The Cult of Flesh (and the Three Great Gifts)

The Third Age 

In the Beginning was the Authority, and his house was the Throne. In the First Age he created the stars, but their songs disappointed him. In the Second Age he created the Holy Mounds, but they also were found to be lacking.

In the Third Age, he created Man.  And Man was given eyes, so that he could see the Authority, whose light pierced through all things.  All other things were not visible. 

And Man was given a voice, so that he could praise the Authority, his sole purpose.  No other words were possible, or even conceivable.

And the Authority was pleased.

The Fourth Age

In the Fourth Age, the Three Great Gifts were given to the race of men.

The first gift was the Gift of Light, so that they could see all lesser things.  The Authority was always visible and bright, but now he created Light, which illuminated the lesser things–the mountains and valleys and the other First Men. 

He took from them their eyes--the eyes of the Third Age. In their place, they were given the Eyes of the Fourth Age.  And the First Men looked around and saw that the world was beautiful, and they gave new praise to the Authority.

The second gift was the Gift of the Word.  The Authority had always spoken to them, but now the words were given to them.  Their minds were open, and they could speak of lesser things, not just of the Authority’s grace and majesty. 

They spoke of new things, food and animals, and gave these things names.  And from these Words came new poetry and praise for the Authority, and He was pleased.

And the third gift was the Gift of New Life.  The First Men were unchanging and undying.  The world had become stagnant, and their praise unchanging.  They had been allowed to create sons, but there was no place for them in the world.  The sons would always be servants, never allowed to grow or to inherit.  And so the third gift was mortality.  The First Men would live long lives, but they would grow old and die eventually. They would pass from this world and into the next, where they would sit beside the Authority, and dwell in his House.

And as the First Men realized that they would someday die, they began to love the world more the world more. Sunsets became more beautiful because they were temporary. Loves became deeper because they were fleeting. Gone was the cynicism of a timeless world. And the First Men found that Life was more beautiful to their new mortal eyes, and they gave praise to the Authority for His wisdom.

Their sons would inherit, and eventually go on to rule.  They would have their chance to become their own masters.  They were no longer condemned to be eternally subordinate.  And women were created, to ease the process of creation.  And as the sons grew and inherited, they gave new praise to the Authority, as was deserved.

Thus with wisdom was justice met.

The Cult of Flesh

Eons passed.

In the city of Sennerva, there arose a great blasphemy.

The third “gift” was no gift of all.  The “Gift of New Life”?  It was Death, and to call it by any other name demonstrated nothing but slavish blindness.

It was Death, and it was Sickness and Decay and Old Age.  All of the things that had been “gifted” to the race of man in the fourth age.

And so the city of Sennerva went about the process of curing all of these things.  Sickness was cured.  Old age was seiged.  And in the end, even death was conquered.

Marmoth later spoke of the process.

The only surprising thing about Immortality, he said, was easily it was achieved.

It was as if some vast conspiracy worked tirelessly to keep it from us.

The natural state of man, he said, was not mortal and sickly and failing.  We were meant to be strong, tireless, and immortal.  

These were shackles that had been placed on us by an Authority that feared us.  (The vaults of Heaven had already been breached once.  The Authority was wise to fear what He had created.)

Marmoth had achieved his goals.  He was strong, tireless, and immortal.  And then the city of Sennirva began to sell these things, or to gift them to their allies.

And it was that the Fourth Emperor of Man led his armies to Sennirva.  The towers were toppled, and the city was cast into the earth.  Its cursed corpse now lies beneath the Ratskin Gap.  The people that could die were put to the sword.  The people that could not die were neutralized in other ways.

And in the passing of long years, the Fourth Emperor of Mankind did pass from life, believing the whole time that he had extinguished the cult beyond memory.  He was wrong of course.

There are many other parts to this story, but I do not have time to tell them.

I do not have time to tell you of the Mountain of Blood, nor the Mountain of Flesh.

I do not have time to tell you of the creation of the dopplegangers.

I do not have time to tell of how the god Elcor was killed and was reborn, or where the 16 women simultaneously gave birth to Elcoroth.

But the Cult of Flesh exists still, and the heart of it is Elcoroth, the Infinite Pillar of Flesh.

Elcoroth

Those who are unfamiliar will often assume that the Cult worships Elcoroth, but this is not the case.  The cult gave flesh to a slain god–they were able to craft him as they wished.  And so it is that Elcoroth worships them.  Its ten thousand eyes gaze at the cultists with love, and its three thousand mouths gratefully licks up their spilled blood.

Elcoroth is stronger than you, a twisted spiral of blended flesh that arcs across the sky like a rainbow.  And Elcoroth is more intelligent.  It has many brains–perhaps all of the brains of those that it has ever devoured.  And Elcoroth is more loving than you, because it was born pure, from the blood of those who had mastered their craft long ago.

The love of Elcoroth extends to all of those who accept his teachings and who drink his blood.  They are bound to each other, then.  

It is not clear if the Cult has centralized leadership, or if Elcoroth is merely the common link between several separate cells.

It has also been said that one of the First Men was involved in the creation of Elcoroth, pining for his lost immortality, but it is hard to believe that.  Still, if true, such an individual would possess all the powers of mankind in the third age, and would be central in the innermost circles of the Cult.

Healing

Zala Vacha is a (very loose) collection of all of the evil organizations antithetical to the Church.

Within Zala Vacha, the Fleshcult is the most well-known, most respected, and (debatably) the most powerful.  This is all because they are the richest.

The cult sells healing and youth, and there are no better healers in the world.  

The Church may be better at healing diseases (as each disease is, in fact, a type of demon) since it lays closer to their specialty, but when it comes to healing injuries, disabilities, and missing limbs, the Fleshcult cannot be beat.

They also do cosmetic improvements.  They can cure old age.  According to them, immortality is only of a middling difficulty, among the various services they offer.

And for these services, they charge a fortune.

They cannot cure death, although they can shape newly dead flesh into something new.  (And in fact, they do this thing often.)  They can create beauty, as well as monstrosity.  Their power is in their blood.

Legitimacy

For a long time, the Cult of Flesh and its Biomancers struggled mightily against the Church.  Like all of Zala Vacha, they searched for a way to overthrow the Church, and free mankind from its shackles.

But now, such a thought is widely considered impossible.  If a century of effort couldn’t do it, why would future attempts be any different.  Even Shadoom couldn’t achieve it, a man who was more powerful than most of the things we call gods.

