders and only held on by a belt around the waist.  It is filthy and matted, but it was once silk.  It's back, chest, and arms are all covered with lashes, both old and new.

The face is shambles, perhaps from unlucky birth, perhaps from a creative torturer.  The face has little to do with a chicken's, and even less to do with a human's.  It is, at least, a bit beaked, where the cleft palate climbs into the sinuses.  The dark, watery eyes are entirely unlike poultry, however.

The King of Hens is accompanied a quartet of small, loud women.  They are the king's court.  They will announce what is for sale today, and what the prices are.  If you agree to buy something, one of the hags will stay with you while the other three lead the creature around a corner.  After listening to a few minutes of cracking whips and ragged sobs, they will return with a bloody egg.  Inside the egg is your purchase.

Suggested Items (Roll a 1d6 twice)

1 - A nutritious egg.  (Counts as a ration.  DO NOT INCUBATE IT.)
2 - A random curse. Latches onto the nearest person when the egg is broken.
3 - Black sugar.
4 - Midnight wind.

3 - The Hive Dead

A cyclopean door.  On it, someone has written "Put the sword on the ground and step out of the room.  Wait until they offer the right payment.  Stay away from their holes."

Inside is a cavernous room.  The center of the ceiling is dominated by a huge crack, going upwards.  You seem to be at the bottom of a very deep abysm.

The walls are studded with holes, each one about two feet wide.  The holes are roughly circular, and are arranged roughly as honeycombs are.  (This is the most efficient way to stack circles.)  There are several hundred of these holes on the back wall of the room, and several hundred more up inside the ceiling crack.

Each hole is home to an undead.  They are not visible in the gloom, but they are watching the center of the room with an unblinking intensity.  When an item (or items) is placed in the center of the room, an undead will approach it after 1d6*1d6 minutes, and place a roughly equivalent item across from it.

If you enter the room and take the offered item, you have just sold your original item.  If you wait another 1 hour, the undead will return and reclaim the item it offered as a trade--there is a 50% chance that another undead will appear after 1d6*1d6 minutes and make a similar offer.  If you reclaim your original item, the deal will be cancelled, the dead will be offended, and all future responses will take twice as long.  If you take both items, all 660 corpses will attack you.  (Stats as zombies, Int 10, movement as human.)

Some items that might be offered:

• The bones of a horse.
• A suit of plate mail in perfect condition.
• The lost crown of a local principality.
• A spellbook (contains 3 pyromancer spells).
• A large package of ancient tea.  (Worth 1000s).

If anyone dies in the room, the undead will command the dead to rise.  The fallen character will arise as a new undead, painfully gag down all of their coins and gems, and dig a new hole in the wall.

4 - Charlie Pox

He looks more like a flock of freckles than anything else.  He appears on your belly, using your bellybutton as a mouth.  He's cheeky and talks fast.  He'll crack jokes to put you at ease.

Buy something why don't ya!  I've traveled all this way!

This is Charlie.  You probably caught him from a rat bite or something.

• Mustard! 3s
• Lockpicks! 20s
• Picture of a Duck! 30s
• Magic Ring! 500s (Alternate Self Ring)

The purchase will be produced from your own body.  If Charlie likes you (and Charlie likes most people), this will be orally.

If you try to hold Charlie hostage, you'll get sick.  Real sick.  Best just to buy something and let him pass one.  The prices aren't even that bad, don't ya know!  He's doing you a favor!

Once he's gone, all he leaves behind is a patch of freckles in the shape of a winking smile and a mild cold.

5 - Sir Gavin Ghastlecrumb

A brute in a suit.

Picture a man shaped like a gorilla.  Wrap him in the most expensive clothes that money can buy.  Give him a fierce beard and a brilliant top hat.  Make him love violence the way that scared soldiers love their mothers.  Make him loud and brusque and ambiguously British.

When you find him, he's spooling intestines from a naga, draping them over a fire, and eating them, all in a single continuous assembly line.  He has a little silver fork.  (It's a regular fork.  It just looks small in his hands.)

He hopes you will give him a reason to kill you, and will tell you as much.  He is a devout Hesayan, and if you are also a member of the flock, he cannot attack you unprovoked.  He has his afterlife to consider.

Why is he selling things?  He has too much loot to carry.

• 16 swords.  Must by all of them.  50s
• A magic bird that can learn any song, and will invent new ones besides.  100s.
• A duke's son from a nearby city, worth 1000s in random.  300s.

The other stuff in his bag is equivalent to a dragon's hoard, but he's not selling it.

Stats as a giant.  If you miss him with a melee attack, make a Str check.  If you fail, Gastlecrumb breaks it.  If he fails a Save, he can choose to lose 10 HP and reduce the effect of whatever he just saved against.

6 - Machinduma

A coiled machine sits alone in a dark room.  It looks like the polished extrusion of some massive crustacean, with gently fluted crests and warped gullies.  The front is the tallest part, and you must slip between some flying buttresses to reach the "front" of the machine.

You can only see the seams if you look close.  (Those who have seen both will recognize similarities to the Egg of Drume.)

There are two alcoves here, set into the machine like eye sockets.  Above them, you can read the words "One is taken, the other is improved."

If you put two objects into the alcoves, the chambers will slowly recess and then close off.  Out of the two objects, the more valuable one will be taken by the machine.  The less valuable object will be returned in an improved form.

Shitty swords will be made excellent.  A magical sword will be made amazing.  A non-magical item may be made into a magical one, but the enchantment will be a trifling one.

A living creature that is improved will be given a random beneficial mutation.

