I propose that bards are not a class on their own, but merely Thieves that have multiclassed with Some Sort of Undiscovered Wizard, which I will now attempt to elucidate, by inferring from the parts of the bard that are awesome.
The Noise Wizard
Noise wizards are pretty much bards with all of the thiefy stuff stripped away. I've tried to include cool stuff that noise marines do (orgasm noises) along with the minimum of essential bard spells (song of courage) along with a bunch of other sound-based stuff.
Restrictions
Noise wizards can only cast spells if certain conditions are met. They must have both hands on their instrument, they must be making noise with their instrument, and noise must also be coming out of their mouth. If lutes and lyres are the default instrument for bards, I propose that accordions and bagpipes are the default instruments for noise wizards.
This doesn't have to be a literal instrument. You can bang two mammoth tusks together and shriek like a banshee if that's your thing. Hell, you can be an organ grinder who sings while your monkey familiar dances. But once you settled on your chosen instrument, it cannot be changed. And without your instrument in hand, you cannot cast spells.
Special Abilities
Noise wizards have a couple of extra abilities that more general wizards lack. Firstly, they can countersong any sound-based or communication-based magic, such as a siren's song or even a command spell. They do this by readying an action beforehand, and then making a lot of noise to actually drown out whatever it is they are countersonging. This requires a Con check (to test if their lungs are up to snuff).
Second, they have really good senses of hearing. Among other things, their chances of listening successfully at a door is double what it would be otherwise. Might I suggest a 4-in-6 chance?
A Couple New Type of Spells and a New Rule
Noises are a type of spell. They share common features, like a 20' radius centered on the caster. They also affect everyone in that radius, even allies (which is potentially hilarious if you're casting brown noise). However, you get +4 on your save if you've heard it before, which will help your team mates out somewhat.
Songs are a type of spell. They share common features, like affecting 2x the caster's HD (so a 2 HD caster could affect any combination of enemies that adds up to 4 HD) as long as all of the targets remain in range the whole time. Additionally, the duration is "concentration" so the spell only lasts for as long as the caster keeping singing that song. Concentration also ends if the caster gets tackled or takes any damage, so although being able to give a couple of allies +4 to hit indefinitely is a powerful ability, if a goblin throws a rock into your teeth for 1 damage, it all comes crashing down.
So you know how some spells are reversible? Like, if you know how to prepare light, you also know how to prepare darkness? I also figure that some spells are upgradable into the next spell level. Like if you know how to cast magic missile as a level 1 spell, you also know how to prepare an improved version of it as a level 2 spell. I've been playing around with that idea, and you'll see it implemented in the spell list below.
Spell List
I've chosen to focus on low-level spells, because (a) those are the ones that tend to get used the most, and (b) it's usually easy to think of grander versions of low-level spells. I know it looks like 29 level 1 spells, but half of them can be upgraded into level 2 spells, so there's plenty of milage down there.
If you want a random spell for a 1st level Noise Wizard, roll a d30 (rerolling if you get a 16). Bold spells are new, and are detailed below.
- accompaniment
- alarm
- brown noise
- carry voice
- charm person
- comprehend speech
- dancing lights
- deafen*
- forgettable moment
- gaping noise
- god ear
- gossip
- horrible noise
- identify
- impossible noise
- rapturous noise (2nd Level)
- sawtooth noise
- song of captivation
- song of courage
- song of death
- song of life
- song of magnificence
- song of scorn
- song of silence
- song of sleep
- song of sobriety
- stupid mouth
- square noise
- suggest
- unforgettable moment
Noise Wizard 1
R: 0
T: self
D: 1 hr
There is an invisible orchestra following you everywhere you go. They play constantly, loudly, and appropriately. They play ominous music during ominous moments, sexy music during sex, etc. Additionally, they will accompany you if you play your instrument, making your performance extra awesome and giving listeners a -1 penalty on any saving throws made to resist your magical music.
Brown Noise
Noise Wizard 1
R: 20'
T: All
D: 0
All who hear this discordant arpeggio must save immediately or shit their pants. This is accompanied by intestinal distress that prevents them from doing anything on their next turn except move. Obviously, this only works on targets capable of shitting themselves. Creatures who have heard the brown noise before get +4 on this save.
If this spell is prepared as a 2nd level spell, affected targets will vomit profusely after shitting themselves, extending the effects for an additional turn. Optionally, this may also be projected as a 50' cone.
Carry Voice
Noise Wizard 1
R: 200'
T: point in space
D: 1 rnd
Your voice teleports out of your mouth and reappears at a point you designate. Then, this spell allows you to hear whatever noises are present at that location for 1 round. (This spell is intentionally written loosely, to allow for ventriloquism distractions, carrying messages, or even listening behind walls.)
Comprehend Speech
Noise Wizard 1
R: 0
T: self
D: 1 hour
This allows you to comprehend any language you hear, and respond verbally. No effect on written language. This is not real understanding, just a temporary translator-thing.
