Thursday, February 12, 2015

Elven Warbands

This is a elven warband generator, based on my last post about elven culture and magic.  It's also partially a response to +Robin Zink's excellent post about plant-elves, which, although it is super cool, is not as super cool as my elves.  My elves, I mean, MY elves wear heels when they run through the treetops.

Roll once for a leader and twice for elites + troops.

this is the perfect example of why elf art is best art
no quiver
no scabbard
and stupid clothes
I love it
all of my elves are going to look this good
Leader (1d6)

1. Violet Lord Vor Asura (F/MU)
is a high elf clad in lunar silk (which changes colors to match the phase of the moon) and a breastplate of 7373 armored, purple spiders, each of which is paralyzed but not dead (and the whole thing can be activated to form a spider swarm).  She wears noble kohl* around her eyes.  He knows the spells mass charm, elegant judgement*, and floral salvage*, among others.  Her spellbook is a ruby on a chain, which is held in the mouth to access the contents.  She rides a permanent phantom steed named Mare Imbrium, who is actually her transformed lover.  At nights, Mare Imbrium turns back into an elf.  They have a complicated relationship.

Violet Lord Vor Asura's troops have glowing violet eyes, bleed glitter, and get +4 to save vs magic.

2. Fleshcrafter Vyrinculembria (F/MU)
is a high elf who cavorts in the nude.  Those who behold him are awestruck at his beauty and cannot attack him until they succeed on a Wisdom check (one allowed per turn).  He can change gender and skin at will.  Every morning, his troops collect their own blood in a bucket, which he uses to paint his body.  He can jump 100' and has a poisonous bite (save or be stunned for 1d6 rounds while gaining a new mutation).  Once per day, he can shed his own skin as he jumps out of it.  This heals him for 1d6+1 HP and ends all ongoing effects on him (even things that don't affect his skin, like charm).  He regenerates 1 HP per turn and can even recover from death (unless burned).  He has only prepared a single spell today: dominate appendage*.  His spellbook is tattooed on the skin of a charmed human girl (Commoner 0) of uncanny beauty named Mia who wears a sundress, works as a servant, and would happily die for her "brother".  He is going mad (Zala Vacha speaks to him) and has already killed another high elf who was beginning to suspect that Vyrinculembria was due for a mental "rebalancing".

Fleshcrafter Vyrinculembria's troops have an extra arm (and a weapon for that arm), which lets them do +2 damage.  50% of them are also undead, but this is indistinguishable except for the fact that they don't speak or bleed.  If any (living or dead) are destroyed, they can be resurrected.

3. Warden Palladar (F/MU)
 is a wood elf who rides a manticore.  The manticore's name is Acerax, and its wings have been clipped in order to make it more docile.  Each of the manticore's spines has a detailed pastoral scene painted on it, along with a message.  Painting is Palladar's only passion, and it is what he hopes to return to when allowed back into high elf society.  The messages contain the equivalent of elven bumper stickers.  Samples: "Suffer no ugliness." and "Wisdom is a happy home."  Palladar is an excellent tracker and archer, and can fire two arrows in the same round.  He has the following spells prepared, among others: rain of arrows*, serpents of the earth*, and dominate animal.  His spellbook is built into his quiver.  1d6 of her arrows are magic (roll a d50).

Warden Palladar's troops all have bows in addition to their regular equipment.  If they already have bows, they get +2 to hit with them.

4. Treespeaker Quenlaia (F/MU) 
is a pregnant wood elf who wears living armor made from mosses and honeysuckles (as leather, self-repairing, requires water).  She rides an enormous treant, whose branches contain a 3-room minidungeon (1 - pool of dew that doubles as a bath and a scrying pool, 2 - seedling chamber that contains mandrakes among other things, 3 - hospital containing beds for troops, salve for treant injuries, and a trove of healing + antidote potions).  She rains down arrows and commands, while being surveying the whole battlefield from her vantage point, 50' in the air.  The treant, named Rowanoak, is old and stiff and cannot attack people climbing his backside (however, there is a symbol of stunning halfway up).  She has the following spells prepared, among others: entangle, mass warp wood, sleep, and lightning bolt.  Her spellbook is a bunch of animated origami that lives in her satchel.  She is secretly plotting against the high elves, and is trying to plant treants that will only be loyal to her.  She especially wants to kill Fleshcrafter Vyrinculembria, who's baby she carries.  She carries 3 epic acorns.

Treespeaker Quenlaia's troops surprise with a 4-in-6 chance while in the forest.