If you do a lot of exchanges with the Machinduma, and if you show a certain ambivalence for human life, it will start offering you fetch quests.  It will extrude soft white disks with writing on them, which dessicate and crumble away from the warm, bloody interior of the machine.

People that are taken by the Machinduma are not lost.  You will see them again, in a different city, at a different time, on some different business.  They will have a different name, and they will not recognize you.  They will have a different history and speak accurately of a different home town (very far from where they are now).  They are always fetching an item.

The Machinduma has stats as four ogres in full plate, fighting in tight square formation.

See Also

d6 More Dungeon Merchants

Dream Merchants

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Stuff to Buy

The Metal Earth has finally birthed a book.  Check it out here.

Patrick has translated Gawain and the Green Knight, which seems like an immensely Patrick thing to do.  You should buy it in order to one-up that one guy who won't stop talking about how much Appendix N he's read.

Gamjee and the Kludger

First, I've got a goblin for you.  He lives in the Bospero hexcrawl I'm tinkering with.

Then, I've got a new class.

HEX 0614 - THE SALT MARSH

Gamjee's Redoubt [obvious]

The ship is clearly visible on the fringes of the salt marsh, where the ground is a little bit drier.

The swamp is an ancient galleon with a broken back and a busted belly.  It must have been carried inland by some ancient wave.  It is soggy with green moss, and the bowsprit is lifted into the air like a pleading hand.

For 200' in all directions, the ground is covered with traps, in a hundred sundry variations.

The danger is communicated through crudely painted signs and stacks of dire chameleon skulls.  "DANGER: TRAPS" and "FUCKOFF" and "YOU PROBLY GONNA DIE".  A more astute observer will also notice all the tensioned wires, submerged chains, and carefully assembled foilage.

A person running across the 200' killzone will set off about 1 trap every 20 feet.  A person walking very carefully through the killzone will set off about 1 trap every 40 feet.  A person probing with a pole and heaving rocks around will set off about 1 trap every 10 feet, but will avoid the effects of 90% of those traps.

Traps [d6]
1. Snare -- Hard Dex or be hoisted in the air.
2. Bear Trap -- Hard Dex or take 1d3 dmg + grabbed.  50% of these also pull you 10' underwater.
3. Swinging Log, Swinging Hammer -- Hard Dex or 1d8 damage.
4. Spear, Swinging Stakes -- Hard Dex or 1d8 damage.
5. Poison Dart -- Con or Poison (1d6).
6. Noisemaker -- Gamjee is alerted + roll for random encounter.

The ship has no obvious entrances except on the deck, which is 15' above the ground.  Anyone attempting to use a grappling hook to climb onto the deck will probably be thwarted.  The railings break away when any weight is put on them, and then trigger explosive plates on the side of the ship, dealing 1d6 acid damage to anyone standing nearby.

Gamjee has a crossbow with 20 bolts, and a ballista that can be wheeled out onto the deck in 1 round, should the need ever arise.

In a worst case scenario, Gamjee will retreat to his bathroom/saferoom, lock himself in there, and pull a lever that floods the ship with poisonous gas (poison 1d6).  The door is triple-thick wood.  Anyone trying to chop down the door will be deep enough in the bilge that they are 2 rounds away from fresh air, should the poison be triggered.

Aside from all that, Gamjee is a regular level 0 goblin with 1 HP.  He has a 4-in-6 chance of being naked (except for his machete), and a separate 4-in-6 chance of being drunk (bogshine).

If you drink his bogshine you must make a Con save or go blind for 1d20 hours.  Goblins and dwarves are immune to this effect.

Yoshitaka Amano's original goblin art for Final Fantasy I

Gamjee is a paranoic, but that doesn't mean that the smugglers aren't trying to kill him.  (They are.)  Outside of the paranoia, he is friendly, rational, and enjoys making friends and helping people.

The smugglers have tried many different ways of killing this pain-in-the-ass goblin, but all have failed.  Gamjee is meticulous and his ship is stocked with enough salted fish, boiled scum, and gosca.  He also drinks the water that seeps into his basement, although it gives him diarrhea.  He usually has diarrhea.  ("You get used to it.")

He responds to friendly hails, and is quick to talk, but slow to trust.  Trades are conducted by Gamgee raising a pole on his ship, which pulls a submerged loop of rope out of the water where it was hidden.  Two pulleys on each side allow items to be clipped to the rope and shuttled back and forth.  You can even have two items move past each other, so as to arrive at the same time.  The rope is strong enough to hold one person, but not two.

Gamjee wants:
- Fresh food
- A higher grade of intoxicants
- Something to help with the diarrhea (except real talk: he just needs to stop drinking the bog water)
- The head and the hat of Captain Bogbeard (he swore revenge after Bogbeard skinned his dog alive)

Gamjee has:
- four goblin bombados (light fuse, 3d6, Dex for half)
- two dozen spare traps (see above)
- 10 barrels of bogshine
- 1 vial of mutagen (random, permanent mutation)
- 2 vials of rage gas (fumes of hell)
- 3 fireworks
- a new litter of puppies (free to a good home)

Perhaps more importantly, anyone who befriends Gamjee can start apprenticing under him, allowing them to take ranks in the Kludger class.

Goblin from Final Fantasy 14

The Kludger

First off, go read this post by B44L.  I'm stealing an ability from him.

Now then.

Kludgers are the scrappers and the scroungers of the goblin world.  In goblin society, they are held in high esteem (i.e. passers-by are careful to avoid the windows when they relieve themselves against the side of a kludger's house.)

Note: the other respected professions are the filth wizard, the cleric of Shadoom, and the squirmisher.

They are among the most intelligent goblins, and the most likely to journey far from home. They tend to have short, eventful lives.

