d6 More Dungeon Merchants

 I reread some old blogposts today.  Holy shit, remember the horses I did with Chris McDowall?  Those were great.

The d6 Dungeon Merchants post was also a good one.  I think it deserves a sequel.

Players can always choose to attempt to kill the merchant and take all of his stuff.  To make this fair, though, you really should make the merchant scary enough to threaten your party.

You can plop a dungeon merchant on your wandering monster table, or you can put them in a fixed location.

7 - The Bloom Pattern

You are resting in the dungeon.  Sitting on a rock, eating your lunch.  Across the room, you spot an odd little mound of dirt.  Was it there before?  As you watch, it grows, an inch and then another.  Suddenly, it leans back and . . . stands up?  

It is a skeletal thing, like a fetus without arms or legs.  Gelatinous tissues cling to it, and flowers begin to bloom between the bones.  It continues growing and stretching until its head is level with your own.

“Greetings” a voice speaks, directly inside your mind.  “Do you require healing?”

The Bloom Pattern is a nature spirit, scion of one of the lesser tree gods, all completely unknown to your race.  It isn’t important.  The Bloom Pattern is currently a servant of The Good God of Rot, as part of a hostage exchange.  The thing in front of you is merely an extension of the larger conceptual entity that is the Bloom Pattern.  It has only recently been cursed with the delusion of singularity.  (It doesn’t expect you to understand this.  All humans suffer from the same delusion–that they are only a singular person.)

If questioned, the Bloom Pattern will patiently explain that rot is actually a good thing.  You really don’t want to live in a world where living things never rot.  Rot Spirits and Tree Spirits normally get along great, since Rot Spirits can’t do anything to a healthy tree except help it.

In its fully grown form, it’s a wooden skeleton with no limbs, curling out of the ground, with a weird skull that tapers down to a mouthless point, a bit like a trunk.  Flowers grow on top of this, of all shapes and colors.  It smells pleasant.

Selling:

The Bloom Pattern is a healer.  Stand before it and be inspected, and it will tell you its price.  It can restore HP at a rate of 10s per hit point.  Money must be buried at its feet.

However, the real value of the Bloom Pattern is that it is willing to buy magical scrolls and potions for a good price.  If the scrolls and potions would be valuable for alchemical, agricultural, or botanical pursuits, the Bloom Pattern will pay an even higher price.

If the party is respectful and asks questions, it will tell you where to find the God of Good Rot.  The Good God has a need for more mobile servants, and it is willing to pay.

When it "departs", it merely dies.  The flowers fall off.  The jelly dries up and rots, leaving black sludge stains on the floor.  All that is left is the wooden skeleton watching over an empty room, curling like a shepherd’s crozier.

How the Bloom Pattern sprouts.

Images from Blame! by Tsutomo Nihei

8 - Mister Bucket

A gigantic ghoul pushing a wheelbarrow.  (He's a ghast--even more monstrous than he looks.)  Mister bucket is nearly 9’ tall, and has the arms proportions of an orangutan.  He buys and sells corpses.  While his usual customers are ghouls, he knows a customer when he sees one.  Most of his body is hidden beneath a huge black cape.

He will greet you (rudely), invite you to come closer (also rude), take a sniff of the wares he has for sale in his wheelbarrow (terrible idea).  If the party seems wary of approaching the huge ghoul (good idea), he’ll reassure them that he’s in a pretty good mood right now, because he hasn’t missed a meal in weeks.  He’ll pull a leg out of the wheelbarrow and snack on it while leaning on the wall and wiggling his eyebrows.  (This is what he does to appear non-threatening.)

He’s also a devout Hesayan, and will pull a little copy of the Vulgate out of his belt pocket and swear on it: 

“I’ll never hurt an honest customer, what don’t hurt me or cheat me.  Promise on the Prophetessa, may she live again.”

His copy of the Vulgate is indeed well-thumbed and worn.  Mister Bucket is telling the truth.

Buying

• Meat!  10s for a dog, 100s for a cow.  20s for a peasant, 50s for a wizard.  It all depends on how interesting the person was, as Mr. Bucket gets to experience fragments of the devoured person’s memories.

Will pay extra for weird meat and magical meat.  Mister Bucket is weirdly susceptible to salesmanship.  If the players talk up a corpse, he may pay 2x or 3x his usual price.  However, if they lie to him (“cheat him”) he may demand his money back, or choose violence.

Selling (most or all of these things--he's pretty well stocked)

• Cursed Periapt of Enervation (200s): Gives you -4 to Con checks against poison, disease, and death.  200s.
• Cursed Ring of Death (800s): Makes you dead while you wear it. Dangerous to wear more than a 1d6 hours (you take 1 Con damage every hour after that, as the rot sets in).
• Cursed Bracelet of Immunity (700s) - You are immune to the effects of a disease.  However, any disease you suffer from will be spread to others at a terrific rate..
• These Cute Little Dwarf Skulls (100s) - Can be spent to declare if a room has anything hidden in it.  Basically duplicates 10 minutes of searching into a single action.  50% chance of depleting after each use, as the weary ghost in the skull finally departs with a grown.
• Stench Bone (100s) - Break it in half to make a horrible stench, will drive people and animals away (as antipathy, but only on things with noses).
• “Dragon Teeth” (300s each) - Look like fractal fish hooks of enamel, too fragile to be actual teeth.  Throw them on the ground, they turn into skeletons who will attack you.  If the skeletons can’t see you, they’ll attack random people instead.
• Snake Oil (50s) - Makes you smell like a snake.

9 - Doomslave Senthrax

A gigantic muscular man in spiked armor and a magnificent red cape.  Absolutely massive calves–one of the first things anyone notices about him.  Very evil, very friendly.

He is a doomslave!  A servant of Phasmagore, the demon-goddess of senseless slaughter.  (The more senseless the better.)

He is accompanied by his apprentices, of which there are six.  They all wear different GWAR costumes: spikes, blood, leather straps.  However, compared to Doomslave Senthrax, they are all a bit scrawnier, and their armor looks like costumes–a bit artificial.

When the party encounters Doomslave Senthrax, he’ll stop ask his apprentices:

“Halt!  Look before us!  A lowly gang of crypt robbers!  Should you encircle and slaughter them?”

One his apprentices will venture an affirmative, and then Doomslave Senthrax will smack the back of his head hard enough to knock him down.

“Fool!  Look how well armed they are!  They would kill you!”

Senthrax will then assess the party’s fighting skills, and describe them to the party.

“That one is their protector!  Look how easily they wear their armor!  Notice the scuffs on their shield!  And that one over there is a magic thrower!  See the soot-marks on their fingers?  A fireball may be within their quiver.  That one is a sneak-thief!  See the thicknesses in their forearms where they carry extra daggers?  And that scent is wurm-venom, which may be on those very daggers. . . .”

Senthrax’s assessments are very accurate.  He has been doing this for a long time.

After Senthrax is done lecturing his students, he’ll come forward and offer a fearless handshake.  He’ll offer to share water, and ask for news of the dungeon.  He’ll also ask if anyone fancies a quick duel to the death.  

Buying:

• Duels to the death, against one of his students.  He’ll pay you 100s, or double if you win.  If you accept, he’ll select the student who is most equal to you in level in ability, and then tell that student all of your weaknesses and abilities before the fight starts.

Selling:

Doomslaves!  For a reasonable fee, you can hire one of his students as a mercenary.  However, you only get them for the rest of the day.  The only condition is that you must throw them into mortal combat.  Not certain death!  But something suitably grisly.  Put them on the front line!  Let me know if they show cowardice.  No pulling levers!  No fancy “open this chest that is probably trapped”!  Just make them kill shit, Grox dammit!