5. Mercenary Captain Travion (Fighter) 
was probably extremely handsome before his nose was cut off.  He now wears a prosthetic nose (with a strap, like an eyepatch).  If his nose is ever removed, he will flip the fuck out and abandon everything else to get it back.  He wears a locket around his neck, which contains a portrait of Avannalia, an elven noble that he serves and is in love with.  The locket is worth 200g for its materials and craftsmanship, but it is also a scrying device, and allows Avannalia to scry on and communicate with the wearer.  Captain Travion wears plate mail and rides an alchemically-enhanced charger (stronger and faster than a regular horse, but has a 30% chance of its heart exploding at the end of every battle).  He wield a lance + shield on horseback and a sword + shield on foot.  He wears a belt of woven oaks* and is an brilliant tactician.  His armor is mithril, and is worth a fortune.

Mercenary Captain Travion's troops get +2 morale will always fight with ideal tactics.  They also carry twice as much gold as they normally would.

6. Disgusting Hatebeast Vekkay (Assassin/MU) 
is one of the skull people, a faceless elf.  He wears a mask that depicts a green monkey face with bulging eyes and a mane of purple feathers.  He rides a black orn* trained to respond to a click-language of Vekkay's own devising.  In combat, the two fight in fearsome synchronicity--if they attack the same target simultaneously, Vekkay does +100% damage.  He wields a cryptic dagger, poisoned with hagsblood (2d6 damage, Cha check for half, only works once).  Vekkay can climb as spiderclimb and can spit acidic webs (as nets, 1d6 dmg/rnd) twice per day.  , He can also be stealthy 5-in-6 (surprise, hide in shadows, move silently, etc).  He has the following spells prepared, among others: speak with birds*, invisibility, darkness, faerie fire, dimension door.  He's likely to creep around the party and ask them questions in his rasping, groaning voice, careful not to give them a clear shot at him.  "Why do you wear such disgusting faces?" "Who do you serve?" "What is wrong with your heart?" He's (genuinely) more curious than he is cruel, and he's plenty cruel.  He enjoys wearing faces of his victims under his mask and cutting himself.  He also enjoys lying at the bottom of streambeds with a heavy stone on his stomach.

If Vekkay is the warband's leader, there is a 90% chance that you should not roll on the Elites/Troops tables and just roll on the skull people tables instead (at the very end of this post).

Disgusting Hatebeast Vekkay's troops poison all of their weapons, each of which deals an extra 1d6 damage on their first hit (save negates this poison damage).

elf secret #37
All elves think that they're Drizzt
They're all broody and artistic and think they're rebelling against a corrupt establishment
Elites and Troops (d12, roll twice)

1 - Lightning-Struck Treant (Elite)
Boatloads of HP and AC.  Immune to fire.  Hits like a fire truck on bath salts.  In his branches are either some troops with ranged weapons or an enormous wasp nest (that can be thrown like a grenade), DM's discretion.  Moves slowly, but is not slowed by forests (other trees get the fuck out of the way).

2 - Two Unicorns (Elite)
Gore attack with horn, trample with their shiny shiny hooves, charm, will attack the most promiscuous member of their opponents (unicorns hate sluts!)  Can heal their allies.  Horns cure all diseases and curses (even if you are impaled on them).  Have a death curse: their killer loses 1d6 from their highest attribute until they sincerely apologize to unicorn's ghost and then create a work of immortal beauty in the world.

10% chance that the unicorns are undead unicorn husks.  These unicorns have beautiful black coats and look alive, but they have no magical powers.  If they are killed, their skins collapse and a crackling blue gas escapes, filling a 50' diameter area.  Those in the gas are paralyzed (convulsions and vomiting), but get a save each turn in order to act normally (1 turn only).  Each turn they remain in the gas, they take 1d6 damage and 1d6 strength damage and 1d6 charisma damage as their body putrefies and sloughs off, because that's what unicorn-killers fucking deserve.

If there elves, they might ride the unicorns, DM's discretion.

3 - Three Eunuch Ogres (Elite)
Clad in full plate mail, covered in spikes (ogre stats with higher AC).  Each armor is a beautiful work of art, and each helmet depicts an androgynous face.  Each ogre can cast invisibility 1/day.  The ogres are eunuchs because their vulgar genitalia offended elvish sensibilities.  They carry the dried, offending bits of flesh in a pouch around their necks.

4 - 1d4 War Ashakkas (Elite)
HD 6, AC 15, Fly 15, Slam 2d8, Morale 12, otherwise treat them like wood golems that can cast wall of force, magic missile (3 missiles), and a variant of force cage  that is channeled and therefore interruptable.  Each 1/day.