And so most of the machinations of the Fleshcult are now bent towards diplomacy.  They need allies.  They need good public relations.  They need patrons and sponsors among the aristocracy.  They need a respected member of the Church to become their advocate.

This last desire is one that will probably never happen.

The Cult of Flesh is heretic.  Immortality is a sin–it mocks the Authority’s rightful judgment of the soul.  Seeking immortality is sinful.  So is tolerating immortality.

This new approach has already created tension within the Cult.  If the followers of Elcoroth achieve the legitimacy that they desire, what exactly will happen to Kormok, the God Butcher, and the Eater of Elephants?  They made themselves into weapons against the Authority.  They are utter monsters, no matter what bit of poetic drivel the Eater likes to whisper to his elephants before he swallows them whole.

The New Cult is opposed by those monsters, and monsters like Grandfather Oshregaal, who still seek the old goals.

But Elcoroth loves them all.

Spells

Regenerate Missing Body Part, Cosmetic Transformations, Eternal Youth, Immortality

These are all services that can be cast on allies of the Cult of Flesh.  Eternal Youth and Immortality are only available to full members, whoever, who have sworn the Vows and eaten the Blood.

Elcoroth’s Trick

R: 50’  T: creature  D: [sum] rounds

Pick a body part.  You control the target’s.  The target controls yours.  Targets take 1 round to figure out what has happened (or 2 rounds if they fail an Int check).

Elcoroth’s Harmony

R: touch  T: creature  D: special

A willing creature of the same species as you fuses into your body.  Your mass increases by ~10% of theirs.  You are now a combined creature.  Use the best of both ability scores and HP.  The combined creature cannot take more physical actions per turn (although you can take two mental actions per turn, since there are two minds in the brain).  You must act in harmony.  If there is a disagreement about what to do, one mind can assert dominance with an opposed Cha check.  If someone wants to exit the fused body, they can attempt it 1/day with an opposed Cha check.  If you attempt to add more than 2 creatures into a single fusion, the one with the lowest Charisma must make an Easy Charisma check or “dissolve” into the other personalities, essentially dying but with fragments of their memory and personality assimilated into the others.  The duration of this spell varies based on MD invested.  1 MD = 30 seconds.  2 MD = 10 minutes.  3 MD = 1 day.  4 MD = permanent.

Monstrose

R: 50’  T: creature  D: [s] ends

Target creature becomes a monstrous version of itself.  Its level increases to at least [dice] and its maximum HP to [sum], unless those numbers are already higher.  It gains a natural attack based on how many its level are spent.  1 MD = 1d6.  2 MD = 1d8.  3 MD = 1d10.  4 MD = 1d12.  It loses its previous biologic abilities (unless the DM wants to keep them), but gains new abilities based on this chart:

At least Lvl 2: 1 ability

At least Lvl 4: 2 abilities

At least Lvl 6: 3 abilities

Potential random abilities: regeneration 1, breath attack (random: fire/acid/lightning), flight, compressible body, second head (and a second natural attack).  However, if the creature already has an iconic ability, the first ability it gains should be a reflavored version of the same ability, per the DM’s discretion.  (For example, a dragon would lose its fire breath but gain fire blood, bursting out in a cone whenever it takes physical damage.)

The monster is only able to take violent actions, although it retains an animal-level version of its memories and objectives.  After 10 minutes, the creature must make an Int save.  If they fail, they lose themselves, forgetting their prior memories and becoming a true monster.  If they succeed, they retain their memories and objectives, although they remain at animal level intelligence and become an NPC (if they were PC prior).  If they caster succeeds on a Fleshcraft check while they cast this spell, they can make the Int Save Easy or Hard (their choice).

Give Life

R: touch  T: object  D: permanent

Target object comes to life, gaining both flesh and blood.  1 MD is enough for a teapot, 4 MD is enough for a wagon.  If you fail a Fleshcrafting check, things tend to gain bodyplans similar to either snakes or starfish.  For example, you might make an extremely detailed clay horse and then bring it to life, but it will still move like a starfish, eating and excreting from its basal mouth/anus.

Note that humanoid corpses brought back in this “failed starfish” fashion are called slithermen by the Cult.  Humanoid corpses successfully brought back as humans (essentially a whole new person with no memory) are known as triumphs.  They are appreciated within the cult, but many suffer from defects.

Monsters

Slitherman

Lvl 3  Def leather  “Tentacle” 1d4 + Grapple

Move slow  Str ogre  Int starfish  Dis hungry

Bite - Grappled opponents are automatically bitten each subsequent turn for 1d10 damage.

Stench - The first time each day that a slitherman is injured, it releases a stink cloud.  All within 30’ must make a Con save or take 2d6 nausea (non-lethal) damage.  (Instead of killing you, this damage makes you unable to take any actions besides vomiting.  Lasts until you exit the stench cloud and make a Con check, attemptable 1/round.)

Memories - Captured slithermen can be “interrogated” by subjecting them to things that may remind them of their previous life.  Phrases, objects, locations.  At this point, they may say things related to their past life–typically things that they would normally think but now say out loud: secrets and outrageous opinions.

Elder Doppleganger

Lvl 5  Def leather  Natural Attacks 1d12 or special

Move fast Str ogre  Int human Dis varies

Doppleganger - All the basic powers of a doppleganger.

Monstrose - At the beginning of each of its turns, it selects two creatures it can see. It can make attacks identical to their attacks, including weapons and unused weapons (so if you have a bow in your backback, it can attack you with the same bonuses and damage as if you were attacking it with the bow). At the end of each of its turns, it selects two damage types (e.g. slashing, fire, etc) to be immune to for 1 turn. At the end of its turns, it also selects one ability from the following list: +4 defense, flight (as vulture), regeneration 1.

PLANTS: Monsters, Spells, Items

So I'm writing a plant-themed dungeon.

I've never written something so strongly-themed before.  It just seems cheesy.  Lava dungeon with fire monsters.  Snowy mountain with ice monsters and slippery floors.

I'm having more fun with it than I thought I would.  There's plenty of diversity in plants.

What is This Post?

I'm going to try to invent some content for my forest dungeon.  I'm going to do that by identifying plant themes and then expanding them.

Godzilla vs Biollante

Theme: Growth

Okay, this one is a little stupid.  When you see plant magic in video games and fiction, it's always about growth.  Bellsprout used growth, etc.  The fact is that everything grows.  And I'd argue that a baby whale's growth (gaining 200 lbs every day) is way more impressive than any feats of growth that plants do.