If someone asks: “What if we just kill your student and keep the money?” he will just shake his head, smile, and wink.  That’s a bad idea, he’ll tell you.  He won’t elaborate.

- Shirika, L1 Barbarian.  Moose antler helmet and battleaxe.  Stinks of beer.  Always rages.  (200s)

- The Reaper, L1 Assassin.  Just a dumb, depressed teenager.  Bloodthirsty, but will cry if he fails a morale or fear check.  (200s)

- Boxton, L1 Fighter.  Heavy armor.  Huge spiked shield.  Obviously aroused by combat.  Fightly bravely but kinda seems like he wants to die, maybe?  (300s)

- Guldra, L1 Death Eater.  Orc Death Eater.  Fights with a bow.  Eats a part of every creature that he kills. A medicine pouch on his neck carries a bezoar (can be swallowed as anti-venom) and his two mummified testicles.  Can cast speak with dead 1/day.  (400s)

- Dio, L1 Battlemaster.  Can give commands as a standard action, allowing 1 person to make a free attack roll.  Expects to be the leader of your party.  Unfortunately, he is neither a brilliant tactician, nor incompetent enough to be dissuaded.  Smokes tobacco out of a crowskull pipe.  (400s).

- Mellie Scarbelly, L2 Amazon.  Not her real name.  Fights with a boomerang, or a sword and shield.  Can run along walls (+4 to jump checks).  Joined the doomslaves in order to marry Senthrax, but would abandon the cult if someone else was very strong and also agreed to marry her.  400s.

Doomslave Senthrax doesn’t actually have any way of knowing that you won’t just kill his student and keep the money.  It’s a bluff.  His goal is just to put his students into risky situations and see which ones thrive.  He’s also a maniac in combat, being able to make 4x attacks per round.

10 - Fina Fesculina

A tall, broad shouldered woman with long red hair.  She wears a leather dress with loose buttons the entire length of the front.  Muscular shoulders, wide hips, large breasts, pot belly, but still lanky with her height.  Carries a staff with a circle on the top–kinda like a dream-catcher with a hand woven into the middle of it.

Fina Fesculina is the granddaughter of Oshregaal, a powerful biomancer and famous gourmand.  She’s here looking for her brother, Tavis.

“If you see him, just come and tell me or Peepah, okay?  Don’t even talk to him–he’s a real mean boy.  Don’t even let him see you.  His name is Trevis–but I mean that!  You watch out for him, okay.”

Fina Fesculina is also very evil and very friendly.  If asked, she’ll happily tell you that she’s a biomancer.  Everyone in her family is.  She’ll ask if you have any food to spare–she already ate all of hers.

Buying: 

• Food, and paying double.  
• She’ll pay 3x for any rare foods or spices.  She knows that Peepah loves them.

Selling

- Mutations. “I’ll do my best, but no guarantees!”  Roll 2x on the d100 mutations table and pick the best one.  Permanent.  200s.

- Temporary HP.  She’ll slit her wrist, and red blood drips out.  “Wait, shoot.  Not that one.”  The bloodflow immediately stops.  She slits her wrist at a different angle, and a little deeper.  A different type of blood flows out.  This stuff she cooks over a low flame while adding drops of moonshine, until it clarifies and thickens. Takes 10 minutes.  If eaten with your lunch, you heal to full and gain 1d4+2 temporary hit points on top of that.  200s.

- Bird Dagger.  She reaches waaaay down her throat and pulls out this bone-handled dagger.  When thrown, it sprouts boney wings, and gets +4 to hit a target who is already bleeding, and +4 to hit a target that it has previously damaged (these bonuses stack).

She likes the party, or if the party offends her, she’ll tell them that they should visit her Peepah, and give them directions to his mansion, only a little further underground.  (Grandfather Oshregaal will attempts to eat all of his guests, which is perfect for people that offend her.  If she likes you, she invites you back to the mansion because she assumes that she'll be there to stop her grandfather from eating you.)

If the party eats lunch with her, she’ll open her dress and her boyfriend will come out of her abdominal cavity, where he has been sleeping.  His name is Shiloh, they’ve been dating for 18 months now.  They met at a painting class.  His legs and most of his organs have been removed, and he’s been fused to her bloodstream.  It’s a little uncomfortable opening her rib cage like this, but honestly it’s the best way to travel.  So many people treat you differently when you’re with your boyfriend.  They’re saving up for the wedding.

Shiloh doesn’t talk much.  He might ask people if they’re dating anyone.  He’ll eat a few bites, give Fina a kiss and an “I love you, little rabbit”, and then disappear back inside Fina for a nap.

11 - Doppler and His Friendly Family

A filthy family of five lurches out of the doorway.  They’re covered in dirt and their clothes are torn.  They seem to have trouble focusing on anything, and their eyes keep jumping from object object.  They speak haltingly, and sometimes perform large contortions of the mouth, moving their tongues and lips in all directions.

This is the Doppler family.  If you ask them what’s wrong, they’ll tell you that they’re doing fine!  Would you like to buy some food?

If you persist in asking them what’s wrong, they’ll tell you that they recently got some brainworms, but they’re doing a lot better now.  They still have brainworms, but they got better.  They’re in the dungeon because their neighbors found out, and then chased them off.

They are going to travel far from this place, and need supplies.

Buying (paying 2x for all items):

• Rope 
• Clothing 
• Medicine
• Cooking Pots
• Bedrolls
• Soap

Selling:

• A brain worm, guaranteed to make you smarter.  (10s)
• Sack of turnips (5s)
• A nice candlestick, looks like it might be real brass (10s)
• A brain worm, you sure you don’t want one? (5s)

They’re unhappy since their friends and neighbors tried to kill them.  Who knew that people would get so upset about a little worm no bigger than your finger?

“Well, take care out there.  We’ll pray for you.  I hope you’ll do the same for us.”

12 - Luroclane, Son of Luroc

That door definitely wasn’t there last time you were in this room.  A sign above the door shows books, bottles, and jewelry.  Beside the door is a bell and a sign that reads “RING FOR BUSINESS”.

There is a dungeon that travels the Underworld, a cluster of rooms that swims through the earth like a school of bubbles.  The rooms are all stolen: some from castles, some from crypts, some from fantastic libraries.

This collection of rooms is filled with the soul of the architect Luroc, who is very well known.  However, less known is Luroc’s son, Luroclane.

Luroclane fancies himself a merchant.  He is travelling around with his girlfriend, Lyrina.  She is accompanied by Pumpkin, a big stupid orange tomcat wearing a little green vest.  Lyrina can only speak directly to Luroclane in her dreams, but she can get a general feel for his mood based on the temperature, how well the doors align between rooms, and how crisp the upper corners are in each room.

Smaller than his parent, Luroclane is only composed of 3 rooms.

The front room is a fairly ordinary-seeming shop.  Shelving, lantern, cat, and a comfortable chaise lounge.  One wall has a huge painting of a seascape.  (This was Lyrina’s idea.  It can get a little claustrophobic in this place.)  In the corner is a suit of armor.

Lyrina will give you the elevator pitch about this place and ask if you’d like to buy anything.

Buying:

• Food (will pay 2x)
• Delicious Food (will pay 3x)
• Song (will pay 10s to a decent bard, 20s for an excellent one)
• Some new dresses (will pay 2x)

Luroclane mostly sells things that Luroc is tired of hauling around, but he also does a small side business in magic items.  (I don’t allow my players to buy magic items, but this is an exception.)

