Thursday, May 16, 2013

Wtf are those goblins doing?

So you've just rolled on your random dungeon chart and the result comes up: 2d6 goblins.  2d6 goblins.  Again?  I hope the party doesn't get bored of goblins. . .

Wrong attitude, Mr. DM!  Humanoids are awesome because they can do anything that the party can do.  They're people!  Little green, incompetent people that you can kill and loot and not feel bad about because they aren't really people!  You are so lucky to roll 2d6 goblins!  Here's why:

Roll a d100.  The asterisk means that there are more details below.

1-21 Actually being sort of competent.*
22-26 Abusin' something.*
27-31 Foragin'*
22-36 Cookin'.*
37-41 Eatin'.*
41-46 Sleepin'.*
47-48 Trying to teach a rat tricks.*
49-50 Rat-on-a-stick fight.*
51-52 Playing kiss-the-rat.*
53-54 Dicing over recent loot.  Triple treasure on 'em.
55-56 Fuckin'.*
57-58 Combat training.*
59-60 Doing human impressions.*
61-62 Writin' some graffiti.
63-64 Bathroom break.*
65-66 Trying to learn insults in Common from another goblin.
67-68 Breakin' shit.*
69-70 Playing hide-and-seek.*
71-72 Fighting over a rat in a box.
73-74 Fighting over gold coins in a box.
75-76 Fighting over a magic item in a box.*
77-78 Fighting over a box.
79-80 Running away!*
81-82 In combat!*
83-84 Losing a fight!*
85-86 Funeral.*
87-88 Storytime/brag fest.
89-90 Gettin' drunk.*
91-92 Setting up camp.
93-94 Interrogating a prisoner.
95-96 Trying to open a trapped chest.*
97-98 Arguing about how to get past a trap elsewhere in the dungeon.*
99-100 Lootin'.*

21 Actually being sorta competent 
[d2] 1-alert with defensible fortifications (tipped over tables, etc), 2-patrolling quietly with a thief-goblin scouting in front.  Either way, only a 1-in-6 chance of being surprised.

26 Abusin' something
[d4] 1-rat, 2-dog, 3-prisoner, 4-smaller goblin.

31 Foragin'
[d4] 1-mushroom pickin', 2-cave fishin', 3-bug huntin', 4-just walking around chewing on stuff and complaining how hungry they are.  If they aren't in an appropriate area, they're still carrying the right equipment as well as a bag with 1d6 ration-equivalents.

36 Cookin'
[d4] 1-pilfered sausages, 2-cow head, 3-mushrooms poisonous to non-goblins, 4-people.

41 Eatin'
[d6] 1-fish, 2-reeking mushrooms, 3-rats, 4-bugs, 5-people, 6-small rocks.

46 Sleepin'
 [d4] 1:in a pile, 2:with an alert lookout, 3+:with a sleepy lookout.

48 Trying to teach a rat tricks
It's not going so well.  But the rat is the prized possession of one of the goblins in the room.  He's very protective.

50 Rat-on-a-stick fight
Tie a rat on the end of a stick.  Use your rat-on-a-stick to fight another rat-on-a-stick.  Or just to mess with your friends.  Usually devolves into goblins beating each other with ratses-on-stickses.  If engaged in combat, the rat on a stick has a 50% chance to give you rabies.

52 Playing kiss-the-rat
It's like spin the bottle, but with a rat instead of a bottle.  Also, you kiss the rat instead of each other and all of your friends make fun of you because they're fuckhead goblins.  Why do you hang out with these guys?

56 Fuckin'
Even before the PCs walk up to the door, they can see that there are goblin clothes in the hallway.  If they listen at the door, 100% chance to hear goblin sex noises.  Goblins are surprised 100% of the time (as long as the party busts in soon--goblin sex is known for its brevity).  Goblins probably have no armor on, no pants, or pants around ankles.  I could put a little roll here to see if they goblins are fucking a goat or each other or whatever, but I'm worried my mom might find this blog someday, and be worried that the longest paragraph is about goblin sex.

