Dwarven Gender, Continued

Remember that post I did about dwarven gender?  

If you haven't read it--you're in luck.  You can be just as confused as Podrick, below.

It occurs to me that dwarves would also struggle to understand human genders, and would ask us as many stupid questions as we would ask them.

So this is some fiction about that.

Some Dwarves Learn About Human Gender

Featuring:

    - Podrick, human, age 41, male, father of 2, knight of the realm

    - Snorri, dwarf, age 191, blacksmith, 3288 total lbs forged, total debt 2400 silver

    - Osto, dwarf, age 284, blacksmith, 5910 total lbs forged, total debt 10,500 silver

Snorri

Look, I don't want to be rude, but Osto says its not rude to ask a human this, but, eh, what are ye?

Podrick

Am I a what?

Snorri

Are ye, hmmmmm, are ye . . . a blacksmith?  Or a miner?

Podrick

. . . what?

Snorri

And don't say that humans don't have blacksmiths and miners.  I know they do.  I just can't tell what ye are.  No offense!  Of course.

Podrick

Er, I'm a knight of his majesty the king.  I've never mined nor smithed.  

Snorri

Yeah, sure, sure.  But what are ye really?  You got a bronze belt buckle but your boots lace all the way up.  Little bit of cross-dressing, eh?  I'm not against it!  No judgement here.  I know a few dwarves that enjoy the same.

But how were ye raised?  Did yer parents dress you in bronze buckles or did they lace your shoes all the way up?  

When ye were little, I mean, on your name day.  Not what ye decided for yerself later.

Podrick

Have you gone mad?  Explain yourself.

Snorri

Calm your heels, man!  I apologize.  Osto said that humans weren't shy discussing stuff like this so I thought I could ask ye without being a prat.  'Pologize if I made ye feel a bit tetchy.

Podrick

You asked me if I've ever been a blacksmith?  And then if I wore bronze?  Is this something dwarves do?

Snorri

Yes, but not usually at the same time.  *laughs*

Look, let's try this a different way.  When does your heart sing?  When yer getting something?  Or when yer making something?

I'm sure you've done both.  (Hell, even I've done both, but don't tell Osto.)

Y'know.  What was your body born to do?

Podrick

I feel most at home when I pray in the House of the Authority, before the nine icons of the Prophetessa (may she live again).

Snorri

*tugging his beard* Okay. . . hmm.  There are two genders, right?

Podrick

Right.

Snorri

And which one are ye?

Podrick

I am male.  I have--

Snorri

That's not what I asked!  Who cares about yer pisser?

Osto

*entering the room* Humans are always talking about their pissers.

Lad, why are ye asking the man about his pisser?  I told ye to mend the tent.

Snorri

I asked him if he was a blacksmith or a miner.

Osto

Humans don't have--

Snorri

Yes, they bloody do!  Who makes their armor, then?  Who pulls their ores out of the earth?

Osto

All of them do both.  Each one is 50/50, right down the middle.  The Authority saw fit to make them all the same.  Don't know why, but I'm sure it was done in wisdom.

Snorri

That makes sense.  Then why's he talking about his pisser?

Osto

*straightening his monocle*  Well, humans divide everything into field and seed.  It's because they're obsessed with breeding.  Breeding children, breeding livestock.  It's the accumulation of things, see?  Can't have money without cows to sell.  Can't have land without children to work it.  That's why they always pair off, a seed with a field, every time.

Plus, they don't have much time to breed, so they have to start early.  Makes sense when you think about it that way.

Podrick

Do dwarves always talk so coarsely?  I have children of my own, but their purpose is not to work my fields.  And my wife's purpose is not to bear children.

Snorri

I'm sure your "wife" is a nice lad, but if he were here I'd ask him the same questions.

Podrick

My wife is a woman!  She is referred to as "she" not "he".

Snorri

Why are ye bringing yer wife's pisser into the conversation?  No one's talking about his pisser.

Osto

Snorri, at least try to use the human's pronouns.

Snorri

Okay, I'll bloody well try, but I don't know if I can remember them.

Osto

Good lad.  You'll sound less ignorant when we get to human lands.

Snorri

I'll try!  But it's a bloody infuriating thing to ask of me.  Does this mean I don't know how to refer to someone until I know what kind of a pisser they have?

Podrick

*sighs* I'm going to go tend to my horse.  Good day, dwarves.

Snorri

Angels below, I hope I didn't offend the boy.  There's really nothing wrong with being half and half.  I'm not prejudiced!  I'm not.

Do you think the human thinks I'm prejudiced now?

Osto

Snorri, yer a good lad, but you ask too many questions.  Go fix the tent, and then I'll tell you about the two kinds of human bathrooms.

Snorri

What?  Two?  Do they expect me to go into a different bathroom based on what kind of pisser I've got?  That's none of their bloody business!

Osto

Nah, all dwarves use the bathroom for seed.  They all get huffy if you ever go into the one for fields.  Don't know why, but I guess only human pissers matter.   

Snorri

It's still another hundred miles to the human kingdom, huh?  This is a long fucking trip.

Damn, I wish we had some miners with us.

*not a Patreon post, just for fun.