Template A - Improvise, Scrounge
Template B - Sabotage, Trapper
Template C - Overclock
Template D - Biohacker

Note: even though most of these abilities only require a "round of work", your DM may require you to spend more time on larger or more complex tools.  You cannot combine any of these abilities with each other.

Improvise

With a round of work, you can fix a broken tool or mechanism.  At the end of each round of use, it has 2-in-6 chance of breaking irrevocably.

Scrounge

Whenever travelling causes the DM to roll for a random encounter (roughly 2x a day for overland travel, or every 3 rooms in a dungeon), you may also roll a d6.  On a 1, you find a random broken item from the starting equipment table.

Sabotage

With a round of work, you can rig a functioning tool or mechanism to break under conditions that you specify.  The conditions must be simple, physical, and feasible.

Trapper

With 10 minutes of work, you can trap a battlefield in a specific place, or trap a battlefield in general.  If a battlefield is trapped in a specific place, the first creature to walk over that area triggers the trap with a 4-in-6 chance.  If a battlefield is trapped in general, every time an enemy moves into a new area, there is a 2-in-6 chance that they trigger the trap.  If you don't have an opportunity to tell your allies where the traps is, they are also susceptible to this chance.  Potential traps are limited to the 6 listed above, but you can probably research more if you bring your DM some Taco Bell.

Overclock

With a round of work, you rig a functioning tool or mechanism to operate at a higher level.  Weapons deal double damage, pulleys require half as much force to use.  At the end of each round of use, it has a 4-in-6 chance of breaking.  Single use items require two consecutive turns: one for overclocking, and another for use.

Biohacker

All of the previous class abilities can now be applied to living tissue, including magical properties of that tissue.  Basilisk eyes can petrify, dragon glands can still breath fire.  Corpse parts must be fresh or at least well-preserved.

If a corpse has been dead for more than 1 minute, you cannot use Improvise on it.  PCs "resurrected" in this way cannot be raised above 0 HP.  If a creature has multiple attacks, only one can be Overclocked at a time.

Monoclass Party Bonus

If there are multiple Scroungers in a party, every time a pair of 2s is rolled, an intact item from the complete Alchemy Items + Adventuring Gear list is found.  If a trio of 3s is ever rolled, you find some major magic item (Stormbringer, a genie's lamp, the Hand of Dominion).

Kobold from Final Fantasy 14!

Awesome NPCs

Here's a bunch of NPC adventurers.  Each one represents a Patreon patron, with their name scrambled and anagrammed into something fantastic.  Their level of support is reflected in their level, because generosity = XP, obviously.

Patrons, thank you so much.  I'll add to this page if/when more people choose to fund me.

Jess Ruffle

Level 5 Farmer

Formerly a cultist of the Snake Hole Death Kiss cult and the only survivor of the same. (The cult was sacked and slaughtered by adventurers.) She still retains all of her cultic powers. She is trying to sell off black robes, various psychotropics, a bird cage full of flying eyeballs, several enormous snakes, and the remaining years of a demon's contract. The demon is an imp named Mr. Friendly, and he is currently flying around wearing his own “For Sale” sign. Jess Ruffle (not her real name) wants nothing else than to buy a small farm and retire there to raise some goats. This should be easy, as she has the power to control the minds of goats. She is accompanied by a herd of 3d6 goats. Unflappable, composed, and entirely too rational.

Bald Brodeo

Level 5 Entrepeneur

Recently came into possession of a genie's lamp. Has already made two wishes, and is saving the third wish for a rainy day or an appropriate opportunity. Is always looking for an appropriate investment. Is attended by a trio of sentient, chatty, flying carpets. Is guarded by a pair of blue-skinned ogre magi armed wit scimitars. Also travels with a caravan full of spices and wine, which he owns. Eager, exuberant,

Lanimel Smittens
Level 2 Thief
Professional cave explorer.  100' of rope, climbing gear, pickaxe.  Smokes a corn cob pipe.  Her (artificial) right arm is hot metal that continually emits a small amount of smoke, and is rumored to be demonic in origin.  Currently on a mission to rescue her dog, Ripper.

Zhouvin Hevik
Level 2 Wizard
Travels inside a walking pagoda-birdcage that walks on long spider-legs.  Is actually trapped inside pagoda-birdcage, which he built to keep himself safe from deadly birds (family curse, long story).  Knows the spells sleep, grease, and bees.  He seeks the golden bee, and will pay dearly for news of it.

Brodz
Level 2 Rock Troll
Huge, hulking, stony.  Has a dagger stuck permanently in his head.  The dagger is therapeutic, and treats migraines.  Flicking the dagger causes Brodz to sing crude tavern songs.  He is traveling with his significant other, Matha, who is an animate rock.  Specifically, a 700 lb piece of roughly-spherical feldspar.  They are looking for a priest who can marry them.

Son of Shrilawc
Level 2 Cleric
Carries the orange dragon banner, which causes all orange dragons to flee in fear.  He will pay a good price for courage.  People selling him their courage get a permanent -1 to saves against fear.  He has a bottle of liquid courage hidden in the folds of his robes (which gives a permanent +2 vs fear).  He is on his way to kill the Shiverwurm of the Black Abysm.  If left to his own devices, he will kill it with a ridiculous stroke of luck.

Jocardom Serosinguez
Level 2 Fighter
Has mastered the art of fighting with a weaponized ioun stone.  The ioun stone is a spiked metal ball the size of a morningstar head.  It orbits his head at a terrifying velocity.  He can change it's velocity and orbit by moving his head and screaming.  The huge, spiked ioun stone does 1d8 damage +1 for every turn that it has been accelerating (each turn that it hasn't hit something, basically), up to a maximum of 1d8+5.  He wears an armored trenchcoat and carries a healing potion in a copper flask marked with a symbol of a winged fist.  He seeks his evil twin, which he must destroy.