58 Combat training
[d4] 1: archery practice against a barrel, 2: melee practice against a barrel, 3:just beatin' the shit out of that barrel, 4:goblin duel atop a barrel.  The barrel has an angry face drawn on it.

60 Doing human impressions
Where did they get the hat?  Or the dress, for that matter?  Maybe they belong to the prisoners on level 3.  Either way, you are witness to an awful goblin pantomime of human behavior.  Everything from "Oh no!  Goblins!  But I don't know how to fight!" to "Not the baby!  Nooooooo!" to "Don't worry, our cities and laws will protect us!"  It's goblin stand-up.

64 Bathroom break
[d4] 1-2: goblins pissing everywhere, 3: goblins shitting everywhere, 4: like that scene in Pulp Fiction where you see some weapons lying up against a wall, then you hear someone using the toilet around the corner (as the DM, you are required to make farty goblin noises), and then a goblin walks around the corner buckling up his pants.  If the PCs don't react fast he'll freak out, run around the corner, and jump down the hole he just took a shit in.

68 Breakin' shit
Burning tapestries, throwing antique chairs down the stairs, playing catch with an expensive vase, eating ancient spellbooks, etc.  If the PCs don't act fast, some valuable loot will be destroyed.  And the goblin that ate the spellbook will start turning into a magma octopus.

70 Playing hide-and-seek
Yes, there are now goblins hiding all over the dungeon.  Like, inside chests and shit.

76 Fighting over a magic item in a box
[d4] 1: cursed, 2-3:stupid (like a bag of endless manure), 4:surprisingly useful/powerful (where did they get it?)

80 Running away!
Look at 82 and 84 for inspiration, but consider the following: the party approaches a door that immediately bursts open.  A bunch of panicked goblins run screeching past the party, fleeing for their lives.  If the party runs, too, the goblins will probably try to trip them.  Unless they're cornered, then they might help the PCs fight the thing.  What are they running from?  Pick the scariest thing on your random monster table.

82 In combat!
Pick whichever one is most appropriate: stompin' scorpions, grappling a elf dude and pulling his long hair, throwin' shit at a ghost and shrieking, throwin' shit at a (high hp) zombie with a bucket over its head.

84 Losing a fight!
Pick whichever one is most appropriate: getting wrapped up by giant spiders, swallowed by giant snakes, fighting the other evil humanoid group in the dungeon, being set on fire by demons, eaten by goblin zombies, fighting a single tremendously drunk dwarven berserker (only other dwarves can understand his drunk-Sean-Connery slurs).

86 Funeral
Prayers, fighting over the deceased's belonging, crying.  50% chance of cannibalism at the end.

90 Getting Drunk
1d4: 1:mushroom beer, 2:rancid goat-milk liquor, 3:hallucinogenic venoms, 4:really expensive wine.

96 Tryin to open a trapped chest
50% chance a dead goblin nearby gives you a clue to the trap.

98 Arguing about how to get past a trap elsewhere in the dungeon.
50% chance to overhear something useful.

100 Lootin'
 Or at least prying shit off the wall.  Bag of 1d8 torch sconces, 1d8 doorknobs/handles, and 1d20 pieces of garbage.  No other loot.


  1. Holy shit, this blog is the greatest blog out!
    Putting this one in the ole' bag o' tables post haste!

  2. Yeah... I'm a little late to the party, but this is possibly the single grestest post on the internet.

  3. FYI, in our world rats don't carry rabies :-|

    1. It's not that the rat has rabies; it's that rabid goblins spit on the rat beforehand.

      But everyone knows that the primary vector for rabies is dwarves, for whom it is a transient infection. They call it "dwarven pinkeye" when a dwarf catches it.

  4. Is it cool if I post a screenshot of the main table and a link to the full description on my Tumblr?

    I played in your Goblin Town game at OrcaCon, had an amazing time.

  5. Is magma octopus a reference to magnum opus? Thinking of Baldrick here...

  6. 64: (d4) die falls off table = Goblins farting for distance.


    Fantastic reference item.