It's anthropocentric.  We can think of all sorts of things that whale's do, but when it comes to plants, we're stumped.  What do plants do?  I guess they just. . . grow.

I don't want to discard Growth, because its so universal though.  Maybe we can make it interesting?

Monster: Evil Tree
HD 10  AC chain  Int 10
Drop Seeds -- An evil tree has 2d6 evil seeds growing from it.  As a standard action, it can drop as many or as few as it wants.  Dropped seeds immediately begin gaining HD (see below).  They can grow 1d4 seeds per day.  It is possible to attack seeds on the tree (HD 0, HP 1), but only with a ranged weapon.

Wants: General evil stuff.  Blood.  Sacrifices.  Cults.  The "performance" of evil.

Evil trees have no attacks besides their seeds.  They are reluctant to drop all of them at once, because they would be defenseless once all of the seeds die.  They are smart enough to use this ability intelligently.

They are capable of speech.  Horrible, groaning speech.

Monster: Evil Seed
HD 0/1/2/3/4  AC chain  Claw 0/d4/d6/d8/d10
Move as human  Int 6
Impossible Growth -- At the beginning of each round, an evil seed gains 1 HD (HP increases as well) and increasing their damage by 1 die size (starting with 1d4), up to a max of 4 HD and 1d10 damage.  If an evil seed reaches HD 4, it gains the ability to shoot a laser from its eye (1d10, 50' range).  They die after they've been alive for 1 hour.

The seeds begin growing immediately into horrible little plant creatures, with shriveled bark, mouthless faces, cyclopean eyes, tentacular hair, and bony claws.

Item/Spell: Oak Elixir
If administered to plant, it immediately grows to be a large adult specimen of the appropriate type (as if 50 years had passed).  If consumed by an animal, immediately grows to be a large adult (1d4 inches taller than average, for a human).

Item/Spell: Acorn Elixir
The opposite of an Oak Elixir. It turns plants into seeds and adult animals into adorable juveniles.
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Item/Spell: Potion of Monstrosity
Pour on a plant or object.  That plant or object is now a monster of HD 1d6 that is ready to rampage.  If someone drinks it, they get all monstrous and rage.

Theme: Immobility

Sure, I guess I can't argue with that one. Plants don't move much.

How do we make it interesting in combat?  Gus mentioned a reskinned roper: that's a good one.  A tree that constantly throws lassos (or nooses) and tries to drag people into its toothy maw.

Or we could give it ranged attacks.  Darts, spines, or perhaps EXPLODING FRUIT.

Seriously, bombfruit tree.  Great idea.  Especially if combined with

Monster: Dendroid

This is just a tree with a skinny version of mind-flayer powers.  Telepathy, mind blast, illusion, dominate person.  When it gets damaged, it pulls itself into the ground.  To fully kill it, you have to dig it out.

All of these things are possible because its actually a sessile species of octopus, not a tree.  (Octopi are capable of other feats of amazing mimicry, so this seems entirely plausible to me.)

Item: Arboreal Helm
At will, you can turn into a tree, quadrupling your height but not allowing you to break through ceilings (your branches grow to the side instead).  As a tree, you heal 1 HP per hour in sunlight.

Item: Oaken Sword
A creature stabbed with this magic sword must make a save vs magic.  If they fail, they are immediately turned into a small oak tree.  (Yes, this effectively makes the sword a single use item.)

Inverted Theme: Hypermobile Plants

Zelda's peahats are a good example.  Let's invert it as hard as we can.

Monster: Astronomer Pines

These are ancient pine trees.  When you piss one off, it blasts off like a rocket ship.  Fire shoots from the tip of each of its roots.  It looks messily efficient, with every root tip twisting independently-but-nearly mindlessly.

It can fire lasers straight down, and only straight down.  The lasers come from the central tap root.

Alternatively, it can cast levitate offensively, in order to pull you up to its roots, where it can grab you and crush you.

Monster: Tumblesnatchers
HD 2  AC leather  Snatch 0+grab
Move 12  Int 4

These are monstrous tumbleweeds.  They appear in groups of 1d4+2.  Each tumbleweed attempts to trap someone inside itself.  Once it has a prisoner, the tumblesnatcher immediately heads off in a random direction, exposing the poor prisoner to whatever perils await in that (potentially unexplored) room.  If allowed, they just keep rolling around.

<Design Note>This is a good example of a monster integrating into the dungeoncrawl.  Party cohesion is a very important thing for surviving a dungeon.  Having a monster that attacks that is rare, but potentially effective.  A more extreme example would be a trap/monster that teleports you to a different part of the dungeon.</Design Note>

Theme: Poison

This is potentially a very broad theme.  You've got the pokemon trio of effects (HP poison, paralysis, sleep) plus hallucinations and a bunch of boring debuffs.

HP poison should be horrible (given that it has more chances to be stopped, compared to regular HP damage).  For very poisonous creatures (save or die), the deadly poison should be telegraphed beforehand.  (Similar to how players should never be surprised when they get level drained.)

Nightshade Boy
HD 1  AC leather  Touch 0+poison (1d6)
Elites -- Nightshade boys with maximum HP carry a fruit, which functions as an antidote to their poison.

Glass cannons.  They can potentially do 3d6 damage  on a hit (if the Con check is also failed).  That alone, should give the players pause.  They're a bit like spiders in that regard (lil guys with horrible poisons).

Nightshade boys are also intelligent enough to spread their attacks around, in order to poison the greatest number of people possible.

Poppy Boy

Like a nightshade boy, except their touch does 1d6+sleep.

Glory Boy

Big blue flowers.  Cause hallucinations even before they walk into the room.

Hemlock Boys

Hemlock causes ascending paralysis before death.  It's pretty cool.  Instead of damaging HP, they just paralyze your legs, then your arms, then your heart.  You have to find the antidote before you die.  Fun!

Could be a part of a puzzle, or a dungeon-specific challenge.

Poison Tree

Everyone in this room of takes 1 HP damage per round until the tree is dead.  A very videogamey mechanic, but still a fun one, I think.  Must be paired with other things in the room that are trying to kill you (in order to give players an interesting choice).

I wouldn't try to disguise the fact that the tree is causing the deadly room effect.  That seems too much like pixel bitching.

Theme: Fire Vulnerability

This is pretty anthropocentric.  We think of things that plants do and we're like "I guess you can use them as firewood, too" even though trees are way less vulnerable to fire than humans are.  I'd like to see a human survive a forest fire.