Jasna
Level 2 Butterfly Master
Rides a giant Mothra, which was raised from birth.  Can speak with insects, and use diplomacy despite their normal bug-level intelligence.  Has 3 vials of pastel powder: the first will numb you, the second will put you to sleep, and the third will put you in a deep slumber from which you will never wake.  Can shoot clouds of doom butterflies from sleeves when threatened.  Seeks ecological balance and interesting books (which he will buy).

Michotta Lepres
Level 2 Rogue
Rapier and mustachio.  Swagger and grace.  Concealed: a poison dagger and a terrible secret.  There is pain in his eyes.  He travels to recapture the King of Cats, a beast that is neither a cat nor a king, but it is very powerful and seeks to inflict great misfortune.  He accidentally released it, and seeks to recapture it in the Bag of Stars, which he carries.  (It's like a bag of holding, except it holds a miniature galaxy complete with tiny planets and suns.)  It is a fool's errand, and he knows it.

Cpl. Belcor Tamuney
Level 2 Paladin
Also known as the Lobster-Claw Paladin, Corporal Belcor has had one of his hands transformed into an enormous lobster claw.  Rather than be repelled, he has worn it with pride, and even emblazoned a lobster claw onto his battle standard.  According to him, the forces of chaos turned him into an lobster entirely, and only the power of his faith transformed (most of) his body back.  Is on a crusade to rid the world of mutants, hypocrisy, and violence.

Phion Shlud

Level 2 Psychic

Infested with psychic slugs, which are responsible for her psychic powers. Knows the names of distant countries and ancient kings, but forgets common things, such as how to walk, or how to drink water. Seeks an apprentice, into to which she can unload more slugs. (This is the will of the slugs.) Infectious psychic powers. Disjointed speech, strange attentions.

Yeroc
Level 2 Braidmaster
Capable of braiding hair with supernatural aplomb (a give from a god, who loved one of their parents).  Braids can protect head as helmet, grant +1 AC, or cause echolocation to fail.  Can also braid horse manes to make them run faster.  Will sell these braids, but not cheaply.  Also knows the deadly braid of Broosh, but will not admit it.  Keeps own hair shorn to the scalp; Yeroc has seen what the deadly braid of Broosh can do to people.

Piccolo Creet
Level 1 Bard
Adventuring to find a wife, preferably by rescuing her from terrible thing.  (Honestly, there are much worse ways to meet girls.)  Keeps a small hen under his enormous hat--she lays eggs that contain messages, much like fortune cookies.  Also useful for omelets, come breakfast time.  His piccolo hurts people--sharp notes cut, flat notes bludgeon.  Travels with an enormous, shaggy dog named Shaggy Creet.

Delian Ells
Level 1 Sorcercer
Knows how to talk to wind but is rapidly forgetting the Common language.  Spends most of his time talking to wind.  Knows useful gossip from 400 miles away, but doesn't know what day of the week it is.  He wants to get rid of his cursed staff (requires you to eat 4x as much or save vs cannibalistic urges), but he cannot get rid of it unless someone asks for it--he cannot offer to give it away.  He will spend time talking about how great the staff is, and hope that someone buys it.  He will not sell the staff to a child or innocent--only murderhobos.

Swevanoran
Level 1 Yak
Transformed by a witch into a Yak.  Can only be released by true love's kiss, but has largely given up on finding true love as a yak, mostly because being a yak is awesome.  Grass is delicious, and he enjoys the power of being able to knock over small buildings and kick horses' asses.  Despite that, he has grown listless and misses the days of being an adventurer.  Wants to join the party.  If his curse is dispelled, he will transform into an unhappy halfling who will probably seek an immediate re-curse.

Harmion
Level 1 Monk
White robes, blue umbrella.  Travels with six apprentice monks, all level 0 street urchins.  Wants to sell the party pamphlets on meditation and anti-monarchist philosophy.  Also wants to find a good home for his six apprentices.  He is traveling to show them how horrible the world is, and will point out any injuries, diseases, or perceived curses to his 6 wards.

Cassik of Dyel
Level 1 Fighter
Extremely genre-aware murder hobo; his entire party was killed less than 3 days ago.  Wyvern breastplate, copper glaive.  Knows how dangerous adventuring is.  Reckons that life is just a dice game that the gods play, suspects that he has no real free will.  Can barely remember his childhood (farm, dogs, family killed by stirges) and cites this for a reason as to why he is merely a poorly imagined character.  Suffers from chronic back pains and wants to know why the gods would go through the trouble of imagining him with horrible back pains.  Like, if he's only worth a mere paragraph of attention, why spend time specifically giving him back pains?

Cerseor Gigas
Level 1 Fighter
She doesn't believe in magic.  Is actually immune to magic.  This is because she knows too much philosophy. Enjoys challenging people to log-throwing contests, and will wager a treasure map (leads to a buried chest 60 miles away that contains 6 animate skeletons draped in gold).  Her brother is an evil wizard that the party has heard of, and she will ask the party if they've met him.  She knows a lot of embarrassing childhood stories about him, but little else.

Manna Ra
Level 1 Cleric
Cleric of the moon god.  Seeks to convert werewolves to the cause, or kill them if they refuse.  Well-stocked with silver weaponry.  Will sell pastel-colored eggs to the party.  If thrown into a fire, the egg will hatch, releasing a small, strange animal (like a 8" tall giraffe) that prances around for a few seconds, singing a song, before expiring.  The source of the eggs is actually himself--he was cursed to lay one every night--but he will never reveal this fact willingly.