Selling:

• 1d2 random potions, identified (300s each)
• 1d2 random scrolls, identified (300s each)
• A painting that Lyrica did of Pum-pum sleeping atop a dragon’s foot.  (60s)
• A lost painting by Marafugio, a master.  Worth 1500s but very fragile.  (1000s)
• A bust of the third emperor.  Would look great in your apartment.  Worth 500s but heavy.  (200s)
• Stone hands, broken from a larger statue.  If held up to a harp, they will play it masterfully, tugging your arms along as you support the hands.  Worth 500s.  (300s)

They're also traveling to 

If you buy a lot of stuff, Lyrina will identify you as a big spender.  She’ll ask you if you want to meet up again, in order for you to buy more things.  She’ll pick a location in this dungeon and a date 1d6 days away–as long as you agree to come back with more money.

The second room is a storage room.  It contains: 

• Shelves:1d6+3 additional scrolls that Lyrina hasn’t been able to identify.
• An ornate sarcophagus containing the mummy Eshtefar, who is attempting to hitch a ride back to his temple in Abasinia.  Gold headpiece worth 1250s.
• 8 fragmentary statues from the Abominable Island, each worth 100s.
• A small box with a ramp and doorway.  This is a litterbox.

The third room is Lyrina’s bedroom. It contains 

• a huge circular bed
• a book collection (40 books worth 600s in total)
• a desk covered with painting supplies and a half-finished painting of the Bastion of Medurak (an anteincendial dam). 
• Ceiling: constellations of gemstones–actually just glass worth about 50s in total.  
• Walls:
• 5 of Lyrina’s paintings, worth an average of 30s each.  
• 5 lost paintings of ancient masters, and are worth an average of 600s.

Thievery is possible, since Luroclane is effectively blind.  Lyrina is a level 3 wizard who knows sleep, charm, and invisibility, but she has no other special abilities.  Her spellbook is Pumpkin, who is actually a catbook.

If combat breaks out, the suit of armor in the corner animates (stats as ogre in plate), Lyrina flees back to her bedroom, and Luroclane turns the doors into brick walls.  Decent chance the mummy Eshtefar wakes up in response to noise–she won’t be happy either.

You might think that Pumpkin is a transformed dragon or something because he is wearing a little vest, but no.  He is actually much dumber than an average cat.

Party Sheets

Player characters have a state composed of many variables.  Hit points remaining, inventory, saves, etc.  All of this is reflected in the character sheet.

A player-facing character sheet: it helps with feelings of ownership, allows players to make informed decisions quickly, and potentially teaches some of the game mechanics.

The Party Sheet

Like individual players, parties also have a state composed of many variables: reputation, shared inventory, ongoing plots, etc.

Unlike a character sheet, this information isn't always player facing.  Most DMs inform their players through play, or through updates at the beginning/end of each session.  But the information isn't at the players' fingertips, and this is probably a shame.

Shared resources should be available to the whole party to examine, and liting them on a party sheet does exactly that.  But there's another, less obvious, benefit here: lots of information that was previously in front of one player (or just the DM) is now on a sheet that the players can pass around between themselves.  This helps with transparancy and awareness, which in turn helps with agency.

So let me talk about all of the things that might belong on a party sheet.

Shared Inventory

So the party bought a pony to carry their 200 lbs of calimari rations.  This pony usually exists as a loose piece of paper, attached to a character sheet via paperclip.  This player might be the ponymaster, and do all the imaginary work of feeding the pony and all the actual work of being the pony's accountant.

If the pony's inventory is on the party sheet, the party can just pass it around and shuffle calimari rations as they see fit.  Efficient!

There's another, less obvious advantage here.  If everyone is looking at the pony's inventory, everyone is more aware of what the pony is carrying.  This doesn't necessarily happen if the ponymaster is the only person who is looking at the the pony's inventory.

Honestly, players should probably look at each other's character sheets a little bit more.  It's good for versimilitude ("I didn't know your character was fourteen years old!") as well as for tactical awareness ("Micah, *you* have a mirror!  Throw it to me!")

Hirelings

Make this shit transparent.

Markov, Level 1 fighter, chainmail tunic, spear, 3 javelins.  Loyalty 12.  Cheerful.  Distrusts women.  Loves games of chance.

Sure, maybe fill in the personality traits after Markov has been adventuring with you for a while, or don't fill them in at all.  That's certainly optional.  The point is to give players more information at their fingertips.

I encourage you to list the Loyalty (Morale) of your hirelings.  It makes sense in-game, since you would know which hirelings seem more respectful, and which hirelings seem more bitter.  People talk, after all.

It also makes sense at the table, since players can see the consequences of how they treat their hirelings.  Each time they treat a hireling like a disposable resource, or the hireling's life is endangered, they can see the Loyalty drop.  Each time they treat a hireling like a fellow party member, or grant them some boon, they can see the Loyalty rise.

Wisdom / Passive Perception

I use this sometimes to figure out how much description I should give a player when they are alone.  Low wisdom characters get more minimal descriptions of things.  High wisdom characters get non-obvious descriptions of people's emotions.  ("You can tell that the dwarven rock-rider captain is intensely proud from the way that they stands and speaks.  His words are meant for his men as much as for you.")

When the party is all together, I just tell everyone everything.  That lets them make better-informed decisions.

If you're playing 5th edition, this is also a good place to put down everyone's passive perceptions.

Noise / Perception

I've written before about my Noise/Perception system.  Basically, random encounters are rolled on a d20.  You have a 15% chance of getting a random encounter (a roll of 1-3) and a 15% chance of finding traces of the random monster without encountering it (a roll of 4-6).  These chances correspond to Noise 3 (chance of getting a random encounter) and Perception 3 (chance of finding traces of the random monster without encountering it).

Encumbrance and pack animals increase your Noise.

Rangers increase your Perception.

A party composed of six rangers would have Noise 3 and Perception 9.  They would get a random encounter on a roll of 1-3, and encounter traces of a random encounter on a roll of 4-12.

Reputation

Reputations are held with factions or with significant individuals.  They represent the party's ability to successfully request special treatment or favors.

They start at 1 (by default) and improve by 2-4 points at a spurt until 10, when they improve by 1-2 points at a time.  I also include a single word describing the nature of the reputation.  For example:

The Goblins of Mount Daggermouth 11 (awe of magic prowess)

King Oswic 9 (for service performed)

So, if the party asks the goblins of Mount Daggermouth to spy on the dragon on their behalf, the goblins have a 55% chance of accepting (11-in-20).  If the PCs back it up with a credible display of magical power (e.g. lightning bolting a tree), I'd probably give them a +4 bonus on this roll.  If they try to flatter the goblins by praising the goblins' power, I wouldn't give the +4 bonus, since it doesn't mesh with the reputation.

If the party asks King Oswic if they can read his dead daughter's diary, they have a 45% chance of success

Don't make reputation rolls if there's already a better way to settle it.  Business negotiations over the cost of a service are usually pretty cut and dry.  For example, just because you are friends with your drug dealer, don't expect cheaper rates, since prices are usually set.  Favoritism manifests in other ways: availability, information, opportunities, access.

Similarly, you don't need to make a roll if the conclusion is obvious.  If the party can credibly threaten the goblins with major destruction ("we can flood your caves with lava") then you don't need a roll to convince the goblins to spy on the dragon for you.  Just don't expect them to be incredibly loyal.