5 - 1d4+1 Winter Wolves (Elite)
HD 5, AC 14, Move 15, Bite 1d8+1 + trip attempt, Morale 10, can breath a cone of cold (5d6) and vanish in snowy conditions.  Some of the troops might ride them, DM's discretion.

6 - 1d4+1 Elementals (Elite)
Equal chance of being air or water elementals.  HD 5, AC 15.  Morale 12.

Water elementals slam for 1d8+1, but are also fond of engulfing opponents and then freezing.  They'll stay frozen until dead (can be attacked by third parties at this time, all attacks automatically hit), commanded to unfreeze by their commander, or until they take fire damage.  Frozen people take 1d6 cold damage per turn, cannot breath, and have a 0-in-20 chance of escaping each turn, modified by their Str bonus.  Move 12.

Air elementals slam for 1d4 damage, but are also fond of grabbing people (their Str is 16) and flying straight up until they can drop them.  They deal 1d4 damage each round while flying upwards.  Any arrow that enters a 10' space around an air elemental is automatically grabbed and redirected (the air elemental makes a new attack roll with a new target).  Whenever they hit someone, that person is prevented from spellcasting for 1 round as their voice is sucked straight out of their lungs.  Fly 24.

this is how ridiculous my beautiful elves look
just look at each piece of this drawing
take it all in
I'd rather lose a PC to dire rats than to her shitty bow
7 - 2d4 Elven Sword Dancers (Troops)
HD 3, AC 16, Move 12, Sword 1d6+1, Morale 10, Backstab x2, automatically counterattack whenever a melee attack misses them, AC 20 vs arrows (knock them out of the arrow), as stealthy as a 6th level thief

8 - 2d6 Wood Elf Scouts (Troops)
Level 1 elves in leather armor, bows, scimitars.  Uncanny ability to jump from branch to branch, and prefer to fight from the trees.  Impossible to surprise in a forest via mundane means, normally (they keep a tight watch).

9 - 1d8 Wood Elf Rangers (Troops)
Level 1 elves in breastplates, bows, scimitars.  They all have an animal companion (equal in number to the elves).  Roll a d4 for the whole troop: 1 - hawks (1 HD) trained to pluck out eyes, 2 - wolves (2 HD) wearing feathered necklaces, 3 - black bears (3 HD) with elaborately dyed hair, 4 - A single giant webspitting spider (6 HD) for the entire troop.  If they have a chance to defend, they will set up ingenious forest traps: snares and deadfalls and punji sticks.

10 - 2d6 Elven Mannikins (Troops)
These are soulless elves with visible perfections.  They are made by elven fleshcrafters from left-over body parts.  They have water for blood and abnormal internal organs.  Treat them as elven clerics (HD 1) in leather armor.  They get +4 AC against any weapon that isn't 100% clean (this usually means cleaning your weapons/arrows before the battle).  They each know a level 1 cleric spell, usually bless, cure light wounds, or command.  Morale 6.

11 - 2d6 Orc Mercenaries (Troops)
Orcs (2 HD) armed with glaives.  They wear immaculate white armor and have beatific, beautiful masks locked onto their heads.  (Their leader holds the key.)  They will praise the elves--their beautiful, kind benefactors--with their dying breaths.

12 - 3d6 Human Mercenaries (Troops)
Humans (1 HD) armed with longswords, shields, and breastplates.  1d3 of them ride horses (lieutenants).  Half of them also carry crossbows.  If captured and questioned, they will mostly talk about how beautiful and wise the elves are.  50% chance that one of them is a 4 HD changeling agent of the elves.

this picture is unrelated to elves
no wait
this is what an elf party looks like before the band shows up

Magic Items

Noble Kohl
Magic Makeup
Wearing this cosmetic gives you +4 AC as long as you seem lordly and beautiful.  The effect ends at once if (a) it washes off, (b) the wearer takes any damage, (c) the wearer gets dirty, or (d) the wearer performs anything embarassing or undignified.  This jar has 1d4+1 doses remaining.

Belt of Woven Oaks
Magic Belt
You can step into a tree and exit through another tree up to 50' away.  If you are riding a mount, you can share this ability.  Alternatively, you can hang out inside a single tree, which protects you.  You can see and hear out of the tree, and breath normally.  This belt has 1d8+2 charges remaining.

Cryptic Dagger
For the next 10 minutes, the character's body erupts in injuries (cracking bones, lacerations, epic nosebleeds) that have no mechanical effect, but make it impossible to track how injured you actually are.  Tell the player that you are going to keep track of their (now secret) HP total, and then do exactly that.  In the hands of a PC, this is usually enough to force a  morale check on a group of monsters if you hit their leader.

Epic Acorn
If planted, they instantly grow into a 30' oak tree.  If eaten, the function as a potion of giant growth.