If you wanted to gameify it, you could just say that all plants take half damage from bludgeoning and double +50% damage from fire.  That seems mechanically satisfying, I guess.

Treants could make morale checks when confronted with large amounts of fire (more than just a few torches).

Inverted Theme: Fire Power

Monster: Dragon Tree

Stats as dragon, except immobile.  Looks cool as fuck.  Arrows combust before they strike it, and slingstones can't hurt it.  More of a puzzle than a monster.  How to get past it is one puzzle.  How to kill it is another.

Theme: Fruit

This one also seems pretty anthropocentric, but alright.

Well, I already mentioned bombfruit, didn't I?

Tumble melons were one of my first blog posts ever.

Item: Dancing Mango

Look sorta like a starfish.  When it falls off the tree (or is plucked) it starts dancing.  If you eat it, you start dancing (and cannot stop until you collapse of exhaustion).  Everyone who you start dancing with is affected by the same thing (as irresistible dance) except you are the only "contagious" one.

Item: Potion Fruit

Fruits make great replacement potions.  That's what you get when the wizard waters a strawberry plant with displacer beast droppings and wizard jism.

Theme: Parasitic Plants

Monster: Slavedriver Orchid

This is an orchid that grows on your head and it drives you like a chariot.  It yells (squeaks?) and pulls on your ears to direct you where to go.

Theme: Sun Power

This one's a little bit silly, because sunlight isn't as energy dense as we depict it in fiction.  Superman would get more energy by eating a hamburger than he would by laying in the sun all day.

But like Growth and Fire Weakness, Sun Power is difficult to shake.

Item: Black Phantom Bushes

So there is a huge arms race among plants for sunlight.  Trees win it by being taller than their neighbors, and by spreading their arms wider.  Vines win it by climbing trees.  Smaller plants win it by requiring less sunlight altogether.

The black phantom bush has solved this problem by making things invisible.  You see, if its neighboring trees are invisible, then sunlight goes right through them, allowing the black phantom bush to bask in all of the sunlight that is wishes.

They are sometimes surrounded by invisible trees, or by invisible logs (from invisible trees that died due to lack of sunlight).

If you kick a black phantom bush, you will piss it off, and it will turn you invisible.  This also causes you to go blind (because how would you see, if light is going straight through your eyeballs

Theme: Mimicry

Item: The Orchid Wife

It's an enormous skin-colored orchid.  It changes colors to match the skin tones of its prey.

From a distance, it looks like a woman, opening her arms invitingly.  Players will feel compelled to embrace her.  This is not like a suggestion spell, just. . . it seems like the thing to do.

Anyone who embraces the orchid will lose 1d6 Con as the lotus drinks their blood through their skin.  During this feeding, the orchid will fill their head with peaceful dreams and botanical wisdom, causing them to gain 10 XP for every point of Con lost.

As they pull away from the orchid, it will seem to carefully dab the blood from their skin, similar to a human grooming another.  This is just the flower collecting the last of the blood.

Once a player has gained 100 XP from the orchid, they will be compelled (magically, forcefully this time) to protect the orchid.  They will consider it to be their orchid, and will not want to share it.  They will probably want to marry it.  At this point, they can choose to feed or not feed the orchid whenever they wish (it can survive without blood).  They can still gain XP from the orchid once per session.

They'll probably put it next to a window, in their house.  If they don't have a house, the orchid will motivate them to settle down and get one.  You want to protect your orchid, right?  You don't want to take your precious orchid dungeoneering with you, right?

Most "spouses" talk to their orchids while feeding them.  Pillow-talk, really.  The strange wisdom imparted by the orchid sometimes allows the feeder to come to useful, common-sense conclusions.  (DM: Feel free to insert any information here that you think the party should have got, but missed.  Example: The shopkeeper is obviously a vampire.)

Honorable Mention: Little Petshop of Horrors

I guess Audrey II would make a good villain, but she's make a much better ally.  Especially if the players find her when she's all small and cute.

Wizard: Botanimancer 

You can make a botanimancer pretty easily by just pulling ideas from the themes above.

Restrictions

You cannot cast spells unless sunlight (or reasonable facsimile) has shone on you in the last 24 hours.

Perks

If you ever lose a limb, you can grow a new botanical one in 2 weeks.  Additionally, if you have speak with plants as one of your memorized spells, you can cast a 1 MP version of it for free.

Spell List

1. Entangle
2. Growth (as enlarge, except only on living things, long duration on plants)
3. Light
4. Tree Form*
5. Speak with Plant
6. Warp Wood
7. Awaken Treant
8. Hallucinate (or Confusion)
9. Heal
10. Poison Touch
11. Dessicate (AoE similar to fireball, efficacy varies by target type)
12. Wall of Wood
13. Legendary Spell: Seed* 
14. Legendary Spell: Treant Form

Seed
R: touch  T: object  D: permanent
An object gets turned into a seed.  It turns back into the original object only when submerged in a body of water sufficiently large enough to reconstitute the item with water mass.  You can use this spell offensively, but it has no effect on targets with HP greater than [sum] * 3.  The size of the object is also limited by the casting dice invested.

1 MP = handheld object
2 MP = human or chair
3 MP = giant or cottage.
4 MP = dragon or ship.  Alternatively, immaterial things such as happiness.

Tree Form
R: touch  T: creature  D: permanent
Primarily used to turn yourself into a tree.  You can still see and hear.  If you are in a suitable climate, you do not need to eat or drink.  You can remain as a tree for as long as you like (until you choose to dispel it).  You can use this spell offensively, but it has no effect on targets with HP greater than [sum] * 3.  They will remain a tree until you choose to dispel it.  You choose the species.

Yes, this allows you to turn the boss into a tree, and then make him into a nice chair.  It would look great in your house, beside your orchid wife.

Note on Save or Die Spells

I'm considering having all of them have the clause "no effect on targets with HP greater than [sum] * 3."  Or perhaps just including a keyword.

P.S.

More plant monsters here.

The Cancermancers of Hungry Joe

I DM'ed more of the hellcrawl today, and I thought I'd flesh out Joetown a bit more.

Hungry Joe is the giant floating meat-man the size of a small mountain.

Joetown is the collection of hanging ships and trays beneath him, as well as the mucoid monasteries built atop him.