Team Spirits

Team spirits are spirits that respond when party members call on them.

• Anyone in the party can use a team spirit.  It takes a standard action to invoke one.
• Most team spirits can only be used a fixed amount of times (usually just once).
• They are comparable to spells, usually just a minor spell, but sometimes a very powerful one.
• You find them like treasure.

Team spirits are obtained by helping the local spirits/angels/daemons.  Restoring a head to a decapitated idol, saying prayers over a long-abandoned grave, freeing a luminescent spirit from where it was imprisoned inside a lantern, et cetera.

Once the party has a team spirit, any party member can invoke them.

<digression> A long time ago, I tried to fix the cleric's problem of being the heal monkey (which felt very salient in Pathfinder at the time).  People would need healing, and the cleric would spend all of their turns delivering heals.  My solution was just to give the cleric a divine spirit that followed him around.  Anyone in the party could petition the spirit for a heal, thereby saving the cleric an action.  To put it another way, clerical healing cost the healee an action, rather than the healer.  </digression>

Update: Guardian Angel

Under certain situations, anyone in the party can use a cleric's spells by calling upon the cleric's deity.  This allows the fighter to use the cleric's spells to heal to thief.  See here.

Potential Drama

The party burns down the inn and leave town, never to return.

The party traps the wizard in his time cube, but are unable to kill him.  They leave this area of the map.

The party saves the life of a fairy princeling, who promises that he will repay this favor, someday, somehow.  Then he vanishes into a tulip.

In many games, these things are forgotten.  The party moves on, escaping their punishment or their reward.  And that's a loss, I think.

One of the greatest things about a tabletop RPG (compared to a computer RPG) is that consequences can be both logical and wide-ranging.

Sometimes the consequences become visible when the party returns to the area.  Or sometimes the compaign is constrained enough that the party is always adjacent to the results of their actions.  But these conditions aren't guaranteed.  Better to have the effects revisit the party, instead of relying on the party to revisit the effects.

Here's my simple system:

On the party sheet, list all the potential drama that may come back to bite the party in the ass someday (for better or worse):  Grateful fairy prince.  Scorned wizard.  Angry, sober villagers.

Each session, roll a d6 for each of the potential aftereffects.  If you roll a 1, the party's history catches up with them:

• a battalion of cricket lancers shows up and pledges their services until the next blue moon
• an acid cloud shaped like the wizard's face chases the party for 48 hours
• or the elephant-riding bounty hunters show up.

If you rolled a 1 one all three of the potential dramas, then all three of them will resurface this session.  (Probably all at the same time.)

Will an ensorcelled acid cloud chase the party through the dungeon?  Absolutely.  The elephant riders are more likely to ambush the party outside the dungeon, which might be potentially disasterous if the cricket lancers didn't already warn the party.

I've attached a chart of possible wizardly reprisals at the bottom of this post, just to get the ball rolling.  Feel free to write more.  (I already have some good ideas for goblin reprisals.)

THIS WIZARD IS PISSED
OH FUCK
YOU BETTER START RUNNING
HE IS SO ANGRY AT YOU

1d6 Wizardly Reprisals

Because let's be honest, your party has probably pissed off a few wizards already.

1. Harpies show up, attack with tridents and feces (causes blindness until washed with snow, or blessed by a cleric).

2. Giant pink cloud shows up, taunts party, shrinks them all to 2 inches high.  Lasts 24 hours.  Have fun fighting velvet worms, you poor bastards.

3. Giant purple cloud shows up, taunts party, shrinks all of their possessions 100x.  Lasts 24 hours.

4. Mushrooms start sprouting up around the party, releasing plumes of hallucinatory spores.  Each mushroom resembles the wizard.  At a minimum, the spores make navigation impossible (all directions are effectively randomized, because when you see four suns, how can you navigate?)  All encounters for the rest of the day have their appearance and speech randomized, to the best of your ability.

5. Powerful demon shows up, attacks the party to the best of its ability.  While it attacks, it complains about the wizard, describes the wizard's weaknesses, including how to deprive him of the services of this demon.  When defeated, the demon vanishes with an exasperated sigh.

6. Hired mercenaries, riding a titanosaur, forced into tractability through the use of a fragile obedience helmet.

7. Just a shit-ton of rust monsters, driven onward by a trio of cackling imps.  The rust monsters bleat like scared sheep, and they will very efficiently devour the party's metal.

8. A spirit that looks like a hummingbird with the wizard's head.  It will fly around you, tell people of your misdeeds, warn monsters that you are attempting to ambush, and generally just be a pest.  Incorporeal.

The GLOG: Alchemy and Oozes

Here's an 18-page PDF about alchemy and oozes.  It's a lot longer than I originally intended, and yet, there are still things that I could add.

>GET IT HERE<

I tried to make a super-usable d100 table of potions.  They all have details on potion appearance and taste, which I'm not sure I've seen before.  I tried to make all the details give strong enough clues that players would have a strong hunch what the potion did (or at least when they should drink it) without giving it away 100%.  That's more fun than some fucking identify spell, methinks.

In terms of the d100 potion list, I'm not 100% happy with it, but I think I did a good job of hitting all my goals.

There's also a bunch of lore fluff (alchemical oblates) and random shit that is ripe for importing into your game (alternatives to potions, sludge vampires).  Actually, I hope all of this stuff is easily adaptable to your game.

Most of the stuff in here is not new stuff.  It's old stuff that has been organized and touched up.

If you've read all of my blog posts ever, here are the things in this document that you haven't seen before:

-Potion Appearances, Scents, and Tastes
-Alternatives to Potions
-Alchemical Oblates

by Svetlin Velinov

Travel and River Crossings

The wilderness is not your friend.

The problem is that most fantasy is fantasy Europe, and real Europe was just countries covered with farms and farms and known borders.

I don't like this.  Too many farms.  Too much possibility of realism infecting my elfgame.

There are city states surrounded by tiny amounts of well-patrolled farmlands.  This might be unrealistic, but fuck you.  

Everything else is a poorly mapped wasteland.  It's not a wasteland in the sense that it's desolate.  On the contrary, it's full of stuff.  But the stuff is not friendly or knowable.  It's elves (horrible, horrible elves), killing fogs, or abandoned cities filled with sobbing mice and nothing else.

You will get maps, and they will all be wrong.  People will tell you about trips that they have taken, and they will all be bad (even though the destinations might be pleasant).  Every crossroad has a graveyard.

The greatest thing that the Church has ever done (both in scope and improvement of life) is the construction of a maintained, well-labeled, protected road across the continent.

How to Make Travel Fun

People (myself included) often talk about how we'd like to make travel fun and meaningful.  This is a noble goal, and we are to be congratulated, patted on the head, and scratched reassuringly behind the ears.  

And we write system stuff for travel.  Rules.  Sometimes it works.  A little.

But.

More and more, I think that interesting travel has to come not from mechanics from from scenarios.  We need content, not system.  Travel needs to be where the game (content) is, not just something that you pass through in order to reach the game (content).

Now I'm just going to talk about river crossings as an example of where we can insert more game/content into our games.

Crossing a River

You come to a river.  Oh, god-fucking-dammit.  Roll a d6 to see what is here.

1. Appears normal, and is.
2. Appears normal, but is full of monsters.
3. Challenge to cross.
4. Bridge.
5. Ferry. 
6. Other NPC.

