I reread some old blogposts today. Holy shit, remember the horses I did with Chris McDowall? Those were great.
The d6 Dungeon Merchants post was also a good one. I think it deserves a sequel.
Players can always choose to attempt to kill the merchant and take all of his stuff. To make this fair, though, you really should make the merchant scary enough to threaten your party.
You can plop a dungeon merchant on your wandering monster table, or you can put them in a fixed location.
7 - The Bloom Pattern
You are resting in the dungeon. Sitting on a rock, eating your lunch. Across the room, you spot an odd little mound of dirt. Was it there before? As you watch, it grows, an inch and then another. Suddenly, it leans back and . . . stands up?
It is a skeletal thing, like a fetus without arms or legs. Gelatinous tissues cling to it, and flowers begin to bloom between the bones. It continues growing and stretching until its head is level with your own.
“Greetings” a voice speaks, directly inside your mind. “Do you require healing?”
The Bloom Pattern is a nature spirit, scion of one of the lesser tree gods, all completely unknown to your race. It isn’t important. The Bloom Pattern is currently a servant of The Good God of Rot, as part of a hostage exchange. The thing in front of you is merely an extension of the larger conceptual entity that is the Bloom Pattern. It has only recently been cursed with the delusion of singularity. (It doesn’t expect you to understand this. All humans suffer from the same delusion–that they are only a singular person.)
If questioned, the Bloom Pattern will patiently explain that rot is actually a good thing. You really don’t want to live in a world where living things never rot. Rot Spirits and Tree Spirits normally get along great, since Rot Spirits can’t do anything to a healthy tree except help it.
In its fully grown form, it’s a wooden skeleton with no limbs, curling out of the ground, with a weird skull that tapers down to a mouthless point, a bit like a trunk. Flowers grow on top of this, of all shapes and colors. It smells pleasant.
Selling:
The Bloom Pattern is a healer. Stand before it and be inspected, and it will tell you its price. It can restore HP at a rate of 10s per hit point. Money must be buried at its feet.
However, the real value of the Bloom Pattern is that it is willing to buy magical scrolls and potions for a good price. If the scrolls and potions would be valuable for alchemical, agricultural, or botanical pursuits, the Bloom Pattern will pay an even higher price.
If the party is respectful and asks questions, it will tell you where to find the God of Good Rot. The Good God has a need for more mobile servants, and it is willing to pay.
When it "departs", it merely dies. The flowers fall off. The jelly dries up and rots, leaving black sludge stains on the floor. All that is left is the wooden skeleton watching over an empty room, curling like a shepherd’s crozier.
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| How the Bloom Pattern sprouts. |
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| Images from Blame! by Tsutomo Nihei |
8 - Mister Bucket
A gigantic ghoul pushing a wheelbarrow. (He's a ghast--even more monstrous than he looks.) Mister bucket is nearly 9’ tall, and has the arms proportions of an orangutan. He buys and sells corpses. While his usual customers are ghouls, he knows a customer when he sees one. Most of his body is hidden beneath a huge black cape.
He will greet you (rudely), invite you to come closer (also rude), take a sniff of the wares he has for sale in his wheelbarrow (terrible idea). If the party seems wary of approaching the huge ghoul (good idea), he’ll reassure them that he’s in a pretty good mood right now, because he hasn’t missed a meal in weeks. He’ll pull a leg out of the wheelbarrow and snack on it while leaning on the wall and wiggling his eyebrows. (This is what he does to appear non-threatening.)
He’s also a devout Hesayan, and will pull a little copy of the Vulgate out of his belt pocket and swear on it:
“I’ll never hurt an honest customer, what don’t hurt me or cheat me. Promise on the Prophetessa, may she live again.”
His copy of the Vulgate is indeed well-thumbed and worn. Mister Bucket is telling the truth.
Buying
- Meat! 10s for a dog, 100s for a cow. 20s for a peasant, 50s for a wizard. It all depends on how interesting the person was, as Mr. Bucket gets to experience fragments of the devoured person’s memories.
Will pay extra for weird meat and magical meat. Mister Bucket is weirdly susceptible to salesmanship. If the players talk up a corpse, he may pay 2x or 3x his usual price. However, if they lie to him (“cheat him”) he may demand his money back, or choose violence.