And Black Bottle is one of the neighborhoods.  It gets its names from the transparent black buboes near Joe's armpit, from which the wizards look out.  Black Bottle is unique--it in the only neighborhood that is inside of Hungry Joe.

by muk1

The Wizards of Black Bottle

They're actually cancermancers.  They tend to the functional side of Hungry Joe.  They're responsible for weaponizing his biology.  They create flesh grafts, harvest useful chemicals from the Joeflesh, and most importantly--create the Little Joes that compose the bulk of Joetown's Navy (the deterrent that keeps the paladins from sacking this little pustule of a town).

I've listed their spells (in the order that they would cast them if attacked), their laboratory, what they sell, and what they want.  New spells are listed at the end, in Appendix A.

Seskerset - space hooks, reverse gravity, wandering eye, neoplasma

He's a narrow man with telescopes for eyes.  He doesn't speak from his mouth, but instead a disembodied voice echoes out of his chest sometimes.  He is frantic, gruff, and is constantly forgetting things and then remembering them.  He can be taken advantage of, but only for about 10 seconds before he remembers.

He's also a modular man.  His head can sprout spider legs and wander away.  His torso can sprout wings and fly.  And his legs are fully capable of stalking around and kicking things.

You can probably guess his combat strategy: space hooks followed by reverse gravity to shred the people who were hoping to remain immobile.

His laboratory is guarded by a pair of flesh cubes.  His laboratory has a spiked ceiling.

Flesh Cube
HD 4  HP 8d8  AC none  Atk none
Move 12  Int 10  Mor 7

Since they're 7' tall cubes of flesh, they can't do much except slide around.  They build up a lot of momentum, though, and if they trample you (Dex check to avoid) you'll take 1d12 damage and be knocked prone.  If you have your back against a wall, you take double damage on a failed save and normal damage on a successful one.

Flesh Cubes are energetic servants that tend to over-focus on a single task.  They're naive but not unreasonable.  They shout "Cube!" before every sentence.  Sometimes they substitute the word 'cube' in the place of other nouns for no reason.  It's complicated.

He also manages the liquid zoo.  Troll arms swimminig around in tubes of blue liquid.  A swarm of bats, rendered down and stored as a chest full of 230 tiny ampules of black liquid.  There's a sealed urn filled with brown liquid catoblepas.  Breaking any of these things will cause them to coalesce back into the original animal, but without Seskerset's guidance, they'll slough apart in 1d6+1 rounds.

Goals
He wants to make a monster that is powerful enough to wipe out the paladins of Hell.  He will pay top dollar for monster parts.  He'll even shell out a bit of cash for rumors of monsters.  He'll also sell rumors of monsters (with the hopes that you'll bring him back the choice bits).  He knows where the Brinegod lays its eggs, and where Morfean (the dragon demon) sleeps.

With regards to the Little Joes, he's in charge of sales.  If you want to buy a Little Joe (a fleshcrafted submarine), he's the man to talk to.

For Sale
Venom Gland 500gp
Antivenom Gland 500gp
Grabby Tongue 500gp
Transbilicus 1000gp

Venom Gland - Your lymph nodes are taken out; you get -2 to save vs disease.  In their place, you get venom glands.  Your bite is venomous (3d6 damage on a failed Con check, 1d6 damage on a successful one) but since you're still biting with your tiny human mouth, you get -2 to attack with your bite.

Antivenom Gland - You get -2 to save vs disease, and +4 to save vs poison.  If you bite a poisonous creature (-2 to the attack roll), they take 3d8 damage on a failed Con check, 1d8 damage on a successful one.

Grabby Tongue - You talk with a lisp.  Your tongue can shoot out and grab things and pull them back into your mouth (Str 6).  You cannot grab anything larger than a sword, and your grabby tongue can't do anything except pull things into your mouth.  I guess you also spit things pretty far.

Transbilicus - If attached to two creature's belly buttons, the two creatures will switch minds.  This is a trivial surgery, but it is impossible to perform on an unwilling, unrestrained creature.  Unwilling creatures get a Cha save to resist.

Mormoi - hand of the hound, handspasm, gust of wind, neoplasma

She weighs 600 lbs and is carried by a living platform made from an enormous crab.  HD 4  AC leather  2xClaws 1d6+hold.  Held opponents are automatically damaged on subsequent turns, and their metal armor is damaged by 1d3 points.

In combat, she uses handspasm + gust of wind to disarm everyone, then blow all their weapons out the door while knocking them prone.

You must climb through a series of greasy bubbles to reach her laboratory.  She is accompanied by 2d6 servitors.  She doesn't have much furniture in her laboratory.  Except for a long workbench, everything is a servitor.  There's chair servitors to sit on.  Carafe servitors that will pour iced tea out of their faces.  Et cetera.

If combat breaks out, the crab will stand up to its (shocking) full height of 10', bringing Mormoi out of melee range.

She is currently manufacturing gas bombs for use against the giant parasites infesting Hungry Joe.  She's made three of them, and has supplies for 3 more.  Once the parasite problem has been dealt with, she'll return to her normal job of procuring shipyard wives for Hungry Joe, and helping Massantus with their installation.

Goals

She wants someone to bring her Seskerset, so that she can humiliate him, plant a bomb inside him, extract a tooth, and then control him.  (She needs his vote to override the other cancermancers.  She wants to unmoor Joe from the rocks below and float him somewhere safer.  This is not a terrible idea, but it will be the death of Joetown below.)

For Sale
Gas Bomb 300gp
Macrospike 300gp
Pomegranate Bomb 500gp
Bomb Implant 500gp

Gas Bomb - Explodes on impact.  Poison 1d4 on a save, 3d4 across 3 rounds on a failed save.  30' diameter cloud is as dense as normal fog.  Double damage to insects.

Macrospike - This looks like a short rod of bone, about nine inches long.  Both ends end in a sharp spike, like a tooth.  A red string is tied around its middle.  If the red string is removed, the macrospike suddenly extends to it's full length of 10' permanently, where it basically functions as a 10' pole.  If the macrospike is deployed as a weapon, it deals 1d10 damage on a thrust, or 2d10 if there is a wall behind you for the macrospike to push against.  It pushes as if it had Str 20.

Pomegranate Bomb - Not really a pomegranate.  3d6 damage, 20' radius.  Explodes on impact.  (50% chance of detonating when carrier takes fall damage, unless wrapped in bulky wrappings.)

Bomb Implant - Made from the skull of an infant stuffed with burnt scripture.  Placed inside a restrained creature.  3d6 damage to everything in 20'.  Detonated by crushing one of the restrained creature's teeth. (The simplest method is simply to pop it in your mouth and crush it between your molars; the process makes it softer than you'd think.)