1. Appears normal, and is.

This is the result you want.  The river looks calm.  A character can easily swim across it if they aren't wearing any armor or carrying more than a rope.  If they tie a rope on the far side, the whole party will be able to get across.  Heavy shit like plate mail needs to be taken off and floated on a small raft, which might just be a bunch of sticks lashed together.

There is a 25% chance that this is actually a shallow ford (1d4+1 feet deep) and you can just walk across.  This is easy as long as you hold on to each other and nothing attacks you.

2. Appears normal, but is actually full of monsters.

Just as #1, except roll a d6.  

1. Hippo/demon hippo.
2. Giant carp.  
3. Rompers (dire otters that build dams and hunt the riverbanks).  
4. Chatty, hungry mermaids. 
5. Knights of Dendrola (mermaid witchs and slavers). 
6. Leeches!  Aaargh!

Stats for the hippo (temperate climate) and demon hippo (cold climate) are given at the end of this post.  You can write your own carp and mermaid stats.  All I will say about the leeches is that they're going to involve Wis checks to see how long the leeches are just stirges with stealth 5-in-6, who are able to drain blood without the target noticing (Wis check each round to notice).

Be sure to give players a small chance to notice hippos and giant carp.  Those things are fucking awful to fight in the water.  Just awful.  I'll put a couple of mermaid spells at the bottom of this page.

3. Challenge to Cross

I'm not going to go into detail here, because I need to go to bed and this seems boring.  Suffice to say, there are rocks and rapids and a very real risk of broken bones.

There is a 10% chance that the rocks are covered in jeering barnacle men.  They have slings, but will probably not use them (they are up here hunting for birds).

4. Bridge

Roll a d6.  Toll collectors usually charge per head (including pack animals) and a much larger fee for wagons.

1. Bridge Troll.  (Ex. Gunfus of the Singular Nostril.  Armed with a spiked club.  Collects heads.  Really wants a cat, especially some kittens.  (His old cat died, killed by people who took her hostage.  Their heads were stomped to splinters instead of being collected.))
2. Violent Bridge Goats.  Will knock the party into the river unless money is put into a large urn.
3. Guy who wants to fight.  Possibly a black knight scenario, or just some guy who is waiting for his nemesis to come along so he can fight a duel to the death.  He'll pass the time by fighting the party.  He's probably a total badass.
4. Haunted.
5. Unattended.  Yay.
6. Some sweet old man lives in a cottage strapped to the bridge.  He'll charge you the normal fees for crossing.  He wants someone to bring him a wife.

5. Ferry

50% chance that the ferry is waiting on this side of the river.  50% chance that you need to summon it by ringing a gong/bell.  Roll a d4.

1. Bandits.
2. Giant trained turtle with a donation box on his back.  Wants ear scratches.  Owned by merfolk who are usually within hearing distance.
3. Chatty, hungry mermaids will pull you across in a canoe.  They will ask for stories and will only try to eat you if you stop telling them or if you are boring.  It is possible to cross the river safely if you are interesting the whole time.
4. Ferryman.  Just some person trying to charge a fee, similar to the guy on the bridge.  (Ex. Noctis the Secret Necromancer.  She pretends to pole the boat around, but really it is propelled by four sets of skeletons legs attached to the bottom.  She charges high prices, but if you give her an intact corpse, she'll waive the fee.  Also wants people to cook her dinner (she's very lazy--that's why she's running a ferry instead of raising an army of undead to conquer the world).  Anyway, she already has an army of undead (inherited from her dad) waiting at the bottom of the river.  If she ever loses her owl amulet (such as by intentionally throwing it into the river) dozens of algae-covered skeletons will emerge in order to bring it back to here, where she can then verbally command them.)

6. Other NPC

Roll a d4.

1. Hasdrubal the Muscular Puncher is here, training his daughter, Makra, in the muscular punching arts.  They are punching holes through snapping turtles while arguing about whose turn it is to make dinner.  Despite their apparent argument, they love each other very much.  Hasdrubal wants to hire someone to defend against (NOT attack) Makra.  She wants help convincing her father to go home (those leeches were horrible).
2. Pilgrims performing a baptism.  If you are willing to undergo a baptism, you will be given a new name.  They'll also be much better disposed to you, and will happily trade gossip and minor healing.  They may try to hire you on as pilgrimage guards.
3. Fishermen.  (Ex. Menginges and his three inbred sons are here reeling in their nets.  They will try to sell you fish sandwiches.  Meninges will try to sell you his sons' services as hirelings. Each one suffers from a different problem: withered arm, retardation, kleptomania.  Aside from that, they're decent folk if treated respectfully.
4. Anti-fishermen.  These are merfolk who have thrown nets onto the land in order to grab animals and pull them into the water.  Like a basket of water-apples on a small stone, and then when you grab it nets pop out of everywhere and reel you into the river.  50% that these mermen are simple food-gatherers who have no desire for a fight, and if they catch you by accident, they will apologize profusely and offer you some deer meat by way of apology.

Two Animals

Hippo

HD 4  AC leather  Bite 2d8

Move 9  Swim 12  Int 4  Morale 8

<Thick Fat>  Hippos get +20 HP.  They take half damage from fire and ice.  They take double damage from two-handed piercing weapons (e.g. spears).

Demon Hippo (a.k.a. River Bear, a.k.a. Dire Tardigrade)

HD 6  AC chain  Bite 2d8+grab

Move 6  Swim 12  Int 2  Morale 7

<Suck Marrow>  Against a grabbed opponent, a demon hippo can suck out their marrow if the target fails a Str check.  If the demon hippo succeeds, roll a d6 to see where it sucks.  1-2 leg, 3-4 arm, 5-6 head.  If it sucks the marrow out of a limb, treat it like a broken limb.  If it sucks out your head, it has sucked a good chunk of your brain out through your eye, which is analogous to a frontal lobotomy.  You lose an eye and your int drops to 1 until you can receive major healing.  (Go find a fleshcrafter, a powerful cleric, or get a heal spell).

<Dessicate> After ten minutes without submersion in water, a demon hippo begins to dry out.  It moves at half speed, and cannot attack on two consecutive rounds.  If it cannot get back to the water, it will usually bury or hide itself.  After an hour without submersion in water, a demon hippo goes dormant.  While dormant, a demon hippo may dessicate completely, down to 20% of its previous body weight.  It can hibernate like this indefinitely.  As soon as it is resubmerged in water, it rapidly absorbs water and returns to full activity one round later.

Both of these abilities are common knowledge.  When players see a demon hippo, tell them about these abilities (in general terms).  Demon hippos are not extremely common, but they feature in a great many stories.

And yes, the Church does regard them as actual demons.  There have been literal crusades against them (during times of peace, where there was nothing better to crusade against).  They have proven remarkably difficult to eradicate, but this does explain their relative scarcity somewhat.

A Few Mermaid Spells

Gillify

Wizard 2

R: 50'   T: creature  D: 2 hr

If the target is at least half-submerged in water, they lose their ability to breathe air and gain the ability to breathe water.  If the target is not submerged in water, they just gasp and choke for a round, unable to do anything except move.  Save negates.

Sink

Wizard 1

R: 50'  T: object  D: 1 min

A floating object loses 20 pounds of buoyancy per caster level.  This doesn't affect the objects weight, it just behaves different in water (and only water).  It basically works as if they were carrying that many more pounds of weight.  (And I don't know if you've ever jumped into the pool with a 20 lb dumbbell, but swimming with an extra 20 pounds is fucking rough.  40 lbs is probably enough to sink most anyone.