Deafen*
Noise Wizard 1
R: 50'
T: 1 creature
D: permanent or 1 hr
If the target fails a save, it goes deaf. This is a curse, not a physical affect. If this spell is reversed, it has three uses. First, it can be used to cure magical (cursed) deafness. Secondly, it can be used to temporarily grant hearing to things that cannot normally hear (such as golems), which incidentally makes them susceptible to sound-based magic for 1 hour. Thirdly, if it is used on a creature than can already hear, noises will loom large and inescapable in their minds, making them better able to enjoy music, as well as giving them a -2 penalty to save against sound-based magic for 1 hour. No matter how this spell is used, unwilling targets get a save.
Forgettable Moment
Noise Wizard 1
R: 50'
T: 1 creature
D: 0
If the target fails its save, it forgets the last 6 seconds and is totally not suspicious at all. If you prepare this as a 2nd level spell, the target instead forgets the last minute.
Gaping Noise
Noise Wizard 1
R: 20'
T: everything
D: 0
All containers and portals are opened, as long as those things aren't locked or tightly secured (tied shut with rope counts as tightly secured). This has no effect on things such as belts, but it does affect pockets, luggage, zippers, doors, windows, and portcullises. This spell cannot open minds. If this spell is prepared as a 2nd level spell, it also opens locks (including things like shackles), but has no effect on traps.
God Ear
Noise Wizard 1
R: 0
T: self
D: 1 minute
Your sense of hearing expands to godlike proportions. You can hear muffins being digested in your belly. You can hear moss growing on the other side of a stone wall. It's all very disorienting, which is why you're helpless for the duration.
Beginning with near things and then moving outwards, your DM will describe 3d6 interesting sounds, such as a goblin's dice clattering in the next room, followed by the a derro's mad muttering in the room beyond that. The effect is barely comprehensible to mortal ears, however, and it is always possible that a sound might be missed in the tumult (and also because sometimes your DM will forget that there is a waterwheel in room 36, so be cool).
Gossip
Noise Wizard 1
R: 0
T: self
D: 1 minute
When you cast this spell, you get a random rumor from the nearest random rumor table, ALWAYS. It doesn't matter where you are. If you cast it in a tavern, a man will walk up to your table, tell you what he thinks “bree-yark” means, and then walk away confused about the whole affair. If you cast it in an empty alleyway, the very stones themselves will speak to you about the knight who died in the sewers and had a magic sword, probably. If you cast it while you are floating in the void, your bellybutton will pipe up about how it heard the the gonads discussing your infertility. You are then expected to share some gossip back, but not required.
Horrible Noise
Noise Wizard 1
R: 20'
T: all creatures
D: 0
Targets who fail their save will flee in fear for 1d6 rounds. Creatures who have heard the Horrible Noise before get +4 to their saves. If this spell is prepared as a 2nd level spell, its effects will last 2d6 rounds, and it can optionally be projected as a 50' cone.
Impossible Noise
Noise Wizard 1
R: 20'
T: all creatures
D: 0
Targets who fail their save will be confused for 1d6 rounds. Creatures who have heard the Impossible Noise before get +4 to their saves. If this spell is prepared as a 2nd level spell, its effects will last 2d6 rounds, and it can optionally be projected as a 50' cone.
Rapturous Noise
Noise Wizard 2
R: 20'
T: all creatures
D: 0
Everyone who fails a save is overcome by ecstasy for 1d6 rounds. While suffering from orgasmic pleasure, creatures cannot take any directly harmful actions, such as attacking with a weapon or casting a disabling spell, nor can they speak anything that isn't complimentary or pleasant. Affected creatures could still pull a lever or run for help, though, since that is not directly harmful. Creatures who have heard the Rapturous Noise before get +4 to their save. If this spell is prepared as a 3rd level spell, its effects will last 2d6 rounds, and it can optionally be projected as a 50' cone.
Sawtooth Noise
Noise Wizard 1
R: 20'
T: all creatures
D: 0
Everyone takes 1d8 slashing damage, save for half. Creatures who have heard the Sawtooth Noise before get +4 to their save. If this spell is prepared as a 2rd level spell, it does 2d8 damage, and it can optionally be projected as a 50' cone.
Song of Captivation
Noise Wizard 1
R: 50'
T: targeted creatures, up to 2x caster's HD
D: concentration
Creatures that you select will turn their undivided attention to you for 1 round. If they fail a save, their attention will remain on you for as long as you play, and will not take any actions except to listen quietly. They get +4 to this save if there is combat or clear hostility in the situation. This spell does not make them any less alert, it just makes them look in your direction and pay attention to you. Regardless, the spell is broken as soon as something obviously suspicious or important happens. They will not move from their spots. If you prepare this spell as a level 2 spell, targets will follow you for as long as you continue playing while remaining in their midst (no running off ahead--you must stay surrounded).
