Sunday, December 22, 2013

Down, down, to Yoblin Town

things you should know about yoblin biology
  1. they are born from mushrooms (yoblin mamas)
    1. they are all male, nearly identical, and confused by vaginas
  2. they constantly shed spores to make more yoblin mamas
  3. they eat yoblin mamas when the find them
  4. there are still so many of these fucking mushrooms that yoblins are constantly spawning
  5. baby yoblins occupy the exact same ecological niche as rats
  6. everyone hates baby yoblins
  7. they are immune to disease
things you should know about yoblin culture
  1. filthiness is next to godliness
  2. trash is wealth
  3. yoblins are terrified of baths
  4. the richest yoblins live in the most squalor
  5. the poorest yoblins live up higher, and are forced to use cleaner, upstream water
  6. the lowest (most affluent) parts of yoblin cities are cesspools called "filth libraries"
things you should know about yoblin dreams
  1. they all dream of the wizard who stamped himself on their dna
  2. they expect his return any day now

1-10 shitty neighborhood
11-20 middle class neighborhood
21-30 high class neighboorhood
you can also roll a d20 + whatever to figure out neighborhoods that are both

30 exteriors
  1. flies
  2. stink cloud
  3. pool of muddy water
  4. entire front faces of house crumbling away
  5. giant hole dug in the street
  6. poorly disguised pit trap in front of door (spikes on bottom)
  7. signs of rockfall (from 10,000' above)
  8. graffiti (“When I find the clean bastard who stole my poop I'll eat his eyes.”)
  9. graffiti (“Long live the gladiators!”)
  10. graffiti (“I waited for you for 2 hours. It's in the outhouse.")
  11. broken masonry
  12. dead cats hang from wall
  13. baby yoblins in cages
  14. mushroom infestation (1d6 rabid baby yoblins)
  15. diseased, leering goat (it bites) tied up
  16. mangy dog alternatively snaps at you and chews its own tail
  17. door half-buried in mud outside
  18. graffiti (“Skree has a mother and never farts.”)
  19. graffiti (“This is not Mungo's house.”)
  20. graffiti (“Vandalism enriches our neighborhoods.”)
  21. cleanly picked yoblin bones
  22. outdoor compost heap, crawling with worms and baby yoblins
  23. window planter boxes filled with vomit
  24. unfashionably tidy pile of excrement
  25. emaciated, cow tied up out front, driven omnivorous from hunger
  26. very fashionable open cesspool, 1d3 jealous neighbors standing around
  27. pile of dead animals with 1d6 young yoblins playing on it
  28. graffiti (“Stop stealing my precious filth, you assholes.”)
  29. graffiti (“[illegible] builds strong bones. I eat it every day.”)
  30. graffiti (“Throw the king in the arena!”)

30 interiors (75% chance of being home)
You can also mix-and-match by rolling for contents and goblins separately
  1. filled with broken glass and torn paper (goblin with bloody feet warns visitors away)
  2. pile of boxes has collapsed (trapping 1d3 panicked goblins inside)
  3. flat stone doubles as bed and table (1d4 goblins passed out in a pile of their own vomit)
  4. furniture pushed to wall, floor covered in oil (1d3+1 goblins fighting over a dead goat)
  5. mildewed books, 10% of a usable spellbook (goblin taking a huge shit in the corner)
  6. filled with rubble and sticks, hole in wall to neighbor's (1d3 goblins repairing it)
  7. stacked floor to ceiling with old shoes, clothing, dirt (1d3 goblins buying/selling clothes)
  8. entire floor in just a compost heap (1d2 goblins trawling for bugs and slugs)
  9. infested with yoblin mamas and broken furniture (1d6 rabid baby yoblins eating adult inside)
  10. filled with 100s of rocks (1d6 yoblins fighting over living arrangements)
  11. bookcase filled with poops block the door (3 HD carrion crawler eating a goblin inside)
  12. butcher shop, 2d6 fried things-on-a-stick: baby goblins, rats (1d3 beefy, blood-covered goblins)
  13. somehow dragged a statue in here, now sinking in mud (1d6 goblins fretting about statue)
  14. stool, three legged table, fly-covered “salad” (1 goblin face down in his dinner, unmoving)
  15. decorative plates caked with fashionable vomit (1d3 goblins ganging up on a smaller one)
  16. featherless, eyeless cave chickens (1 obese goblin farts loudly from hidden interior)
  17. moldy pillows, blankets, dozens of calendars (2d6 goblins sleeping in a heap)
  18. home made hot tub: fire, mud, water, "hot dogs", buckets (1d6 goblins partying)
  19. plow, 3 dog cages, rotting cabbages, dead horse (1d6 goblins beating horse with sticks)
  20. piles of rotten lumber (1d4 goblins freaking out about 1 HD spider hidden somewhere in room)
  21. round mounds of purple mud, sculpted and smoothed (fat goblin being dressed by 1d4 minions)
  22. broken chairs, pile of candlesticks, pile of doorknobs (1d4 mercenaries playing cards)
  23. stacks of well-cut bricks, kiln, smoke, stench (1d3 poopsmiths making bricks)
  24. benches, cauldron, stinking plumes of gas (1d3 filth masters experimenting with “ultimate filth”)
  25. table with ravine flowers, upside-down painting (1d3 goblins buried up to necks, apologizing)
  26. stacks of dead animals (1d3 grimacing goblins “making leather” by pissing on skins)
  27. mushroom grows from dead shaman, fetishes, dreamcatchers (1d2 shamans attending to corpse)
  28. idol of vega, filthy mushrooms growing from rug (1d2 priests intoning the liturgies)
  29. stone walls covered in chalk, calculations, table w/ bricks (1d2 bespectacles engineer-goblins)
  30. roll 3x for contents (filth merchant counts his money (5d6s) while 1d6 guards eat potatoes)