Tummy Octopus

Wizard 1

R: 50'   T: creature  D: 1 min

If the target fails a save, a small, acid-resistant octopus appears inside their stomach and begins biting them.  It does 1 point of damage each round until removed.  Possible methods of nullification include drinking something toxic (brandy works), inducing vomiting, punching the crap out of your stomach, or swallowing something that eats octopi.  This spell summons 1 tiny octopi per 4 caster levels.

d100 Horses With Chris McDowall

Me and +Chris McDowall had a baby.  And then we had 99 more.  And all of those babies were horses.  And now we are putting them up for imaginary adoption, because you want some of these horses in your game, and honestly, where am I even going to keep that many horses?  Even my imaginary house isn't that big.

This is the OSR-compatible version.  Chris has put up an ItO-compatible version over on his blog.  The two versions are identical, except for where they reference system-specific rules and stuff.

1. Potentia: Mighty mahogany steed with skin like a sweaty lover. Any female horse he catches in his gaze must pass a Save or become pregnant. Riding him always causes slight arousal.
2. Master H: A red fighting horse with strong forelegs trained for punching. Only responds to requests, not orders, and insists on being called “master”. Anyone that tries to boss him around gets punched back into line.
3. Horatia “Dropkick” Horatian: A chestnut horse in a wrestling mask. Pretty well trained and moderately agile, but if you remove the mask he dies from shame.
4. Mockmare: Bits of horse strapped together and animated. Needs a Save after vigorous activity to avoid losing a bodypart. You can reattach any horse part you like though.
5. Fleschee: Big fat pale horse. Has a weird gelatinous flesh. Needs twice as much food as normal or refuses to act. Completely immune to physical harm though. Super dumb.  
6. Sweetpearl II: Spoilt pageant pony. Fears being alone, and great at making you feel guilty.
7. Quacker: Pretty fast horse wearing a wooden duck-head over his own. Doesn’t actually know how to quack. If you remove the duck-head he only goes slow and sobs quietly.  
8. Horsebox 1: Black wheeled metal box containing the remains of a horse, and “Horsebox 1” written in white paint with a skull and crossbones. Moves of its own will but always follows its owner at around the speed of a normal horse. Can also be ridden at this pace if you give very literal directions. Comes with the myth that a flaming ghost horse will arise in a time of need (it doesn’t). Always useful to have a dead horse on hand though.
9. Big Oz: The stupidest horse in history. Has a massive horse head, one eye missing, and no teeth. Smells so bad. Nobody would charge for this horse, they’ll just throw him in for free with any other.
10. Sweeper: Sleek horse trained to sniff out explosives.
11. Emerald Dream: Green-hued black horse with finely plaited mane. So beautiful that other horses hate him and won’t cooperate. If they fail a Save they’ll even be hostile.
12. White Velvet: This horse is so soft a ride that when you go back to another horse you suffer d6 damage each mile you ride for the first day. After that you get used to it.  
13. Scratch: Horse with spade-hooves, used to dig up roots in its native land. Can be made to dig but is pretty slow to make up for it.
14. Chap-Mozul: Snooty thoroughbred that absolutely refuses to get dirty. Really fast and great jumper though.  
15. Butterfly: A shabby grey horse partially dyed pink and with gaudy butterfly wings pinned to its back. Looks and acts ashamed, but resists any attempts to remove the decoration.
16. Worldsteed: Twice the size of an ordinary horse, mounted with a howdah. Really slow and actually pretty weak from bad bones. Looks tired.
17. Murmur Junior: A pony that makes whimpering noises. If you listen closely (takes at least a minute of coaxing) he actually gives quite good advice in common tongue.
18. Rok Savage: A golden steed with a flowing mane but sort of a goofy face. Adorned with fake barbarian furs and subject to many lies about his berserker rages. Is really quite placid.
19. Wruffal: A muscular brown steed that goes out of its way to antagonise any larger animals it encounters. Hates his brother Awaruff and they duel to first blood each time they meet.
20. Awaruff: A muscular brown steed that goes out of its way to stamp on any smaller animals it encounters. Hates his brother Wruffal and they will duel to first blood each time they meet, but Awaruff fights dirty.   
21. Bjors: A horse with distant bear ancestry. Can talk with bears as one of their own, and needs a little meat in his diet to stay happy.
22. White Slipper: A, exquisite, tiny white horse that can only carry children or the very small.  
23. Eric of Horse:  A peachy coloured horse that can carry out all of the functions of a well-trained squire from the olden days. He’ll sharpen weapons, help you in and out of armor, and neigh encouragement while you duel.
24. Jeremus Faltine Gratziarse: A blue-grey racehorse that only eats fine food. Will try to eat any gems or coins nearby, but if he gets a good fill of them he runs at twice the normal speed for that day.
25. Hurter: Total dick of a horse that loves to torture everyone else, but utterly loyal to his master.
26. Hamham: Pig-nosed horse that regenerates as a troll.
27. Anequin: Long faced lean-green horse. Hates all other horses, and anything that reminds him that he’s a horse. Loves the servitude of being owned, though.  
28. Ode to Forgotten Steeds: Dyed black horse, bred from stock fallen on some battlefield. Incredibly somber and depressing. Will point to anything likely to make you miserable with a solemn hoof.  
29. Icehorse: Rare breeding stock, raised in arctic conditions and high altitude to improve strength. Total badass of a white horse that will stand up to any punishment. Cries a little as it sleeps.  
30. Carltott: Big fat show-horse that knows a few disgusting dances and suggestive gestures.  
31. Ranton Spur: Mistreated horse that will never trust another master. Dull brown with lots of scars.
32. Maximum Grace: Burglary-horse that can move silently and climb brick walls.
33. Null Horse: You pay for a horse, but you don’t get a horse. There trader will say there’s a message there but it’s just a scam.  
34. Prancer Prime: Horse with some reindeer stock. Can fly if snow is falling.  
35. Karrier: Misshapen horse designed to carry heavy loads. Looks like four horses squeezed into one body, but can carry pretty much anything.
36. Oxkicker: Dark grey raid-horse trained to kick in doors with alarming power. Nothing special other than that.  
37. Venus D: Only has hind legs and runs very fast, like an emu. You have to hold on tight not to fall off, but it’s quite the sight.  
38. Loosie Lucy Lasso: A dumb brown horse with a silly cowboy hat stuck in.  
39. Yellerhed: This horse won’t shut up crying and yelling, but it’s cheap.  
40. Terrible Dennis: Really moody looking grey horse. Has clearly seen lots of action, but pretty slow in his elder years.  
41. Okler: Horse with one giant eye in the middle of his horse head. Can see for miles and will rear up at anything dangerous on the horizon.
42. Maynesteid: This tall muscular horse has had most of its skeleton replaced with metal parts, and comes with a pair of horseman-axes (d8) made from his bones. Seems really into battle and glory.
43. Fat One: Actually in really good shape, reddish-brown, but humble to the point of embarrassment. Will throw himself down in the mud so that you don’t have to dirty your boots.
44. Wickywalter: Light brown, branded with the seal of justice as a former bounty-hunter’s horse, and neighs loudly if his owner tells a lie in his presence.  
45. Redsaddle: A maroon horse formerly owned by a sea-raider. Swims really well and can hold its breath for an unnatural length of time.  
46. Hrissen: Conjoined pair of horses, connected along the flank. Two riders can ride uncomfortably close to each other.  
47. Ultratrotz: A shaky black horse that’s had metal plating (AC as chain) painfully bonded all over its body and a unicorn horn (d8) attached to its head. Has no taste for battle.