Selling (most or all of these things--he's pretty well stocked)
- Cursed Periapt of Enervation (200s): Gives you -4 to Con checks against poison, disease, and death. 200s.
- Cursed Ring of Death (800s): Makes you dead while you wear it. Dangerous to wear more than a 1d6 hours (you take 1 Con damage every hour after that, as the rot sets in).
- Cursed Bracelet of Immunity (700s) - You are immune to the effects of a disease. However, any disease you suffer from will be spread to others at a terrific rate..
- These Cute Little Dwarf Skulls (100s) - Can be spent to declare if a room has anything hidden in it. Basically duplicates 10 minutes of searching into a single action. 50% chance of depleting after each use, as the weary ghost in the skull finally departs with a grown.
- Stench Bone (100s) - Break it in half to make a horrible stench, will drive people and animals away (as antipathy, but only on things with noses).
- “Dragon Teeth” (300s each) - Look like fractal fish hooks of enamel, too fragile to be actual teeth. Throw them on the ground, they turn into skeletons who will attack you. If the skeletons can’t see you, they’ll attack random people instead.
- Snake Oil (50s) - Makes you smell like a snake.
9 - Doomslave Senthrax
A gigantic muscular man in spiked armor and a magnificent red cape. Absolutely massive calves–one of the first things anyone notices about him. Very evil, very friendly.
He is a doomslave! A servant of Phasmagore, the demon-goddess of senseless slaughter. (The more senseless the better.)
He is accompanied by his apprentices, of which there are six. They all wear different GWAR costumes: spikes, blood, leather straps. However, compared to Doomslave Senthrax, they are all a bit scrawnier, and their armor looks like costumes–a bit artificial.
When the party encounters Doomslave Senthrax, he’ll stop ask his apprentices:
“Halt! Look before us! A lowly gang of crypt robbers! Should you encircle and slaughter them?”
One his apprentices will venture an affirmative, and then Doomslave Senthrax will smack the back of his head hard enough to knock him down.
“Fool! Look how well armed they are! They would kill you!”
Senthrax will then assess the party’s fighting skills, and describe them to the party.
“That one is their protector! Look how easily they wear their armor! Notice the scuffs on their shield! And that one over there is a magic thrower! See the soot-marks on their fingers? A fireball may be within their quiver. That one is a sneak-thief! See the thicknesses in their forearms where they carry extra daggers? And that scent is wurm-venom, which may be on those very daggers. . . .”
Senthrax’s assessments are very accurate. He has been doing this for a long time.
After Senthrax is done lecturing his students, he’ll come forward and offer a fearless handshake. He’ll offer to share water, and ask for news of the dungeon. He’ll also ask if anyone fancies a quick duel to the death.
Buying:
- Duels to the death, against one of his students. He’ll pay you 100s, or double if you win. If you accept, he’ll select the student who is most equal to you in level in ability, and then tell that student all of your weaknesses and abilities before the fight starts.
Selling:
Doomslaves! For a reasonable fee, you can hire one of his students as a mercenary. However, you only get them for the rest of the day. The only condition is that you must throw them into mortal combat. Not certain death! But something suitably grisly. Put them on the front line! Let me know if they show cowardice. No pulling levers! No fancy “open this chest that is probably trapped”! Just make them kill shit, Grox dammit!
If someone asks: “What if we just kill your student and keep the money?” he will just shake his head, smile, and wink. That’s a bad idea, he’ll tell you. He won’t elaborate.
- Shirika, L1 Barbarian. Moose antler helmet and battleaxe. Stinks of beer. Always rages. (200s)
- The Reaper, L1 Assassin. Just a dumb, depressed teenager. Bloodthirsty, but will cry if he fails a morale or fear check. (200s)
- Boxton, L1 Fighter. Heavy armor. Huge spiked shield. Obviously aroused by combat. Fightly bravely but kinda seems like he wants to die, maybe? (300s)
- Guldra, L1 Death Eater. Orc Death Eater. Fights with a bow. Eats a part of every creature that he kills. A medicine pouch on his neck carries a bezoar (can be swallowed as anti-venom) and his two mummified testicles. Can cast speak with dead 1/day. (400s)
- Dio, L1 Battlemaster. Can give commands as a standard action, allowing 1 person to make a free attack roll. Expects to be the leader of your party. Unfortunately, he is neither a brilliant tactician, nor incompetent enough to be dissuaded. Smokes tobacco out of a crowskull pipe. (400s).