Wodash McCrill
Level 1 Old Coot
Naked old man who sails down the river in an oversized bathtub.  Mad as a march hare.  Wears a sock puppet on his left hand, which he addresses as "Ol' Scratch".  Will buy and trade treasure maps (mostly of a dubious quality) and stolen letters.  If asked, he will explain that his left hand is possessed by Satan.  This is partially true.  The left hand will sometimes perpetuate horrible acts of betrayal or cruelty (don't trust Old Man McCrill to pull you up off a cliffside), and if he is ever killed, his left arm with break free, and transform back into a demonic vrock, triumphant to finally be free of that prison.

Norg of Berresand
Level 1 Demolitions Wizard and Worm Expert
Capable of turning small rocks into small globs of lava.  Walks asynchronously, out of fear of purple worms.  If you accuse him of purple-worm related paranoia, he will patiently explain that all decent people should be afraid of purple worms, because they are horrible.  Has authored several books on the subject, actually.  Travels with a set of ten pins, and will happily play all takers.  Bowling is one of the few sports that doesn't disturb the worms.

Haubergeon
Level 0 Charcutier
Sells rations of smoked pork and beef.  Slightly more expensive than regular rations, but much more tasty.  Suspects everyone of being a cannibal.  Travels with a herd of loyal swine (23 pigs total) capable of fighting like 1 HD war dogs if their master is threatened.

Pash the Torchier
Level 0 Linkboy
Over 20 years old, which is old for a linkboy.  Wears a top hat that sometimes contains a little candle and a window.  Professional linkboy.  So professional that he has survived the last 4 adventuring parties that he signed on with.  Not because he betrays them or runs away or anything, but simply because he refuses to do anything risky and consistently stays at the back.  He also knows a few tricks (stirges will preferentially attack other if you slather yourself with vegetable jelly; several techniques for negotiating with orcs).  He is fluent in orcish.

Obb
Level 0 Goblin
Nimble as the dickens.  Cartwheels everywhere.  Everywhere.  Enjoys scaring babies, stealing candy, and falling asleep in people's bags.  When you think he's wandered off, he's probably just asleep in your satchel.  Immune to fear, and will do anything asked of him.

Lockward Heart
Level 0 Squire
Huge and muscular for a squire (Str 18).  Poetic and noble.  Grandson of the God of Peacocks, who still watches over the boy in some small capacity.  Birds will land on his shoulders and fall asleep.  This happens all the time.  Wants to adventure to save up money for his sick mother.  Country girls will swoon after him constantly.  You better get rid of him, fast.

Bon Zinkir
Level 0 Magician's Apprentice
Can't cast spells, but can do all of the other wizardly stuff (like identify scrolls).  If another wizard helps him, he can cast read magic once per day.  Wears blue robes covered with moon symbols that fell out of fashion a generation ago.  Carries a dove that only rarely shits in his pocket.  Allergic to sneak attacks, and will begin sneezing a moment before the party get ambushed.  He doesn't know why he sneezes.

Ten Jennet Baital
Level 0 Halfling
Flips a lucky coin, and accordingly has a 50% chance to do anything asked of him.  Carries a net and a poisoned fork.  Is actually a spy for the fish people, and periodically reports back to them by putting his head underwater and yelling out his report.  (50% chance to be crazy, and not actually a spy for the fish people.)  Wears garish purple shoes; fishes for compliments.

Kimbe
Level 0 Dog
A chubby puppy with a squashy face and a muddy collar.  Pees on things.  You will never find a more loyal and kind-hearted animal.  Surprisingly intelligent.  Understands over 10 words.  If this 1 hp puppy is somehow raised to adulthood (takes half a decade) the resultant foo dog will be the size of a pony (HD 5).

Karl Vecichi
Level 0 Merchant
Karl is an airship salesman.  While showing the airship to a potential buyer, his guards were ambushed an killed.  He barely escaped by jumping off the side of the ship.  Now he is trying to sell his parachute, and with that money, buy a new identity somewhere.  He owns a boat in the nearest major city, which he might use to escape.  50% chance that the yacht is full of his employer's minions, waiting to ambush him.  Wears long yellow silk robes (completely soaking wet) and a fashionable cone hat.

Mirun Bethelau

Level 0 Cursebearer

Cursed to seek adventure. Exhausted from constant adventuring. Head is filled with the urgings of the Hat of Adventure, which he wears on his head. Constantly learns the location of interesting, dangerous locations. Hasn't slept in weeks.

Derick Pharks
Level 0 Epic Turnip Farmer
Scion of a long line of immensely powerful sorcerers.  Currently travelling to the nearest capitol city in order to sell his prize turnip, a 600 lb turnip that groans whenever it is prodded.  It's not a person trapped inside a turnip or anything--it's just a giant, groaning turnip.

Shirn the Shalectian

Level 0 Snake Herder
Travels the roads with a herd of snakes.  Is hired to remove snakes from villages and destroy them.  He removes the snakes, but keeps them on hand for meat and companionship.  Accompanied by 1d6 very confused sheep dogs.

The people on this page can be NPCs that you meet on the road, in a dungeon, or as hirelings.  As +Daniel Dean pointed out today, they can also be interesting people buried in a graveyard.

Rival Adventuring Parties

The leader of each party is the first one mentioned.  They're whatever level is best for your campaign, but I recommend Level 1d4 for the whole party.  Make the leader one level higher.

