Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Taming the Mouse

We're all such fools.

If you take a step back and look at all of human history, we've been mostly wrong about mostly everything most of the time.  At least, a lot of the natural science stuff.  The best authorities used the best available methods and still came up false.  And I firmly believe in atoms and the Bernoulli effect and the tectonic plates, but what if I'm wrong.

It's an infantile train of thought but it is good for cultivating unconventional trains.

Anyway, there once was a time when people thought that mice grew out of riverbanks.  They knew mice had babies like other animals had babies, but mice totally just popped out of the mud ever summer as a secondary way of making mice.  How else can you explain how come there's no mice in April and fucking gazillions of them in May?

And while this sounds stupid nowadays (lol at pharaoh) it was the best explanation available at the time.  And there's certainly no reason why this erroneous delicacy can't be the god-given truth in a fantasy setting.

So here's a book of mice.  Low HD monsters (usually 1 HD) that are formed through mundane magic.  That's not an oxymoron.  The processes that generate mice in a riverside are as mysterious and as logical as plate tectonics.

You can download it here.

If your keyboard is plugged in and you have opinions, speak them!

If you inflict this book upon your players, let me know how it goes!

If the clobstrok on page 6 reminds you of a latex-clad dominatrix, keep it to yourself!


I can honestly say that this is the most presentable artistic endeavor I've ever undertaken.

I could have alphabetized the monsters, but I really like their current order.  It's like a playlist.  You read about the cute monkey and you're all like "What is this shit?  Arnold's gone soft." and then BAM bone needle men.  I reckon that if your players encountered them all in that order, it would maximize the FUN.

What would a Freudian analysis of my blog and pdfs discover?  I think about the uterus a lot.  (That's probably normal for a 26 year old anyway.)  Many of my monsters are sad monsters; relatively few of them are angry ones.  And maybe I have a vitamin deficiency or something.

There are surprisingly few reference photos if you google "two fairies fucking".

You can probably figure out what order a drew all of the pictures in if you think about it.  I tried something different for every picture and most of them are powerfully mediocre (although the gretchling is beeeaaaauuutiful.)

I tried to make all of these usable, but seriously who is going to use the screaming eels?



  1. Great minds think alike? I had a similar idea a while back, although I referred explicitly to "spontaneous generation," my go-to myth was flies rather than mice, and I didn't go so far as to invent and stat up a bunch of monsters to go with it.

    1. I posted on your blog! It's good stuff. One of us should probably tackle Lamarkian evolution or homunculus theory next.

  2. you've read _The Cheese and the Worms,_ I take it?

    Theories of spontaneous generation still exist and affect public policy: did you know that broken windows generate crime? And courtyard gardens generate communities? And (repeated more and more these days) privacy generates illegality?

    Did I ever tell you about the spontaneous generation of monsters through the interaction of our world and the dungeon dimensions? Gold is the solidified monster-seed.

    1. No, but you've mentioned it twice and so I just ordered it off of Amazon.

      Spontaneous generation is so good at explaining things at first blush. I'm surprised it didn't stick around longer, really.

      And holy crap that post is full of awesome (building something that is threatening for 12,000 years!). I have mixed feelings about semi-sentient dungeons, or ecology-of-dungeons, but awesome nonetheless.

  3. You fucker, you got me all worked up with the bone needle man description and then didn't do a picture to make me less spooked!
    Really though, this is sick awesome. I want to use those eels so bad, and I love the idea of a kid running to his mother saying 'ma git th' chuckin' post! Billy's gone an' ate John Jelly!'

    1. "Aaaah! John Jelly's done broke ma head! Git the constable!"

      Good! Truly scary stuff is best served ambiguously.

  4. http://chem.tufts.edu/answersinscience/relativityofwrong.htm

    Asimov argues that we're actually mostly right on science.

    Your blog is a new one for me -- I like it.

    1. Thanks! That's an excellent essay. I wish I was related to Asimov. He'd be a great grandfather or something.

      You know, one of my favorite things to do with my giant brain is to use it as an ignorance simulator. It's a luxury. Smart can imitate stupid but not vice versa. All of the old superstitions and ignorances of the past are cartridges to be plugged in, and another pair of glasses to see the world through.

  5. Wonderful, amazing stuff! Thank you, as always, for posting.