- Mellie Scarbelly, L2 Amazon. Not her real name. Fights with a boomerang, or a sword and shield. Can run along walls (+4 to jump checks). Joined the doomslaves in order to marry Senthrax, but would abandon the cult if someone else was very strong and also agreed to marry her. 400s.
Doomslave Senthrax doesn’t actually have any way of knowing that you won’t just kill his student and keep the money. It’s a bluff. His goal is just to put his students into risky situations and see which ones thrive. He’s also a maniac in combat, being able to make 4x attacks per round.
10 - Fina Fesculina
A tall, broad shouldered woman with long red hair. She wears a leather dress with loose buttons the entire length of the front. Muscular shoulders, wide hips, large breasts, pot belly, but still lanky with her height. Carries a staff with a circle on the top–kinda like a dream-catcher with a hand woven into the middle of it.
Fina Fesculina is the granddaughter of Oshregaal, a powerful biomancer and famous gourmand. She’s here looking for her brother, Tavis.
“If you see him, just come and tell me or Peepah, okay? Don’t even talk to him–he’s a real mean boy. Don’t even let him see you. His name is Trevis–but I mean that! You watch out for him, okay.”
Fina Fesculina is also very evil and very friendly. If asked, she’ll happily tell you that she’s a biomancer. Everyone in her family is. She’ll ask if you have any food to spare–she already ate all of hers.
Buying:
- Food, and paying double.
- She’ll pay 3x for any rare foods or spices. She knows that Peepah loves them.
Selling
- Mutations. “I’ll do my best, but no guarantees!” Roll 2x on the d100 mutations table and pick the best one. Permanent. 200s.
- Temporary HP. She’ll slit her wrist, and red blood drips out. “Wait, shoot. Not that one.” The bloodflow immediately stops. She slits her wrist at a different angle, and a little deeper. A different type of blood flows out. This stuff she cooks over a low flame while adding drops of moonshine, until it clarifies and thickens. Takes 10 minutes. If eaten with your lunch, you heal to full and gain 1d4+2 temporary hit points on top of that. 200s.
- Bird Dagger. She reaches waaaay down her throat and pulls out this bone-handled dagger. When thrown, it sprouts boney wings, and gets +4 to hit a target who is already bleeding, and +4 to hit a target that it has previously damaged (these bonuses stack).
She likes the party, or if the party offends her, she’ll tell them that they should visit her Peepah, and give them directions to his mansion, only a little further underground. (Grandfather Oshregaal will attempts to eat all of his guests, which is perfect for people that offend her. If she likes you, she invites you back to the mansion because she assumes that she'll be there to stop her grandfather from eating you.)
If the party eats lunch with her, she’ll open her dress and her boyfriend will come out of her abdominal cavity, where he has been sleeping. His name is Shiloh, they’ve been dating for 18 months now. They met at a painting class. His legs and most of his organs have been removed, and he’s been fused to her bloodstream. It’s a little uncomfortable opening her rib cage like this, but honestly it’s the best way to travel. So many people treat you differently when you’re with your boyfriend. They’re saving up for the wedding.
Shiloh doesn’t talk much. He might ask people if they’re dating anyone. He’ll eat a few bites, give Fina a kiss and an “I love you, little rabbit”, and then disappear back inside Fina for a nap.
11 - Doppler and His Friendly Family
A filthy family of five lurches out of the doorway. They’re covered in dirt and their clothes are torn. They seem to have trouble focusing on anything, and their eyes keep jumping from object object. They speak haltingly, and sometimes perform large contortions of the mouth, moving their tongues and lips in all directions.
This is the Doppler family. If you ask them what’s wrong, they’ll tell you that they’re doing fine! Would you like to buy some food?
If you persist in asking them what’s wrong, they’ll tell you that they recently got some brainworms, but they’re doing a lot better now. They still have brainworms, but they got better. They’re in the dungeon because their neighbors found out, and then chased them off.
They are going to travel far from this place, and need supplies.