Song of Courage
Noise Wizard 1
R: 50'
T: targeted creatures, up to 2x caster's HD
D: concentration
Creatures that you select get +2 to attack rolls and saves vs fear. If you prepare this spell as a level 2 spell, targets get +4 instead.
Song of Death
Noise Wizard 1
R: 50'
T: targeted creatures, up to 2x caster's HD
D: concentration
Creatures that you select take 1 damage per turn, no save. Undead creatures are instead healed by this song. If you prepare this spell as a level 2 spell, targets will take 2 damage per turn.
Song of Life
Noise Wizard 1
R: 50'
T: targeted creatures, up to 2x caster's HD
D: concentration
Creatures that you select heal 1 damage per turn. However this spell cannot heal pre-existing wounds, so if you were at half HP when the song started, you will not heal above that. Additionally, anyone listening to this song is protected against death magic and level drain, and gets +4 to save against such things. If this spell targets undead creatures, they instead take 1 damage per turn, no save. If you prepare this spell as a level 2 spell, targets will take 2 damage per turn and get +6 to save against death effects and level drain.
Song of Silence
Noise Wizard 1
R: 10'
T: everything
D: concentration
You play anti-music, generating anti-sound. This cancels out all sounds within range.
Song of Sleep
Noise Wizard 1
R: 50'
T: targeted creatures, up to 2x caster's HD
D: concentration
Targets that fail their save fall asleep. They wake up when you stop playing within range, or if someone kicks them in the ribs. If you prepare this spell as a 2nd level spell, targets will continue sleeping for 1d20 minutes after you stop playing.
Song of Scorn
Noise Wizard 1
R: 50'
T: targeted creatures, up to 2x caster's HD
D: concentration
Creatures that you select get -2 to attack rolls and saves vs fear. No save. If you prepare this spell as a level 2 spell, targets get -4 instead.
Song of Sobriety
Noise Wizard 1
R: 50'
T: targeted creatures, up to 2x caster's HD
D: concentration
All emotion- and confusion-based effects are suppressed in the targets. Unwilling targets get a save. This is suppression, not cancellation, so as soon as you stop playing the berserker goes back to raging and your allies resume running away from the dragon (unless the duration of those effects has elapsed, of course).
Song of Magnificence
Noise Wizard 1
R: 50'
T: targeted creatures, up to 2x caster's HD
D: concentration
You basically sing a song about someone/something, making them sound as impressive as fuck. Targets who fail their save are basically blown away by how well you hyped this person/thing. If you use this spell to make a single hero look magnificent, target creatures will treat the magnificent hero as if they had 18 Charisma. This effect diminishes with however many creatures you want to hype, with 1 fewer Charisma every doubling. 2-3 magnificent heroes = 17 Charisma, 4-7 magnificent heroes = 16 Charisma, etc. Minimum 12 Charisma. No fair cutting obvious groups in half for munchkin purposes. And yes, this spell makes you the best wingman ever.
Stupid Mouth
Noise Wizard 1
R: 50'
T: 1 creature
D: 1 min
If the target fails a save, it will be unable to speak except in the worst way possible. Every phrase will be misspoken, every intent subverted. They will insult the most important person in the room in an offhand way, speak the most embarrassing secrets (others' and their own), and generally be a colossal ass. They always have the option of shutting up, however, and most people will indeed shut up as soon as they realize something is wrong with their mouth. Spellcasters suffering from this spell will have a 50% chance of failing their spellcasting (the action fails, but they don't lose the spell—it's not a fumble).
If this spell is prepared as a 2nd level spell, the target will have no choice but to babble nonstop for the spell's duration, and an affected spellcaster will fail all of their spells.
Square Noise
Noise Wizard 1
R: 20'
T: everything
D: 1 min
Normal glass, crystal, and ceramic will shatter. Creatures made out of those substances take 1d8 damage, no save. If this spell is prepared as a 2nd level spell, creatures made out those substances will take 2d8 damage, and the effect can optionally be focused in a 50' cone.
Suggest
Noise Wizard 1
R: 20'
T: creature
D: 1 day
If the target fails a save, it will follow your suggestion. This only works when you suggest things that are 'things the creature already wants to do'. If this spell is prepared as a 2nd level spell, the range of what you can suggest is broadened to include 'things that are reasonable'.
Unforgettable Moment
Noise Wizard 1
R: 50'
T: 1 creature
D: 0
You must cast this spell simultaneously with the target attempting an attack or skill. If you use this to inspire a skill attempt, the creature gets +6 on it. If you use it to inspire an attack, the target gets +3 to hit and does +3 damage. Regardless of whether or not the attempt succeeds, it looks epic as fuck and you will have to write a song about it later. Write the title of this song down on your character sheet. This is the sort of thing you sing about in taverns.
This. is. brilliant.
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