1

Sken the Rogue, wears a dirty old noose around his neck.  When killed, the noose will resurrect him in 1d20 hours.  If you remove the noose before he self-resurrects, he'll return as a wight capable of tracking the noose.  If you break his neck, he stays dead permanently.  Nervous, bold.  He often kills people out of fear.

Molly the Rogue.  Sken's girlfriend.  Loves Sken more than he loves her, and it breaks her heart.  She carries a map of the first level of the dungeon.  Has a symbol of disease (save or get slimy doom) on the inside of her eyepatch.

Flanders the Fighter.  Brother to Sken.  Bad teeth, rotten breath.  Insulting oaf, but has a surprising amount of HP.

Corwin the Wizard.  Dedicated to studying undead.  His tongue was cut out years ago for the crime of "heretical wizardry".  Now he can only speak through his owl familiar.

2

Bosh the Ogre.  Wears horse barding as armor.  It fits very poorly.  Raised in by overly optimistic monks, Bosh is as smart as a human and speaks Common.  (He pretends to know Ogre, but he doesn't.)  He's an asshole, but not an unredeemable one.  Incredibly greedy.

Furyk the Fighter.  Glaive.  Magnificent mustache.  Proud of his skills.  Envious of Bosh's strength.

Gadwell the Fighter.  Deadly with a bow.  Alert at all times.  Eats black bread.  Reads stolen love letters, often stolen from people he's killed.

3 

Mancy the Cleric.  Blessed by her goddess, she can never get dirty.  Wears white silk.  Has sworn an oath to heal anyone who gives up their weapons.  Charitable.  Kind.  Averse to gore and filth.  Driven by strange dreams.

Mandrake the Rogue.  Manipulated Mancy into this dungeon expedition.  Carries an absurd amount of gold on his person, hidden inside his fake leg and wrapped in felt so it does not clink.  Paranoid.  Friendly.  Evil.

Turlock the Rogue.  13 years old.  Mandrake's son.  Loves horses, fishing, gold, and murder.  Sniffle-nosed, but otherwise a handsome kid.  Polite.

Father Drum the Fighter.  Old as shit.  Has quested with Mandrake for over 20 years.  Both men hate each other but greatly respect each other's talents.  Very tough for an old dude, but he's getting slow.

Quisling the Fighter.  Hired to be here less than a week ago.  Weak chin.  Wants a soft bed.  Morale 6.  Infested by lice, constantly itching.  Would do pretty much anything for a cure.  

4

Faust the Fighter.  On a quest to kill the succubus who destroyed his father and then his mother, but destined to be killed by goblins, of which he has an irrational fear.  Long goatee tied around a gold ring.  Wears red silk.

Grimface the Orc.  Faust's best friend.  Reliable, trustworthy, sexual, and violent.

Gooley the Goblin.  The party's butt boy.  Carries a treasure chest strapped to his back and a torch.  He even sleeps with his torch.  Has a thing for torches, and fire in general.

Durian the Wizard.  Alcoholic.  Speaks to birds, usually asks them to tell him dirty jokes.  Looks like a hobo.  Incredibly knowledgeable about lots of stuff.  This is his last journey before he settles down to become a seer.  Always dozes off when its his turn on watch.  Wants to spend a couple of days trading spells.

Marian the Wizard.  Durian's sister.  Sort of like a clean, less talented version of her sister.  He joined the party to take care of her, but she ends up taking care of him more often.  She drinks expensive wines and eats expensive cheeses, and always carries a couple.

5

Greenfellow the Troll.  Surly and dumb, struggling to understand the magic sword that is possessing him.  The sword is called Firelight, and it is on a holy mission to purge the world of all orcs and other evil things that hide out in dungeons, while protecting the innocent.  Greenfellow cusses a lot and seems to change his mind, but his actions are all Good (thanks to Firelight's whispers in his head), even if his heart is in the wrong place.

Tarf the Fighter.  Thinks that Greenfellow is a saint.  Would fallow him into hell, despite all the time Greenfellow has cursed Tarf's name.  Lawful stupid.  Captain America.

Scarleaf the Elven Thief is just here for the bitches.  Has a magical disease on his back (it's growing eyeballs now!) and so he'll never remove his shirt.  Anyone looting his body will touch his weird dorsal tendrils and must save vs disease or contract it themselves.

Gimbie the Wizard.  So short that he is often mistaken for a dwarf or a halfling or something.  He's a decent guy, but he has very poor impulse control.

6

Reya of the Nine Towers, Fighter.  Travels everywhere with her loyal polar bear mount, named Vosko.  Is destined to save the Temple of the Nine, or destroy it.  Six feet tall.  Likes cold puddings and lame jokes.  Kind to her friends, callous to everyone else.

Visha the Cleric.  Reya's girlfriend.  Wears seashell armor and has a crossbow.  Carries 3 lightning bolts that turn into 3d6 lightning bolts when fired.  Green eyes, wears a lot of jewelry.  Worships the god of the Edgeless Sharp (who is not evil as much as he is merely understood).

Tameerleon the Cleric.  She carries a boomerang and a poisoned sword.  Anyone struck by it must save or begin turning into a frog (takes 3 days, can be cured by submersion in pure water, after 3 days becomes permanent).  Is also in love with Reya and it's awkward for everyone.  Is always the one to volunteer to scout off alone.  Plays chess, carries a chess set.  Worships dogs, all dogs.  Is technically the first cleric of her religion and is defensive about this.

Smatha the Fighter.  Is an amazing swordswoman, the best in her home city of Shangalore.  Gets +2 to hit and damage with sword when wielding them right-handed, but is currently training her left.  Will switch hands if she thinks the fight is getting serious.  Wants to fight the best opponents possible.