48. Effelletur: A dairy-horse that needs milking every day to avoid discomfort. Will encourage her owner to feed at her udder, which creates a telepathic bond for the rest of the day.
49. Chulepa Peek:  This self-abasing horse is covered in mud and feces.  It will not eat unless you kick it (believing itself to be unworth feeding) and will sleep in the rain instead of a warm stable (believing itself unworthy of such a luxury).
50. Golden God Farmer: This golden-haired horse is cursed.  It cannot stop running.  It will always move as fast as the fastest horse, unless it is racing away/towards another fast-moving object.  In that case, it will be slightly faster.  If it stops running, it dies.
51. No-Bath: This roan mare is also cursed.  Whenever it meets a new person it looks at them and says, “You must help me!  I’ve been transformed into a horse by an evil wizard, and cursed to only be able to speak once, after which I will forget my human past.  You must kill my owner to free me!  You are my only hope!”  (All of this is a lie, of course.)
52. Scabby Joe: Infested with lice.  Possibly their deity.  Their itchy, itchy deity.
53. Zooltharno the Gelid: This horse is ice-cold.  It moves slowly, but can levitate up or down at the rate of 1 foot per second.  When levitating, it cannot move horizontally unless it is pushed/pulled.
54. Ifrit: This is a gaseous horse.  It lives in a bottle.  When the bottle is open, it becomes a flying, purple steed.  If it ever takes any damage, or gets wet, it dies.
55. Shaggadoom the Questant: After an expedition to uncharted dimensions, this bug-eyed horse was the only survivor.  It is paralyzed, and its face is perpetually frozen in an expression of raw horror.  Anyone who falls asleep near the horse will wake up beside the horse, transported safely across as much territory a healthy horse could cover in the amount of time that they’d been asleep.
56. Griplatch the Klorohund: This greenish equoid is meant to be edible.  Each day, a reddish, pulpy fruit buds off from its face, providing an extra ration.  It doesn’t eat, but instead gains its nourishment by chewing your food (in its dead-end mouth), sucking all the flavour out, and then depositing the pulp back in your hands.  Very friendly.
57. Thorsor Greybreed: This horse is not a horse, but a demon wearing a horse’s skin.  Exceptionally fast and vicious.  Each day there is a 1-in-20 chance that the demon will be recalled to hell, leaving an empty horse skin behind.  It will return the next day and behave as if nothing strange has happened.
58. Tillamook Flenge: This is a reverse vampire horse.  It suffers from an overabundance of blood, and must be bled daily.  If it is not, it will begin to get desperate, like a cow that hasn’t been milked, and will extrude it’s glossal syringe in order to inject it’s heavily parasitized blood into the nearest mammal.
59. Hammerfaust the Invincible: This small, grey horse doesn’t look very special.  However, it is completely immune to damage, except for damage from stupid weapons.  Stupid weapons (nunchucks, a polehammer, a glaive-guisarme, a throwing chakram, etc) the attack becomes a critical hit.
60. The Horse of a Different Color: This is a fairy horse.  Every day, this horse changes into a different horse, always mundane except for this strange fact.  If you leave saddlebags on overnight, they will disappear.  5% chance that it appears with someone’s saddlebags in the morning, with something interesting inside.  (It is possible for other things to travel with the horse.  Once it was found with a corpse on its back, tied to the saddle.)
61. Double John: This horse is a horse at both ends.  Capable of running backwards as fast as forwards.  The two horse heads are known as “Eaty John” and “Shitty John”.
62. The Invisible Horse: Is truly invisible, but flatulence ruins any invisibility attempts 33% of the time.
63. Miriam Waggish: This mare is a were-human.  Every full moon she spends three days as a human.  She formerly worked as a launderer in town.
64. Stinger: Has a wooden leg with a wasp nest built into it.  The wasps automatically attack anyone who attacks Stinger, but will generally leave anyone else alone.  
65. The Metaphorical Horse: This is a book, not a horse.  It is about a metaphorical horse named Life that carries us through good times and bad times, with a clumsy, powerful gait.  Anyone who reads it aloud is able to run at the speed of a horse, but only over territory that a horse could normally run over.  They lose 1d6 Wisdom after this exertion.
66. Fiercer: This is a coal-black horse with a spiked iron collar.  Attacks as a sixth-level fighter.  Displays murderous impulses towards gnomes and things about the size of gnomes.  Is wanted for genocide, as it has exterminated two gnomish villages (over 150 gnomes have met their doom at the end of his shiny, shiny hooves.)  Is being hunted by Masdrana, the unicorn bounty-hunter, who intends to hang him.
67. Trismegistus: Shaved and tattooed with arcane symbols.  Each of his flanks contains one spell.  His back contains a fully functioning demonic summoning circle, which is capable of containing a demon, but will not prevent it from riding Trismegistus.  This horse has a terrible phobia of candles.
68. Lovely Lucy: An attractive roan mare.  She is the wife of Brogtharion, a barbarian from a tribe with a long history of very literal horse husbandry.  Brogtharion will come along (he is part of whatever deal gave you Lovely Lucy), but will not ride her nor speak to her, as they are currently having a marital dispute.
69. Gobby Nobbler: Lumpy looking horse with a dull hide.  Knees actually bend the wrong way.  Close inspection will reveal that it is actually some sort of giant insect wearing a horse’s skin.  Very affectionate and loyal.  Terrified of actual horses.
70. The Smaragdine Mare: This horse is green, and perpetually pregnant.  If fed something, will excrete a variation of it.  Milk turns into wine.  Apples turn into pears.  Potions turn into a different kind of potion.  Gems turn into other types of gems (but these require some coaxing to eat).  If she ever eats the flesh of another creature, she will birth a monstrous version of that creature (+2 HD) and die in the process.  The seller of this horse will usually add the instruction “Don’t feed her flesh.” but will not know the actual reason.
71. Mount Vlatingor: This is either a enormous man or a small giant.  Either way, he is educated, well-spoken, and completely insane.  He believes that he is a horse, and will become extremely angry if he is not treated like one.  After progressing through argumentation and threats of abandonment, he will leave.  Passengers are carried on his shoulders.
72. Motley Samson: Adorned in a jester’s motley.  Aging, grey-haired, and sway-backed.  Will perform a humorous little dance for as long as a tambourine is played (sold with the horse).  Also trained to detect the most common edible poisons.
73. Sir Tomborious: Barrel-chested Clydesdale with an enormous claymore strapped to his side..  Acts like a normal horse, albeit more loyal than most.  If he witnesses a damsel in distress, he stands up, removes his hooves (they are just painted, steel caps) to reveal his hands, draws his claymore, and wades into battle.  After the situation has been resolved, he sheathes his sword, puts his hoof caps back on, and returns to normal.
74. Svalbard: This horse turns into a small viking longboat (25 feet long) when wet.  In this form, it has a painted horse figurehead.  When it is dry, it turns back into a horse.  A splash from a puddle is insufficient to provoke the transformation, but rain will do it.
75. Madera: Whenever startled or scared, becomes as rigid as a wooden statue and falls over, unless she was standing still.  (Not actually wooden, just paralyzed, like those fainting goat videos.)  Fails all saves vs. fear.  Half-price.
76. Francifal Saint Montaigne: Makes owlbear noises.  Does not fear high places since it thinks it can fly. It cannot.
77. Joreppo La Bomba: An audible ticking can be heard from the horse at all times.  If this horse dies from an impactful death (non-poison, non-level drain) it explodes as a 5d6 fireball.  It is being sold by Joreppo Morone, an extremely nervous man who screams when startled.