Massantus - shrivel, monstrify, corpulate, fuse flesh, neoplasma

Has a glass sphere implanted in her belly, where she has imprisoned her last four pregnancies.  It's basically a fish tank where a quartet of children look out.  They have the size and proportion of fetuses, but it's obvious that they are much older.  Their faces look older, for starters.  They have hair and teeth.

The four children in her belly can, together, cast a single spell each turn as if they were a single wizard.  Their spells: chaos chain, magic missile, sleep.  Her belly has AC chain, HP 4.  If shattered, the four fetus-teenagers spill out and spend the next five minutes painfully dying.  (They will only live if put inside someone where they can connect to their circulatory system.  They could survive in Joe, but Joe's immune system might kill them.)

If combat breaks out, she'll turn some of her fleas into giant fleas, shrivel whoever is pissing her off the most, and then corpulates herself into a huge pile of hard-to-kill beef while her minions finish the party off.

She's in charge of managing the shipyard brides.

Each shipyard bride was once a woman who was married with Hungry Joe and fused with him.  (Similar to how anglerfish do it, except that it's the females who fuse with the male.)  Each of Joe's wives then becomes an organ inside him.  And while Joe is a floating corpus the size of a mountain, each of his wives is large enough to grow a whale inside, which is exactly what they do.

Each bride is about 99% womb.  A lot of that is just the vascularization required to feed the growing ship-fetuses.  In a way, it's almost like uterine russian nesting dolls.  The bride grows inside Joe using a placenta, and inside the bride is another placenta that holds the little Joe.

Tending the brides is a full time job.  It involves a lot of dive suits, long swims through the bride's uterus, and the many poisons required to keep joes rampant biology from reabsorbing his wife and child.  (Joe's body can generously be described as an overgrown garden.)

In a leaden chest, inside her bedworm's stomach, is the liver of the 13th Satan.  (This is the start of a long quest chain.  Putting the liver inside your body will let you regen 1 HP per turn and let you sense the location of the other pieces of the sundered Satan.  It's basically the rod of seven parts plus the hand of Vecna, except you assemble them by replacing all of your body parts and at the end you've basically turned into a balor and there is no scrap of the original character anymore, since the 13th Satan has paved over them entirely.)  Removing the liver from the leaden chest means that it can now be sensed by the other people searching for it (i.e. the other folks with Satan-parts inside them).

Goals
All she wants to do is her job.  Grow the Little Joes, sell the Little Joes, and profit.

She'll give you Joe-related quests, such as:

• One of her customer's is rumored to be abusing their Little Joe.  Go interview the flesh-submarine and find out if its true.  If it is, capture the Little Joe and bring it back here.  Caveat emptor.
• One of the shipyard brides is (understandably) depressed about her lot in life.  Find a way to cheer her up.  Will probably require you to ask her family what her hobbies were before she became a faceless organ inside a flying mountain of flesh.
• Sell a Little Joe to the King of Worms.  He's rich, and he definitely needs ships to finance his fight against The Sucking Hole.

For Sale
Gun Dog 300gp
Dog Gun 500gp
Scrapling 300gp
Servitor 500gp

Gun Dog - A dog with a cluster of cannons in place of its head.  Fires teeth.  HD 1.  AC leather.  Tooth-bullet 1d10.  Whenever the gun dog fires its head, it explodes on a fumble or near fumble (a 1 or a 2).  Exploding gun dogs deal 1d6 damage to everything in 10' (save for half).

Dog Gun - A weapon made from a dog.  Can limp around at 25% of human speed.  Has a magazine size of four.  Must eat a ration each day.  Regenerates 2 tooth-bullets each day.  Each tooth bullet does 1d12 damage.  Otherwise works like a crossbow.

Scrapling - A stylistic pile of flesh, animated by crude, but energetic, magics.  Whorls of teeth, carefully coiffed spirals of (useless) splayed muscle.  HD 1  AC leather  Flailing 1d6  Move 12  Int 4  Morale 8.  Scraplings will fight to protect you but will take no other action (except perhaps stealing food out of your bags when they're hungry).  Scraplings will stop whatever they're doing in order to craft a corpse into more scraplings.  Human corpses make 1 scrapling; horse corpses make 4 scraplings.  Scraplings hoard crafting materials (cloth, carpentry shit) in order to make the next batch of scraplings.  Whenever your scraplings make more scraplings, they have a X% chance to go feral, where X is equal to the new number of scraplings.  Feral scraplings have an equal chance of running away (50%) or attacking everyone indiscriminately (50%).  Scraplings like to break things, steal things, and draw on things.  If you cannot control your scraplings, you will not be welcome in town.

Servitor - This is basically a baby head fused onto the body of an enormous crab.  They're basically permanent, loyal hirelings, except that they're (a) ultimately loyal to the cancermancers, and (b) if they ever fail a save vs. fear, the crab part starts attacking the baby part. dealing 1d4 damage to itself each turn for the duration of the fear effect.  They don't engage in combat, but they are super adorable.

Lil' crabby cuties.

Festragon - wave of mutilation, hemoclasm, burrowing bolt, create homunculus, awaken homunculus with spell, toy homunculus, neoplasma

His arms are actually transplanted arms from a red-skinned giant.  He walks on them.  He former arms have been transplanted on to where her feet used to be.  He has another pair of smaller arms emerging from his belly that he uses to manipulate things.

His combat tactics: wave of mutilation, perhaps a bit of melee, and then finish them off with hemoclasm.

You'll probably find him among his diminutive menagerie, tormenting tiny homunculi versions of his enemies.  He likes to put them in his mouth, taste them, and then spit them back into their shoebox jail cells.

He's in charge of the Little Joe project, and the other three cancermancers obey him only when they cannot unanimously overrule him.  So, it's a loose tyranny.  His closest ally is Massantus.

Goals

He wants the party to bring him a live paladin.  He intends to put the paladin into his enormous hookah and smoke him, thereby gaining his knowledge.

He also wants to eat Hungry Joe.

This is not impossible, and it would involve him becoming the next Hungry Joe.  Except, he envisions himself as an avaricious, active, dominant mass of flying city-flesh, not the bovine piece of passive, drooling real estate that Hungry Joe has become.  The first step of this process requires the party retrieving one of the pancreators from inside Hungry Joe (the dungeon part).

He also has a back door in the Hungry Joe dungeon in his quarters somewhere, but he'll never mention it to the party until they've proven themselves loyal.

He also wants good food.  He's trying his best to savor things before he becomes Hungry Festragon.