Gung the Rogue.  14 years old.  Already an accomplished assassin.  Is posing as the link boy, pretending to only carry the lantern.  Is on a mission from the Temple of the Nine to kill Reya if she shows any inclination of wanting to destroy the Temple.  Clever, pragmatic, handsome, cute butt.  A string tied to his molar goes into his stomach, where it is attached to a very tightly sealed vial of deadly poison.  Doesn't talk much, but smiles knowingly sometimes.

Three and a Half Extradimensional Adventurers

These are all humanoids.  Or at least, they have have two legs, two arms, and a head in the usual place, unless otherwise noted.

red lotus
not even once

Krulhir the Sublimator

He is nine feet tall, six feet wide.  Skin is thick and puckered, like an abused lemon.  Not so much corpulent as he is full.  Arms and legs have atrophied, and resemble stretched out baby-arms poking from his body.  Talks in a falsetto.  Starmetal skullcap is bolted over his eyes, with a pinhole in the center that is actually a portal to black space near canopus.  Negative pressure--air is constantly being sucked into his head, a quiet but shrill whistling sound. 

From his bolted-on helmet hang a bunch of black twine (or at least it looks like twine).  This twine is woven into a net that supports his body.  It keeps him pear-shaped.  Can you picture a 100-gallon water balloon wrapped up snug in a fishing net?  It's like that.

Krulhir is a wizard, sort of.  Where he comes from, he is not considered a wizard, merely a dabbler, but he has a powerful tolerance for gravity and dense atmospheres.  He sweats ammonia.  He is looking for a unicorn to bring back with him.  He is actually very humble, naive, and fearful.  He's like a 7 HD wizard, worst possible AC, with a hover speed equal to a walk.  If he is injured, his mercurial ioun stones will accelerate to fantastic speeds, orbiting body like bullets.  He bleeds milky water from which will sprout pale cilia that will thrash for a day and then die out.  In addition to the stuff in the next paragraph, he knows the spells animate teeth, infectious starlight, reverse object's gravity (permanent), and ultra-magnetokinesis.

From the solar pinhole in his forhead, he can shoot fireballs.  Except they don't look like fireballs.  They don't look like anything at all.  They don't even make any noise, just things start to blacken, evaporate.  It's pyrolysis--slow combustion in the absence of oxygen--but it functions like a fireball spell.  No flame, nor ashes.  Charcoal.  There is also a silence effect in there, too, so there is no noise.  Stealth explosions.  If you watch a bunch of peasants get hit by it, you'll see them be swallowed up by a superheated-but-gently-wafting cloud of steam, which will reveal charcoal mummies frozen in various poses of disbelief.

He is travelling with a quartet of bald, blue-skinned, elephant-nosed space orcs who intend to kill and rob him as soon as possible.

honey, did you remember to feed the dog?
we have a dog?

Malala Kurema Kazhonn (emphasis on the second syllable of each word)

Seven feet tall, looks like an albino python out of the corner of your eye.  Then you get a better look at her, and realize that she actually is human.  Or at least she looks human.  Her eyes are pink pearls, and she moves like a bag full of snakes.

Because that's what she is.  Malala Kurema Kazhonn is a member of a moon-dwelling species of necroparasitic metacnidarians (relative to the freshwater, microscopic hydras).  She has spend her whole life worshipping humans (which are rare on the moon) and ensuring that the humans (sacred pets of the temple) are protected against those who would injure them.

When one of the sacred human-pets died, she was given the great honor of being allowed to inhabit its body.  She lost 880 lbs in 24 hours in order to fit into the dead human's body.  It was a painful process, and she had never been so honored.  Now that she has left her polyp life stage and entered her medusa stage, she has finally become an adult.

She's here to obtain some fresh breeding stock for the holy temple-humans in her lunar enclave.  When she first encountered humans "in the wild", she was at first shocked, then disgusted, then resigned.  These planetary humans are unhealthy, uneducated, cruel, boorish, and filthy.  Still, it's her duty to capture a few of the less offensive specimens.  Paladins are good.  So are scholars and nobles.  She's captured six suitable specimens so far (which she keeps inside a specialized bag of holding, which looks a bit like a fanny pack) and has been able to bargain for another dozen sperm samples from suitable males (paying for them with uncut rubies).

She is accompanied by a pack of loyal displacer beasts, and rides atop a giant jellyfish.  She wears a breastplate filled with stinging cnidocysts.  On her belt she has an infinitely sharp dagger, which can cut anything, even space.  (Cutting space is a bit like hanging a mono-molecular wire in the air.  You know immovable rods?  It's like that, except really, really sharp.)  But that's just a novelty, really.

Her real weapon is an amberglass electro-scimitar-whip that she stores in her dead human's throat.  In combat, it looks like the woman is wielding it with her tongue, but really that is just Malala's tentacle (part of her real body) waving it around.  It's a long tentacle, and the electro-scimitar-whip also has a lot of reach, so she'd prefer to go quadrupedal, scuttle up on to the ceiling, and lash out with the electro-scimitar-whip (20' reach, all in all).  She has 6 HD, breastplate AC, and would rather bargain than fight to the death.  She views her mission as noble, good, and sacred, but she's no fool.

If her human body is killed, her real body will spill out and begin screaming as she exsanguinates in our harsh atmosphere.  She will attempt to take over another human body, but this is a feeble attempt that will only succeed if there is an unconscious or recently dead human nearby, and no-one molests her for a full five minutes, since she is so fragile in our atmosphere (-4 to hit, unarmored AC, 3 HD, can only crawl).