Elegant Judgement
Wizard Spell
As fireball, except the damage is necrotic (purple flames) and the targets make a Cha check instead of save.  Creatures with 17 or more Charisma are immune to this spell.  Casting this spell involves snapping your fingers at the end of the incantation.

Floral Salvage
Wizard Spell
Flowers (caster chooses the type) erupt from the target's wounds.  Target takes 1 damage for every point of damage it has already taken.  (So a target with 7 out of 12 HP would take 5 damage.)  Save for half.  If this damage kills the target, their corpse is entirely consumed by plant growth, and turns into a beautiful tree covered in flowers.  Height is 2d4 x creature's HD in feet.  Elves use this spell to salvage creatures they can't make any better use of.  Violet Lord Vor Asura always chooses violets.

Rain of Arrows
Wizard Spell
As fireball, except that the caster fires an arrow into the air (which turns into a multitude) and the damage is all arrow damage.  (1 arrow per 1d6 damage.)  Doesn't work in places with low ceilings (less than 100').

Serpents of the Earth
Wizard Spell
Cast on a section of natural soil or stone, 1d6 enormous serpents of HD 1d4 crawl up from the dirt.  They have AC 13 and deal 1d6+HD damage, except for the 1 HD serpents, which are small and bite for 1 damage + deadly poison.  Serpents are not controlled by the caster.  They're just pissed off snakes.

Speak with Birds
Wizard Spell
If there is a party of 3-6 adventurer's moving through the forest nearby, a random songbird has a 60% chance of knowing where they are and if they're doing anything extra weird.  Birds of prey are rarer, but more observant.


Beast of Burden
These are riding birds, sort of like chocobos but more like aepyornis.  Compared to horses, they are faster and deal more damage with their claws, but they cannot run for more than a few hundred feet, and they are more fragile.

behind that mask is a faceless rictus
remember not to use your lips when you do their voices
Skull People (1d4, roll twice)

1 - 2d6 Skull Lancers
Skull people (as 1 HD elves) in leather armor, spears.  Uncanny ability to jump from branch to branch, and prefer to fight from the trees.  Like to drop down from the trees atop their spears (dealing 2x damage as if from a charge attack).  After their death, corpses retain the power of speech until the next new moon.  Heron masks.  Morale 6.

2 - 2d6 Skull Poisoners
Skull people (as 1 HD elves) in leather armor, kukris.  Each one carries a sling and a vial of toxic gas (1d6 acid damage each round of exposure, thick as fog spell, lasts 1 minute) and are immune to toxic gases due to filters on their masks.  Penalties for fighting in fog are halved.  After their death, corpses retain the power of speech until the next new moon.  Frog masks.  Morale 6.

3 - 1d4+1 Holy Divers
Skull people (as 2 HD elves this time) without armor, kukris.  Each one is capable of possessing a target by jumping into their target's body and dancing inside their blood.  While inside, a holy diver can either (a) make a bloody exit that deals 2d6 damage to the target, or (b) control their actions for one turn.  Possessed people can make a save each turn to expel the holy diver, which stuns the holy diver for 1 round.  After their death, corpses retain the power of speech until the next new moon.  Rabbit masks.  Morale 6.

4 - 1d4+1 Leatherbacks
Skull people (as 2 HD elves this time) in breastplates, scimitars.  They crawl around (at running speed) while wearing the skins of boars, bears, and wolves.  While crawling, they can bite (1d6 damage + save or fear 1d6 rounds).  They can also throw off their skin and attack normally (1d6+1 with their scimitars).  After they throw off their skin, the animal skin will continue to fight, attempting to grapple opponents (treat as a net that does 1d6 damage if it hits you, and has Str 12).  Unless someone throws the beast skin, all they can do is crawl around feebly and bite anyone foolish enough to step on them.  After their death, corpses retain the power of speech until the next new moon.  Pig masks.  Morale 6.

elves really do fight in outrageously fashionable costumes
they are also always clean
and smell like raspberries and new car smell

If your players strip any wood elves of their armor, remember that they don't have any genitalia.  They're just like barbie dolls down there.  While some wood elves might treat other races as semi-equals, high elves have nothing but contempt.

Also remember that elves will be loathe to kill a beautiful PC (Cha 16) or higher, and will instead try to capture them, either because they want to induct them into elven society, or simply harvest them for attractive body parts.

so sorry
but this is too perfect
elves start every day off with 1000 crunches


  1. This is some awesome stuff...but you REALLY don't like elves do you? ;-)

    1. I think he actually really loves Elves. It's like that thing where closest homosexuals are the most offended by anything perceived as gay.