For Sale
Friendly Tumor - 1000 gp
Infestation Gland - 1000 gp
Hyperpituitary - 1000 gp
Immortal Heart - 1000gp

Friendly Tumor - Your max HP is reduced by 3.  When you would next die from your HP dropping to 0, your cancer buddy dies instead..

Infestation gland - You can basically turn corpses into loyal zombies, except that the resultant creatures are not undead.

Hyperpituitary - You get -4 Con, but your HP total changes as if your Con were 4 points higher instead of lower.  You also grow a foot taller and about 20% beefier.

Immortal Heart: Your current and max HP becomes 50.  Your current HP can never be raised again, except by Festragon.  As far as you're concerned, he's the only source of healing in the universe.

by James Wintle

Appendix A: New Spells

Hahahaha blog posts with appendices.

I've written all the spells in GLOG format, but if you want to convert into something more compatible, just look at the spell, pick what spell level you want it to be, and consult the table below.

Level 1 Spells
[dice] = 1
[sum] = 1d6 per caster level (max 5d6)

Level 2 Spells
[dice] = 3
[sum] = 1d6 per caster level (max 7d6)

Level 3 Spells
[dice] = 5
[sum] = 1d6 per caster level (max 10d6)

Et cetera.

Burrowing Bolt
R: 50'  T. creature  D: permanent
This is basically just a rot grub that you fire out of your outstretched finger.  Have fun.

Chaos Chain
R: 50'  T: creature  D: 0
Target creature takes 1d6 damage of a random type (fire/ice/lightning/acid).  Then a random creature within 50' of it takes 2d6 damage.  Then a random creature within 50' of that creature takes 3d6 damage.  The chain ends whenever it would target the same creature twice (no one is ever hit more than once by this spell).  If all the damage dice show 6s, then the creature also gains a mutation.  Save for half (roll damage with d3s instead of d6s; yes, this makes mutation impossible).  Each die invested in this spell beyond the first causes +1 damage per damage die.

Corpulate
R: touch  T: creature  D: 10 minutes
Creature's current HP and maximum HP is multiplied by 5, up to a maximum of 5 * [sum].  Creature become an immense mountain of immobile, limbless meat.  Creature weighs 2000 lbs per [dice] and takes double fall damage.  Creature can still see and hear normally.  Speech is still possible (in rough gurgles) but spellcasting is impossible.  Alternatively, can be cast on a creature of HD [dice] or less; unwilling creatures get a save.

Handmaster
R: 50'  T: [dice] creatures  D: 1 minute
You control the target's arms.  Save negates.

Handspasm
R: 30' radius  T: creatures  D: 0
All target creatures within 30' of you must save or drop everything that they are holding.  Their arms are paralyzed for [dice] rounds.  Save negates.

Hand of the Hound
R. self  T: one or both hands  D: 10 minutes
Your hand falls off and grows into a monstrous version of itself: HD 3  HP [sum] * 2  AC chain  Atk 1d6+[dice]  Str 16.  You continue to control it, but if it dies, you don't have a hand anymore.  Alternatively, you can have this affect both hands, but then you're just standing there like a doof.

Hemoclasm
R: 50'  T: 20' radius  D: 0
All creatures take damage equal to their current damage, not exceeding [sum] * 2.  Save negates.  If the caster has a container within arms reach, they can collect about 1 liter of blood for every 3 damage this spell does.  E.g. A 20 HP ogre is down to 12 HP and fails its save against Hemoclasm.  It takes 8 damage.

Monstrify
R: touch  T: vermin  D: 1 minute
Target vermin (rat, scorpion, termite, etc) becomes huge and aggressive.  HD 3  AC leather  Atk 1d10.  You can cast this spell on [dice] vermin simultaneously.  Monstified vermin attack the nearest foe, and casters usually throw the vermin as they cast this spell.  Also works on halflings and goblins for some reason.

Neoplasma
R: touch  T: flesh  D: permanent
Creatures that fail their save get cancer.  They lose 1 Con immediately and another each month thereafter.

When cast against synthetic flesh creatures (basically anything that has 'flesh', 'blood', or 'meat' in its name), vatborn (including flab men and thin women), or Hungry Joe, it instead allows you to reshape their tissues (since these things are basically just functionalized cancers).

As a general rule, destroying or paralyzing tissues is simple, while adding new functionality requires a laboratory.  If one die is invested (equivalent to a level 1 spell), you can do things like seal their eyes, close their windpipe.  If three dice are invested (equivalent to a level 2 spell), you can fuse their bones together, reshape their bodies (similar to alter self).

Space Hooks
R: 50'  T: [dice] * 20' diameter  D: 1 minute
All objects in the area are pieced by immobile, invisible 'hooks' that are themselves anchored on the ethereal plane.  The hooks are tangible, and running creatures notice them settling in and can choose to stop running.  (Mindless undead will probably just walk through it, though.)  The hooks deal 1 damage for every foot walked through.  A living creature walking through a zone of space hooks will leave bloody a trail of bloody giblets suspended in the air behind them.

Toy Homunculus
R: touch  T: corpse  D: permanent
You touch a fresh corpse.  It's blood pools and coagulates and creates a tiny version of that creature.  The scaling is a bit wonky: humans end up being about 2" tall, while larger things are never larger than 4" in any dimension.

A toy homunculus is a magical construct, not a real creature.  It usually keeps all of the full monster's abilities, albeit in a tiny, adorable form.  (A toy gorgon cannot petrify anything bigger than a mouse, for example.  A toy dragon can light a pile of sticks on fire, but not much else.)  They retain no memories or spells, but they do retain language skills, basic knowledge, and personality.  This spell creates [dice] homunculus.

Shrivel
R. 50'  T: [dice] creature  D: 1d6 rounds
Save negates.  Target loses half of its current HP and deals damage as if their strength was 6 points lower.  After 1d6 rounds, the lost HP returns.

Wave of Mutilation
R: 30'  T: objects  D: 0
Everything in a 30' cone takes [sum] slashing damage.

Mutant Spells

This is partially a response to Scrap's post about spell ecology over here.  It's very good.

Spells are creatures, not techniques.  You cannot prepare three copies of one spell (unless you have three copies in your spellbook).  You do not learn spells, you lure them.  They are alive in every sense of the word.

They are like ethereal birds that nest in your spellbook, are loaded into your brain, are fired like a bullet, and then return to your spellbook before dawn.

And so it only make sense that there are species, carnivores, parasites, and mutants.  Let's talk about the mutants.

