Sunday, June 4, 2017

NO I FUCKING DON'T

This is a response to this.

I'm going to imitate an imitation that started when I made an suggestion about writing the opposites of monster manual entries.

I'M GOING TO PROVE THAT I DON'T FUCK PIGS BY WRITING THE SAME THING AS SCRAP.  I'M GOING TO WRITE SUCH GOOD ENTRIES THAT SHE'LL HAVE TO RETRACT HER ASSERTION RE: THE ALLEGED PIGFUCKERY.

Yes, this is a joke post but many of these are def usable.

by Dave Simons
So here are some monsters and their opposites.

Aerial Servant
Chtonic Master

Like a genius loci, they are bound to one place.  They look like enormous angry faces coming out of the ground.  They can cast command at-will and dominate person 1/day.  They use their powers to convince people to jump into their mouths, so they can eat them.  Usually accompanied by 1d3 enslaved humanoids from the wandering monster table.

Ankheg
Stomplord

Looks like an elephant, only much bigger.  It has elephant heads on all four sides.  It rules the Plains of Yiz with a single immutable law: everything must be flat.  If something is not flat, it will be chased down and stomped until it is flat.

Except for birds.  It's okay with birds.

The Plains of Yiz are inhabited by clover farmers who have learned to lie very flat on the ground when the Stomplord might be looking in their direction.  Sometimes they attempt to build tunnels but they must be built very strong, because the Stomplord is always walking around and he has a very particular way of walking.

Giant Ant
Royal cannibals.

Already did this one.

Ape
Elves

Because apes are sort of like our hairy, brutish reflections and elves are sort of like our elegant, hairless reflections.

but

I can sort of see another angle, where apes are creepy because they're basically humans that look a little too bestial, but you could come at it from the other side and have animals that look a little too human.

So, there is a village called Husherman's Hill.  All of the animals that are born there are slightly too human.  The cats have hands, the cows have human mouths, and sometimes a dog will have a whole goddamn human face.

The animals run the town.  They are led by a old dog with a old man's face.  He is the most horrible bastard in the world.

When outsiders approach, the animals all try their best to be animals, and a few slave humans are brought out in order to shoo the foreigners away.  "You can spend the night in the inn, sure, but not any longer.  We're fearful you might bring the plague in."

Savvy players will realize that the town has been subtly modified for animal convenience.  An abundance of dog doors, cat scratches on all the baseboards, a dinner table in the barn instead of a feed trough, etc.

From Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
great movie but fuck that dog-man-thing
Axe Beak
Sword Tongue

These are like if birds had a sloth edition.  Slow, aboreal.  Hunts food with a sharp tongue that they shoot out like a harpoon.  Can pull a man into a tree in the blink of an eye.

Baboon
The opposite of a baboon is a baboon.  They're already this terrible mix of clever and bestial, social and violent.  They have both thumbs and fangs.  They kidnap wild dog puppies and raise them to be loyal hounds.  You can watch videos of them playing with their babies and you can watch videos of them eating baby gazelles alive (who scream a lot).  Baboons are fucked.

Note to self: replace wolves on an encounter table with baboons at least once.

Badger
Goodbelly

A goodbelly is a thing that looks like a happy, baby pig with long legs like a deer.  Put it on your wandering monster table.  When it is encountered, it will run away.  If you can catch it and eat it while it is still alive, it will cure light wounds and remove disease.

They're slick little fuckers, though.

Baluchitherium
Strabulo Swarm

A strabulo is a small, carnivorous shrew.  The best way to kill a pack of them is to lock them in a small room and wait for them to eat themselves to death.  This takes about an hour.

It is unknown how they survive in the wild with such crazy metabolisms.

Barracuda
Zark

A zark is a zombie shark.  They are used to stock dungeons because they can chase people down hallways, in a horrible, clumsy, gnashing manner.

Also good for when the party thinks they are safe as long as they don't go in the shark tank, but then the wizard gives the signal and they all come flopping out of the water like ghastly seals, chewing their own gums to shreds with eagerness.

They probably roar, too.