78. Hammerhead: A normal-seeming horse gifted with an abnormally hard head.  Instead of stamping on enemies, it bludgeons them with its head.
79. Maggot: Exhales blue smoke.  Vibrates.  Moves jerkily.  Doesn’t need to eat.  Turns into a miniature black hole (as sphere of annihilation) upon death, a state that lasts for 1 minute.
80. Ekinna: Lays a chicken-sized egg each night.  If the egg is not destroyed, it will hatch into a horse-headed monstrosity (HD 1d4) that will seek to devour the marrow from whoever Ekinna loves the most (usually her owner).  If Ekinna doesn’t eat the slain monstrosity by each morning, she will sicken.  If she misses two of these meals consecutively, she dies.
81. Solaris: Supposedly a horse from the sun-god’s own chariot.  Golden orange coat, almost luminous.  Runs at 3x horse speed, but only in a westerly or partially-westerly direction.  Must be towed east if you want to go in that direction.  Immune to fire damage.
82. Rabban Lamadre: Very somber horse possessing a glorious mustache.  As long as its rider is honorable and motivated, Rabban will appear in their dreams to offer platitudes and advice.  When its rider dies, Rabban will appear to them, offering its body.  If the person accepts, they return the day, sharing Rabban’s body.  
83. Montresor: Staggers around as if it were drunk, falling over at least once ever hour.  Only sobers up when drunk (which only requires about 20 drinks).  When sober, is an exceptionally quick and attentive steed.
84. Bitey the Unicorn: Appears to be a unicorn with its horn sawed off, deprived of all its powers except for the ability to know the entire sexual history of anyone it looks at.  Makes for a passable horse, except it will only allow riders who are virgins.  Bites sluts remorselessly.  (A slut, in this context, is anyone who enjoys sex too much or has had sex too recently.)
85. Benisequash: An Enchanted Dwarven Pony. Under the saddle there is a keyhole.  If unlocked (by using the key provided), the entire back of the horse will open to reveal an wood-walled space, the same dimensions as a large chest.  This doesn’t seem to affect the horse’s biology.  At the bottom of the chest is the horse’s living heart, still pumping blood.
86. Iron Head: Head permanently locked inside a metal spike-helmet.  Trained to batter down doors.  Will knock down the average door after 1d6 bashes.  Will knock itself out after 1d4+2 attempts (unless the door is open by then).  Afraid of goblins.
87. Moonbeam: No legs.  Levitates.  Mechanically identical to a normal horse, except no kick or trample attacks.  Eats half as much.
88. Lucifer: This red-skinned horse smells of brimstone.  Instead of a tail, it has a long handle extending from its ass.  If this handle is grasped firmly and pulled, the horse will turn inside out and a morningstar will be pulled from the horse’s ass.  (You are basically turning the horse into a weapon.)  It is a morningstar +1 that does double damage to goblins, farmers, and clergy.
89. The King of Horses: Must be treated with the utmost deference and respect.  All other horses will bow to the King of Horses upon meeting him, and at no point will any horse act against the King of Horses, even refusing to charge against an army that fields him.  Will only allow himself to be ridden by royalty, but has a hard time figuring this out with his horsey brain.  Functionally--anyone in fancy clothes who wears a crown and smells nice will do.
90. Imbri: This coal-black horse sleeps all day, catatonically.  During the night, she can run at 10x speed overland by jumping through people’s dreams (but only over land where dreaming people are--she's mostly useless in a desert). If the rider is abandoned by Imbri while in a dream, they are stranded there.
91. Jigello: This simpering, idiotic horse has only 1 HP.  If it takes damage or suffers a sudden impact, it deflates.  It can be revived with 1 minute with a patch kit (or glue) and 10 minutes of blowing air into its mouth.  Extremely bouyant.  Loves sweets.
92. Guzza: This horse is always wet, and bits of him are always dropping off.  Can squeeze through openings as small as 1 inch in diameter.  Only eats roots, tubers, and animal skin.  Licks fingers to show affection.
93. Richelieu: This horse constantly emits a low glow, as bright as a torch.  Rapidly ages, and will die in a week unless it spends a day buried underground, which regenerates its youth.
94. Traverlane: Does not whinny, but instead sings like a bird.  If stabbed, songbirds exit the wound.  If kissed, any curses on the kisser are transferred instead to Traverlane.  All of this is disclosed by the salesman.  Currently cursed to die in a fire, and will take double damage from fire.  (This last fact is not disclosed.)
95. Milchie: Impossibly flatulent.  Makes it impossible to surprise things.  If hugged around the midsection and squeezed, will produce an stinking cloud, which causes all breathing things in 50’ to begin retching and vomiting for 1 minute.  Milchie is not immune to this effect.
96. Scamperella the Dancing Horse: Knows 55 different dances and can teach them to you, if you request them by name.  Includes the forbidden dance known as “The Black Mamba” which drives onlookers insane.  Can also be commanded to dance as it walks away, which exerts a pied piper-like effect on nearby children (or any juvenile animal).
97. Rufus Damascus: Smokes a pipe.  Trained to notice clues and solve mysteries.  If the party misses a clue, Rufus has a 5-in-6 chance to notice it, and then point it out by rolling his eyes and flicking his tail in the appropriate direction.  Each day spent riding through town gives Rufus a 1-in-6 chance of noticing a new mystery, which he will then be eager to solve, and melancholy if not allowed to.
98. Yellow Beedums: Prances like a deer.  Incredibly difficult to ride, and takes a week of practice before you stop having a bruised butt (move at half speed).  Moves twice as fast.  Only happy when sticking its head through a window and making goofy faces.
99. Sir Dashfallon: Immortal.  Grey.  Acts like an exceptionally intelligent warhorse with a peculiar love of battle.  Automatically succeeds at all saves vs fear, and gets +2 to attack and damage for the rest of the day when it does.  Whenever it or its rider kills a worthy enemy, it announces a number.  It is counting down from nine.  It never speaks at any other time.  When the count reaches zero, Sir Dashfallon announces “The circle is complete; the covenant is returned”, turns into a giant crystal shaped like a horse head, and offers to give the party a ride inside him to any location they desire (even extraplanar ones).  After discharging this obligation (if applicable), Sir Dashfallon flies into the sun.
100. The Negahorse: Horse-shaped hole in the universe, filled with stars and inky blackness.  Wears an insulated saddle to prevent frostbiter of the rider.  Immune to non-magical damage, does not tire, and is capable of running to any named location she has previously visited.  Possesses an uncontrollable urge to collide with a regular horse.  If this happens, both horses are annihilated in an explosion that does 5d6 damage (as a fireball) to all in 20’, gives a random mutation (save negates) to all in 100’, and kills all horses in a ten mile radius.  It is sold with a hood, so that you can throw it over the Negahorse’s head when it catches sight of another horse.  (This is the only method the previous owners have had success with, as the negahorse is a powerful runner and jumper.  They do not realize how dangerous an horse - antihorse collision would be.)

Signs That A Horse Is Nearby (d8)

1. Finding horse shoes in your food.
2. One of your hirelings has been trampled to death and none of the other hirelings are that heavy.
3. Giving birth to baby centaurs.
4. A sudden impression of muskiness and straps.
5. Horse teeth embedded in trees.
6. You suddenly feel self-conscious about your inability to run 10 miles while carrying a person on your back.
7. You are suddenly riding a horse when you could have sworn you were on foot just a minute ago.
8. There is horse shit on you.