30 Yoblins

If you are clever, you can also use this table as Name - Occupation - Personality - Inventory.  If you are killing random yoblins and taking their stuff, be sure to add 1d6-3 shit-smeared copper coins to each inventory.
  1. Twisp the poop scooper (rudely idiotic) – scoop, shovel, poop
  2. Rikko the rat tamer (staring, crawly) – wheel of cheese, pocket rat, towel
  3. Scormie the beggar (pathetic, sniveling) – crutch, save vs disease if he touches you
  4. Mungo the braggart (fat, bragging, confrontational) – cudgel, metal helmet, 2d6 friends
  5. Other Mungo the scrounger (lisp, bad leg) – scrap wagon, visible parasites, walking stick
  6. Totter the assassin (friendly, oily) – poisoned dagger, list with 8 names (3 crossed off)
  7. Scorp the thief (imbecilic, greedy) – pointlessly poisoned club, 6 crossbow bolts, nose ring
  8. Tergul the thief (imbecilic, greedy) – bag of caltrops, shit-caked dagger, hatred of Scorp
  9. Wriggy the plague bearer (diseased, grateful) – rags, knife, save vs disease if he touches you
  10. Mimasha the mud kicker (stupid, focused on her job) extra boots, map of the streets
  11. Torga the mud-pounder (delusional, terrified) – big hammer, several hernias, map of uneven roads
  12. Lunlu the baby catcher (stern, stupid) – net, knife, bag of baby yoblins
  13. Ubu the guard (belligerent, snoopy) – rusty halberd, bag of onions
  14. Ringro the ravine hunter (buff, paranoid) crossbow, rapier, volkergogs (goggles)
  15. Yeek the rag-stitcher (miserable, self-loathing, complains) rags, needle, thread, bread
  16. Norom the fisherman (cretinous, gullible) fishing pole, pointy hat
  17. Skree the lookout (always shouting, dumb) some string, piece of chocolate, piece of poop
  18. Togglo the shoe gluer (humble, mumbling) – bucket of paste, pig leathers, spade
  19. Yamek the shit-stirrer (intent, honest) – long paddle, waders, bottle of urine
  20. Raklo the thief (smug, curious) – 1 gold coin, big bag of poop
  21. Ulan the shaman (wise, greedy, smelly) bag of various skulls, gold piercings, shoddy tetsubo
  22. Imhoto the filth librarian (bitemarks, twitchy) net, book of nursery rhymes, flask of whiskey
  23. Pombo the idolator (desperate, foolish) 3 idols of human gods, map of surrounding area
  24. Ijit the foodmaker (smug, loves gladiators) 2 live cave chickens hanging from belt, bag of snails
  25. Blarg the gigolo (oiled up, slippery) bag of rat oil, lipstick, 25' of rope
  26. Shumlee the bartender (scornful, itchy) bottle of brandy, hangover, book of forbidden lore
  27. Mortim the dung cobbler (resigned, sarcastic) gigantic bag of dung, trowel
  28. Mork the inventor (shrieking, excitable, curious) – flask of oil, corkscrew, balloon
  29. Horko the watchman (sly, actually sort of smart) – garrote, 2 knives, poorly drawn porno
  30. Chukko the thief (greedy, ambitious) lockpicks, bottle of very good wine, extra money
this castle is 90% yoblin dung

40% completed? can I make up statistics like that?

takes 2 to tango

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