Basilisk
Galateas

A galatea is a race of beautiful stone women.  It turns out that if you carve some stone to look sufficiently sexy, it will come to life.  Galateas are sexy living stone statues that really good at carving more of themselves.

Often hired to build beautiful structures, their immortality often leaves them as gloomy keepers of abandoned places, knowing all of the dungeon's layout but only caring for its statues.

BeaverBearBeetle
TreeMouseButterfly

Or as the elves call it, the Nirfling.  They're born from mice that eat discarded cocoons. Smaller than your thumb, they don't fly as much as they tumble their way through the air with their bushy whiskers.

Valued by elves for their ability to find candy and sweet breads, and their assistance in creating the same.

Valued by dungeoneers for their ability to pick locks.  However, after picking each lock, a Nirfling will crawl inside the lock and take a nap for 1 hour (part of their territorial habits).  It can be lured out early only with the offering of a fresh-baked cookie.

Beholder
Terophidian

Ha.  Already did this one, too.

Black Pudding
White Ceremites

A class of small ceramic golems.  They appear to be made out of soft white clay, but they harden upon death.  The resultant ceramic is about as hard as adamantine for a round, as hard as steel for a day, and then normal fired clay afterwards.

They can shatter their own heads at will in order to kill themselves into more useful shapes.  With enough of them, you can build pretty much anything.

A popular command: begin strangling someone and then self-destruct.

Another: grab your opponent's sword and belt and then self-destruct.

Blink Dog
Stare Cat

These are predatory cats.  When they hold your gaze, you are unable to let it go.  (Gaze attack: if you look at them while they are looking at you, you are unable to look away or willingly interpose an object for as long as the stare cat looks at you.)  They use this ability to give their fellow cats the ability to ambush you from behind (+1d6 damage).

They're about the size of a bobcat.  Stats as wolves, otherwise.

Boar
Excitemen

The Excitemen are are victims of a contagious excitement.  It is dangerous to be around them for too long, but you may be able to turn their considerable attention to something advantageous.

Despite their great excitement, the excitemen are not particular effective.

When killed they collapse into a rainbow-colored goo that lights up in the presence of sound, the color corresponding to the tone.

Brain Mole
Gun Worm

Originally bred by elves to be fired from their revolvers.  It's a 3' long worm, slightly spiraled.  It flies about 200' per round, and prefers to make fly-by attacks (bore-through attacks) each round.  It flies through walls and floors and flesh without slowing, leaving only holes to mark its passage.  In regular dungeon combat, it is so swift that it can only be hit with readied actions.

Brownies
Yeah, tickle boys for sure.

Buffalo
Chicken

Bugbear
Stronglings

A race of fey about the size of a child.  Obsessed with building and measuring their strength (which is easily estimated by the length of their beard).  Construct crude weightlifting gyms out in the forests, usually as simple as a row of stones of increasing weight, with a clear area around them.

In combat, they favor tactics that allow them to use their brute strength to their advantage: sudden, muscular assaults.

They are fond of forcing a surrender by putting their foes into submission holds, usually with their legs locked around the necks of their opponents.  (Then they can ride them around on their errands.)  If you have a strongling riding you, be aware that they can pop your head off with one squeeze of their monstrous calves.


From 2nd Ed Monster Manual.  By DiTerlizzi?
Bulette
Seawolf

The opposite of a landshark is a seawolf.  Unfortunately.

or

Angelbird
When it smells blood, it flies over and tries to rescue the injured combatant who is the most innocent-looking.  It abducts them back to its nest and will keep them there for days, nursing them and keeping them safe from all threats (especially their dirty, blood covered companions who keep wanting to bring them into murder caves).

Despite its appearance, it is actually Fairy/Dragon type.

by DenaJawawr

BullCamel

Cow Egg

Occasionally, a cow will lay an egg.  We do not judge the cow harshly for this, for the resultant eggs are very valuable.

If kept warm and intact, the egg will whisper secrets into the ears of anyone who sleeps next to it.  (Get visions of likely future events with 75% accuracy.)

If broken, a random creature within 100' must save or die.

No one is quite sure how to get them to hatch.

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