Fond of spouting incomprehensible alien parables (The Tale of the Man Raised by Jale Beans, The Priest Who Was Three Babies, The Man Inside the Man Inside the Sun, etc) in an attempt to educate the boorish races around her and make the more moral.  Has excellent maps of the world, seven hundred years out of date.  Has absolutely zero regard for children and babies, since personhood is intrinsically linked to sexual maturity.  

Has a paladin's morality, but it is an alien paladin.  Thinks that she is doing a good thing by kidnapping humans, and in a way, she's totally right about that, since the humans on the moon are treated like rich people's favorite dogs.  Good food, lots of sex with lisping moon beauties, great medical care.  The moon-priests will try to avoid the claustrophobia, but the oxygenated crust-cysts are only so big.

whatever.  you get the idea
fuck you for judging me

Vladimir and Estragon

Vladimir (or Estragon) looks like a perfectly normal naked man who is wearing a crown of fetuses.  A closer look reveals that the fetuses' skulls are conjoined with his.  Conjugated hextuplets?  That happens, right?  In truth, this is exactly what he is.  Or at least, he's was one member of conjugated hextuplets when he was born, but he's gone on to become so much more than that.

Vladimir (or Estragon) is a friendly man, although hairless and a bit too pink.  Only one of the fetuses is awake.  The other four fetuses (Nibellen, Walpurgio, Sothric, Thulotes) appear to be deeply asleep.  The six brothers are a bit like six people that share a body.  If Vladimir is the full-size human, he can squeeze his mass into Estragon (the other awake brother).  Vladimir will shrivel away into a tiny fetus, while Estragon will swell up into a full-size human.  Since they are naked twins, the only difference is which side of their head the awakened fetus is.

They are pleasant enough.  They'll chat amiably and share news as long as they aren't approached with any hostility.  If asked, they'll share that they're waiting for someone.  They're waiting for God.  Polytheism?  No, there is only one God.  He is a good and kind God.  He told them to wait here personally, but they don't remember how long ago, or how much longer until he arrives, exactly.  They don't mind.  Nothing wrong with waiting.  They're quite good at waiting.

It'll be nice when God gets here, though.  The whole world will merge with him, and everyone will be happy.  No more sadness, no more war.  No more beaten dogs.  Just bliss, just unity.  It'll only take a second, and then poof--everyone will understand everything and be happy forever.  Ecstasy.  And because we'll all know everything that everyone else knows, it's like we'll all be one person.  Vladimir and Estragon know something about being one person.  It's quite nice.  Never lonely.  You always have a sympathetic ear, right Estragon?  Right.

Oh yes, there will be so much rejoiced when God arrives to devour the sun and everything else.

THE CATCH is that Vladimir and Estragon are sitting somewhere awkward.  The PCs need to use the summoning circle that Vladimir and Estragon are sitting in.  Or they need to retrieve that throne.  Or they're sitting on part of the inscription that needs to be translated.

Under no circumstances will Vladimir, Estragon, or their brothers budge from the spot.  God ordered them to stay here.

Their special ability is theft.  Attack them with a sword and suddenly the sword is in their hands.  And suddenly your armor is gone, too.  The hextuplets are wearing it.  They cast a spell, and the party mage forgets it.  They drink a potion and suddenly it is gone from their inventory.  How strong are they?  How strong is the strongest person in your party?  

If they feel sincerely threatened, they'll also drain party members, usually starting with the strongest ones.  People who get drained will shrivel into fetus-things, only 1' tall, with a 3 in all of their physical stats.  And another of the hextuplets will inflate into a full grown person, until there's just a cartwheel of six full-sized men, joined at the head, spinning like a ferris wheel made from stolen weapons, laughing and apologizing and praying and chatting.

Honestly the best tactic would be to take off all of your equipment and charge him en mass while naked and without any spells memorized, then just headbutt him into submission.  Of course, the PCs might be dead before they realize this.

Okay, he wasn't really an adventurer.  I guess I owe you guys another one.

Lady Molassah, a.k.a. the Stain

Molassah is a woman who is also a sentient tattoo.  She is also an assassin.  She looks like something that a sailor would get tattooed in a seedy tattoo parlor, and in fact, that's exactly where she was born. 

Here's how it works: Lady Molassah is trapped on the skin of whoever she's on.  It's a bit like being marooned a smelly, hairy island (she's fond of that analogy).  But whenever that person has sex, she's able to cross over at the point of penetration.  It's like a temporary isthmus between two islands.

She can slide around quite quickly on skin, and disguise herself as any kind of lady she chooses.  She can hide in an armpit, or take a hostage by standing atop a jugular.  

Every morning, Lady Molassah makes an opposed Charisma check with her "island".  She has 18 Charisma and is a level 9 Thief.  If she wins, she gets control of the body for the day.

Did I mention that she's an assassin?  She's usually going somewhere to kill someone, in exchange for a fat wad of cash.

The PCs will meet her after one of the PCs has sex.  She'll just show up on their bodies the next morning, trying to take control of their minds so she can hope on a ship to Meltheria (or wheverever her contract takes her).  She might pose as an innocuous tramp stamp, so it might take the PCs some time to discover why one of their members has suddenly turned into an NPC and run away.

She's impatient, but she's not unreasonable.  She doesn't like unnecessary violence (but necessary violence is another story).  If she is discovered and threatened, she may try to hide (on an inner thigh or something) or take her island hostage (by sitting on a jugular and refusing to budge).  Or she might negotiate, offering to help the party in exchange for them helping her.  Or she might just demand that the tattooed PC sleep with a sailor immediately so that they can both be rid of each other.

Okay, she's not really extradimensional, but fuck it.