Buying (paying 2x for all items):
- Rope
- Clothing
- Medicine
- Cooking Pots
- Bedrolls
- Soap
Selling:
- A brain worm, guaranteed to make you smarter. (10s)
- Sack of turnips (5s)
- A nice candlestick, looks like it might be real brass (10s)
- A brain worm, you sure you don’t want one? (5s)
They’re unhappy since their friends and neighbors tried to kill them. Who knew that people would get so upset about a little worm no bigger than your finger?
“Well, take care out there. We’ll pray for you. I hope you’ll do the same for us.”
12 - Luroclane, Son of Luroc
That door definitely wasn’t there last time you were in this room. A sign above the door shows books, bottles, and jewelry. Beside the door is a bell and a sign that reads “RING FOR BUSINESS”.
There is a dungeon that travels the Underworld, a cluster of rooms that swims through the earth like a school of bubbles. The rooms are all stolen: some from castles, some from crypts, some from fantastic libraries.
This collection of rooms is filled with the soul of the architect Luroc, who is very well known. However, less known is Luroc’s son, Luroclane.
Luroclane fancies himself a merchant. He is travelling around with his girlfriend, Lyrina. She is accompanied by Pumpkin, a big stupid orange tomcat wearing a little green vest. Lyrina can only speak directly to Luroclane in her dreams, but she can get a general feel for his mood based on the temperature, how well the doors align between rooms, and how crisp the upper corners are in each room.
Smaller than his parent, Luroclane is only composed of 3 rooms.
The front room is a fairly ordinary-seeming shop. Shelving, lantern, cat, and a comfortable chaise lounge. One wall has a huge painting of a seascape. (This was Lyrina’s idea. It can get a little claustrophobic in this place.) In the corner is a suit of armor.
Lyrina will give you the elevator pitch about this place and ask if you’d like to buy anything.
Buying:
- Food (will pay 2x)
- Delicious Food (will pay 3x)
- Song (will pay 10s to a decent bard, 20s for an excellent one)
- Some new dresses (will pay 2x)
Luroclane mostly sells things that Luroc is tired of hauling around, but he also does a small side business in magic items. (I don’t allow my players to buy magic items, but this is an exception.)
Selling:
- 1d2 random potions, identified (300s each)
- 1d2 random scrolls, identified (300s each)
- A painting that Lyrica did of Pum-pum sleeping atop a dragon’s foot. (60s)
- A lost painting by Marafugio, a master. Worth 1500s but very fragile. (1000s)
- A bust of the third emperor. Would look great in your apartment. Worth 500s but heavy. (200s)
- Stone hands, broken from a larger statue. If held up to a harp, they will play it masterfully, tugging your arms along as you support the hands. Worth 500s. (300s)
If you buy a lot of stuff, Lyrina will identify you as a big spender. She’ll ask you if you want to meet up again, in order for you to buy more things. She’ll pick a location in this dungeon and a date 1d6 days away–as long as you agree to come back with more money.
The second room is a storage room. It contains:
- Shelves:1d6+3 additional scrolls that Lyrina hasn’t been able to identify.
- An ornate sarcophagus containing the mummy Eshtefar, who is attempting to hitch a ride back to his temple in Abasinia. Gold headpiece worth 1250s.
- 8 fragmentary statues from the Abominable Island, each worth 100s.
- A small box with a ramp and doorway. This is a litterbox.
The third room is Lyrina’s bedroom. It contains
- a huge circular bed
- a book collection (40 books worth 600s in total)
- a desk covered with painting supplies and a half-finished painting of the Bastion of Medurak (an anteincendial dam).
- Ceiling: constellations of gemstones–actually just glass worth about 50s in total.
- Walls:
- 5 of Lyrina’s paintings, worth an average of 30s each.
- 5 lost paintings of ancient masters, and are worth an average of 600s.
Thievery is possible, since Luroclane is effectively blind. Lyrina is a level 3 wizard who knows sleep, charm, and invisibility, but she has no other special abilities. Her spellbook is Pumpkin, who is actually a catbook.
If combat breaks out, the suit of armor in the corner animates (stats as ogre in plate), Lyrina flees back to her bedroom, and Luroclane turns the doors into brick walls. Decent chance the mummy Eshtefar wakes up in response to noise–she won’t be happy either.
You might think that Pumpkin is a transformed dragon or something because he is wearing a little vest, but no. He is actually much dumber than an average cat.
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