Whenever you find a random spell, roll a d100.  If the result is 1-20, it is a mutant and you should consult the Random Improvements Table below.

You'll notice that the table actually goes up to 30, but the only way to get results 21-30 is through mutate spell.

Lie Sang Bong F/W 2009

Random Improvements Table

1-2 Improved Effect.  The spell does more of whatever it does.  5d6 damage becomes 6d6, charm becomes obsession.  Roll on the Random Drawbacks Table.

3-4 Improved Range.  The range of the spell improves.  Roll on the Random Drawbacks Table.

5-6 Improved Area of Effect.  The spell affects a wider area, or more targets.  Roll on the Random Drawbacks Table.

7-8 Improved Duration.  The spell improves its duration.  Roll on the Random Drawbacks Table.

9-10 Improved Applicability.  The spell affects a broader category of targets.  Charm person becomes charm biped.  Roll on the Random Drawbacks Table.

11 Recyclable.  After being cast, the spell has a 50% chance of immediately returning to your brain.  Roll on the Random Drawbacks Table.

12 Petite.  The spell takes up a lower level slot.  Roll on the Random Drawbacks Table.

13 Elongate.  If the spell is successful, a weaker version will jump to an adjacent area or target.  Roll on the Random Drawbacks Table.

14 Facile.  You can cast the spell as a free action.  Roll on the Random Drawbacks Table.

15 Hard.  Targets get -4 to their Save.  Roll on the Drawbacks Table.

16 Subtle.  You can cast this spell quietly and without being noticed.  Roll on the Drawbacks Table.

17 Graceful.  You have more control over your spell.  You can create gaps in your fireball, for example.  Roll on the Drawbacks Table.

18-22 New Flavor.  The spell changes elements or orientations.  Fireball becomes lightningball, protection from evil becomes protection from good, charm person becomes charm bird (or perhaps infuriate person), web becomes freedom of movement.

23-24 Spellborn Homunculus.  Your spell becomes a person (read this).  They are neutral towards you.  Roll a random personality and goals.

25-26 Full Sentience.  Your spell becomes fully sentient.  It talks to you.  Roll a random starting personality and goals.  If it is angry at you, it may refuse to be cast.  If it is especially pleased, it may enhance itself in a way that you request.  Spells enjoy being in your brain and seeing out your eyes.  They do not enjoy being in the spellbook, which is much like a jail.  They may request (or plot) their release, or the release of all your spells.

27-28 Breeding.  Your spell has just given birth.  This newborn spell is a weaker version of its parent, but after being cast 5 times it will have grown to adulthood.  Roll a d100 to see if it has mutated from it's parent breed (the same as encountering a new spell in the wild).

29 Spell Fusion.  Your spell has fused with another spell in your head, rolled at random.  Fireball + cure light wounds becomes cureball (which is broken as all hell, but just roll with it).  Charm person + heat metal becomes charm fire (and once you befriend a fire, it will do favors for you).  Cure wounds + cause wounds becomes summon miniature black hole (because that's like dividing by zero or something).  If there is no other spell in your head to fuse with, your spell dies of loneliness.  The dead spell will linger in your head forever.  It will not take up a spell slot, but you will forever be aware of it rotting in there, like an opossum under your porch.

30 Fusion With You.  Your spell has fused with you, probably with your head.  You permanently lose access to that spell slot.  On the upside, you gain some thematic benefit.  Protection from evil might give you a small halo and immunity to possession, or it might invert and give you a ghoul claw complete with paralysis.  If the DM is unable to think of anything more interesting, then you can merely cast that spell 2/day.

Random Drawbacks Table

1-2 Worsened Effect.  The spell does less of whatever it does.  5d6 damage becomes 4d6, charm becomes placate.

3-4 Worsened Range.  The range of the spell worsens.  A helpful spell with a range of 'touch' is reduced to 'self only'.  Reroll if this would reduce a damaging spell's range below 'touch'.

5-6 Worsened Area of Effect.  The spell affects a smaller area, or fewer targets.  Reroll if this would reduce a spell to fewer than 1 target.

7-8 Worsened Duration.  The spell shortens its duration.  If the duration is instantaneous but creates a permanent effect (such as with knock or cure light wounds), the spell's effect becomes temporary.  For example, the door would relock itself and the wounds would reopen after 10 minutes.

9-10 Worsened Applicability.  The spell affects a narrower category of targets.  Charm person becomes charm man or charm dwarf.

11 Hungry.  The spell requires a unique reagent or focusing item.  This item always takes up an inventory slot.

12 Flaccid.  Targets get +4 to their save.

13 Dawdling.  The spell takes one round to go into effect.  For example, a magic missile that wanders around Family Circus-style before hitting its target.

14 Exhausting.  You are stunned for one round after casting this spell.

15 Maddening.  You take 1d4 Wis damage when you cast this spell.

16 Aneurysm.  You take 1d6 damage for every two levels of the spell.

17 Fat. The spell takes up a higher level slot.

18 Fussy.  The spell can only be cast under certain conditions (time of day, environment, etc).

19 Unreliable.  The spell has a 2-in-6 chance of fizzling.

20 Erratic.  The spell has a 1-in-6 chance of going off in a random direction or targeting a random target (including yourself).

John Galliano 2015

New Spell: Mutate Spell

Pick a spell that is in your brain, roll a d30, and consult the Random Improvements Table, above.

It might be better to give the players a couple potions of mutate spell, instead of a spell they can cast over and over again.  A player might decide to cast it a dozen times on his spell and get fucked-up spell. . . but maybe that's a good thing.

DM's Note: Adjudicating This Shit

I intend for this table to be straightforward enough that you can use it on the fly, without prep.

And yet, some of these table results require some fast thinking on the DM's part.  What's a different flavor of knock anyway?

Here's what I recommend.  Make a list of as many options as you can in 10 seconds, and then roll one at random.

So, to use the knock example. . . knock is basically open door, so maybe open hand?  Or open mind?  Or open chest?  <rolls d3, gets a 2> The spell is open mind.  Maybe it's a bit of a stretch, but the spell can now cause close-minded people to reconsider a different viewpoint.  It allows for fresh reaction rolls or Charisma checks.

And if you get really stuck and can't think of anything, just reroll something fresh.  The random table is inspire you and keep the game random.  It's not a straightjacket.

You can also use this to create higher- or lower-level versions of current spells.  What about a level 2 version of fireball that visibly coalesces for a round before exploding?

Bunka Fashion College Cultural Festival 'Knight' 2011